Just got my home gym equipment delivered!! Yeaaaayyy!!! I feel like a kid in a candy store lol. I didn't spend extra cash for them to set it up. So, tonight I have a date with my equipment and I am looking forward to setting it all up and then start my workout routines tomorrow.
The new place is slowly coming together. Next - xmas lights for the bedroom and some furniture. Going back out for that this afternoon
I got a rack with a chin up bar. a bench, a set of weight plates and olympic lifting bar, a curved bar, and some free weights. It's a good starter kit for all the stuff I want to do and I can keep adding to it over time.
I am really excited to put it all up together and then start working towards my health goals.
Hey M....good for you that is awesome! I am happy that you are making progress and really making your new place into your own. That is a very healthy sign and I am glad you are seeing some personal benefits of being able to start detaching from your W. It definately is a process and not a light switch. I am starting to find myself not thinking about my W for periods of time which is a good thing.
Is your first workout slated for tomorrow? How is the sound system?
Yeah keeping the focus on myself and just slowly working towards all my goals has been really good for me. W still takes up enough mental space right now that I know I am still quite a ways away from feeling truly detached. I know it takes time, but now with everything set up at home with the gym, it will be a huge step forward for me.
I was going to workout today but last night I realized I needed another wrench to put everything together. Stores were closed and so I went this morning to get it and finally got around to setting everything up this evening. It's all done now and I will wake up tomorrow and do my first workout. Pretty excited.
I have a wireless speaker that I can play stuff from my phone. So, that is going to stay in the gym area and I already have some workout playlists from before. Will update them.
Got some climbing in today and had time to go get some furniture as well. so, pretty productive day. Now I am just going to unwind and get ready for the work week.
That mental space gets less and less as the days and months go on. I can't imagine going through in-house separation and each spouse probably not getting the time and space they need to process everything emotionally. IMO the quicker you find yourself and come to a place of internal happiness the quicker you will recover emotionally.
Did you get your first workout in this am? When I was growing up my buddies dad built himself a home gym in his garage and he hung mirrors all over the walls and on the ceiling. It was pretty cool....he always had the music cranked and was working out when I came over. Sleeves rolled up with a smoke hanging out of his mouth. Almost American Beauty style!
Sounds like your place is really coming along. Has your W seen it yet? Do the kids like it?
The mental space is definitely getting better. The more I fill my life with things that I want to do, the less idle time I have on my mind to think about W.
Sounds like your buddy's dad had an awesome home gym. What a way to workout with a smoke at the same time. Alpha male on high gear lol.
Yeh, the place is coming along good. I should have it all set up by the end of the year. I have a DIY project planned but it will have to wait for a little bit, which is okay. W saw the place couple of weeks back and it has changed dramatically since then as I have put stuff up and got more furniture. There hasn't been a reason for me to invite her to my place and I haven't been to her place in a long time either. Kids love the new space and they've gotten used to it now.
All in all, life is coming together. My blood pressure is still doing great and my sugar levels are normalizing with me eating better, being physically active, and doing some light meditation. I feel a lot less stressed. I think it has a lot to do with the mental shift that I've been working on towards becoming less controlling - it's already improved my relationships with the kids and I feel a lot more at ease. It has also allowed me to give W the benefit of the doubt in certain cases recently - I would've chalked up her behavior to being disorganized and flakey previously, but instead I trust that she did things in a good way and everything was fine. And if she forgot because of whatever reason, it's okay because I forget to do $hit too and it's not because she's a bad planner. As soon as I let myself reframe my thoughts, I just got so calm and realized I was getting worked up over nothing.
So, mental focus and letting go of control has been a huge help.
It has also allowed me to give W the benefit of the doubt in certain cases recently - I would've chalked up her behavior to being disorganized and flakey previously, but instead I trust that she did things in a good way and everything was fine. And if she forgot because of whatever reason, it's okay because I forget to do $hit too and it's not because she's a bad planner.
I think this is one of the last pieces for me to fall into place. To not judge her on what she is doing as a parent, what she forgets to do and/or what activities she chooses to participate in. Good for you on recognizing and not falling into the trap.
Okay! Had a phone convo with W and I don't know what to make of it. So, I'll post the highlights here and people can give me their take. I'll clarify if I haven't explained well.
So I was out picking up some furniture and W called me to talk. She was mad about something I had emailed her a while ago about finances and I guess it triggered some of the stuff she's been angry about.
She started the call with saying that this has been on her mind for a few weeks and she just wanted to call and let me know. She basically let me have it for a few minutes about the financial issue and I validated what she was saying.
However, this took a different turn. I don't completely suck at validation, but she told me that I haven't been real with her at all and that all this stuff that I am saying is just trying to placate her and tell her what she wants to hear. I was saying stuff like "I understand you feel this way"; "I am sorry that is upsetting you"; "It sounds like you are angry about this" etc etc.
She was having none of it. She said that it sounds like the past where I don't tell her how I really feel and just acknowledge things. I told her that I am being real and I am not trying to placate her.
It then went into her saying how I've never expressed how I have felt and that saying that things are good. I've never told her that I am angry, sad, etc etc. To which I said of course I have, but I am not going to throw around things and yell and whatever.
Some of the other main things she said:
"If you want to talk about something why don't you initiate it" "I never said that I wanted you to give me space" "I said no to marriage counseling because I can't commit to saving the marriage" "I am really angry and I have to figure out a way to work it out somehow" "I need you to be real with me and if something is on your mind I need you to talk to me about it"
Some of my responses:
"of course there are things that I want to talk about" "you asked for a separation which I understood as you wanting to have your own space and time away from me" "of course I am angry about so many things" "I can respect that you don't want to go to MC"
OKAY! So I have NO idea WTF is going on. We agreed to meet this Saturday to talk about 'us'. I don't even know where to start. And before anyone says that let her start and keep talking, I am going to tell you that she's going to upfront ask me what I want to talk about. Through DBing, I have been very good at not having R talks since the last time I had a big convo with her almost 2 months back.
But, now this. I don't know what to do because obviously there are things that I can get into, but I'd rather have her unload on me and I'll figure out a way to deal with it. I dunno.
I could just hear the anger in her voice and she becomes very emotional and weepy and that was her on the phone most of the time. She wanted me to come over to talk tonight but I declined and said that I was in the middle of something and maybe the weekend would be best. She agreed and we're talking this weekend.
I know she will be angry during the conversation and I don't feel any inclination to just be a doormat and take it. She hates it when I validate her and so I am going to stray away from that as much as possible, but throw in a few here and there. It's going to be a high conflict situation and I feel like anything I say is going to be me defending myself. I want to acknowledge the parts where I failed in the MR, but there is tons of [censored] she messed up too.
I bought myself a week to think about it and how to approach it. Also get some advice from the board.
I want to stand up for myself and not just take a $hit sandwich.
Also, I am just so effin' worked up right now. My blood pressure is probably through the roof lol. I feel like at this point, I have nothing to lose and I just need to give it to W straight. Anyways, just writing down some early thoughts, but I have a few days to get my $hit together.
