Oh the friend is a women who is in an abusive relationship, she works for my wife so at the moment they probably spend around 12-14 hours a day wth each other. I've felt since she started to lean on my wife for support that it's been affecting our marriage, I brought it up in the past but she just gets defensive. In the past this women has lied to me about where my W is, but not how you think. It's when my W is somewhere completely known to her and it's maybe getting groceries, but she'll shrug her shoulders and say no idea. She also put herself in the middle of another couple that broke up, she knew every little detail. I've wondered if she has pushed this to make her feel better about her own marriage...
From my experience I would hazard a guess that your W is taking as much advise as possible from people that will tell her what she wants to hear. A familiar ear of sympathy to fall back on. This usually happens when the WAS isnt confident on her decision but so needs external influences to validate her choices.
At this stage it is not about trying to work out why they are doing what they are doing, as they are only reacting to conflicting emotions at this stage which makes no sense nor does it follow any logical pattern.
Its all about you now - If you sense yourself doing or saying something for a reaction from your W then hit the brakes and rethink because you’re the enemy at the moment and giving her further ammo to use against you isn't going to help your cause.
I agree, early on we had a chat and she really seemed to have changed her mind, then I came back from work and she was back to being adamant after spending the day with her friend.
One Saturday I asked her if I could go out for a few hours and her have the kids, she said she was gonna nip to the shop for a bottle of water and think about it. She came back an hour later and was incredibly mean and refused to give me anytime at all, said she had plans, asked why she didn't tell me this when I asked and she had nothing to say. Someone is telling her how to treat me to stop herself changing her mind.
The biggest mistake you are ever going to make is you believing that you can fix this. i.e. if I give her everything she asks for etc..
We do not know your Wife, but on this board we KNOW what you are going through and have seen this situation 100000 times before - it might feel unique and personal to you BUT this is nothing we haven't seen before so just listen.
NOTHIHG you do to try is making this situation better at the moment so stop trying.
Yesterday you mentioned reading into what happened when you lent in for a kiss and a hug... DO yourself a favour and STOP with this thinking and stop instigating close contact because you know deep down your doing it in the hope she hugs or kisses you back.
Based on the comments you made about living a distance away from your family etc.. I would hazard a guess that you are slightly co-dependent and this only multiples the situation by 10.
First things first you need to let her go and start to get your balls back by sitting down and thinking about who you are and want you want (separate from your wife).
To help give you an idea on the mindset you need to be in you have to act like they have died. That you will never see them again. What would a life with just you in it look like? You need to get to this state as soon as possible as this will be your most productive state. But this will take time and it wont be easy.
I think you're completely right. Interacting with her is just hurting me more, she is obviously trying very hard to be mean to me at the moment. It's not really her nature to be like this, I can tell she is struggling with it. It's a shame our journey has to end like this, it really is.
The biggest mistake you are ever going to make is you believing that you can fix this. i.e. if I give her everything she asks for etc..
We do not know your Wife, but on this board we KNOW what you are going through and have seen this situation 100000 times before - it might feel unique and personal to you BUT this is nothing we haven't seen before so just listen.
NOTHIHG you do to try is making this situation better at the moment so stop trying.
Yesterday you mentioned reading into what happened when you lent in for a kiss and a hug... DO yourself a favour and STOP with this thinking and stop instigating close contact because you know deep down your doing it in the hope she hugs or kisses you back.
Based on the comments you made about living a distance away from your family etc.. I would hazard a guess that you are slightly co-dependent and this only multiples the situation by 10.
First things first you need to let her go and start to get your balls back by sitting down and thinking about who you are and want you want (separate from your wife).
To help give you an idea on the mindset you need to be in you have to act like they have died. That you will never see them again. What would a life with just you in it look like? You need to get to this state as soon as possible as this will be your most productive state. But this will take time and it wont be easy.
I think you're completely right. Interacting with her is just hurting me more, she is obviously trying very hard to be mean to me at the moment. It's not really her nature to be like this, I can tell she is struggling with it. It's a shame our journey has to end like this, it really is.
Trying hard to be mean to me?
It's not really in her nature?
You can tell she is struggling?
You are mind reading.. my friend you know nothing.
I don't mean to sound harsh but if you knew you wouldn't be here in the first place.
From this point on never talk and convince yourself you know her or understand her actions.
Well I did it, I stayed strong. My W text me and so I told her what time I would be home cause she had my car keys. She offered to pick me up from the train station before she left for the night to wherever it is she goes. I said if she liked, got a long reply back so I just text back yeah that’s fine. She was early at the train station (first time ever), I was polite and cordial. She dropped me off and came inside, she told me she cooked some food if I wanted anything, and grabbed some painkillers for her headache. I went to the toilet hoping she would just leave. But she waited. I said goodbye and stood there, she came over and hugged my, I put my hand on her hip and staid kind of firm, I said goodbye and as she walked out the door, I did too and went off to arrange a van for the weekend.
I’m sure after the hug she will be very cold when she comes to collect the kids tomorrow to take them to my hometown. But I’m confident I can stay strong and just be happy. I don’t think I came across as too happy tonight as the pressure was building on the 3 hour train journey home, especially once I knew she was collecting me. I, looking forward to moving out this weekend, I’m sure it’ll be tough at first but it’ll settle down I imagine...
In the bin is 2 bottles of wine, and one bottle of the wines her friend drinks. I just don’t understand why she’s the one that needs to get drunk every night when she left me, I only had two pints in the hotel!
Those sound like positive steps! I can say from my experience it is a bit easier once you're actually living separately. I hope the move goes as well as possible!
What really kills me is that it has happened here, we have no family or real friends here, we've lived here 10+ years
Why no friends after 10+ years? When I was that age, I would not have done well (emotionally) living that many years away from family and having no friends nearby.......and raising two kids.
How young were you when you M each other? Did either of you date other people before going together?
I think you need to take her seriously when she doesn't want to be alone with the children. Considering her attacking you, she seems emotionally unstable. Biting seems pretty violent.......were you holding her down?
What kind of childhood did she have? Did she marry young to get away from her parents?
Quote:
I’m sure after the hug she will be very cold when she comes to collect the kids tomorrow to take them to my hometown.
Then why do you try to touch her? If she initiates a hug......then respond as if she's your sister. That means keeping your hands off every thing but her back and shoulders. Hips are too familiar/personal.
Quote:
I just don’t understand why she’s the one that needs to get drunk every night when she left me, I only had two pints in the hotel!
You only had two pints? What happened to just one pint after work? Maybe you need to try and think outside of the box. The fact that she gets drunk every night (even when staying with the kids?) may have nothing to do with which spouse left the other one. However, it could have everything to do with her current frame of mind. Perhaps she is trying to forget something in her past.......or maybe she is acting like GGW.
So, what steps have you taken to improve the man called Liam?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Liam I personally think you're dong great, under the circumstances. I get what you're saying about friends and family. In 27 years, because my W was the Main Event, slowly the large collection of friends and family wittled down and we are now down to 2 close friends and cousins on both sides. So if the worse happens in my sitch it will certainly be tough all round (but of course she won't comprehend this....yet). She has certainly has not cultivated any close female ties since our DD came along, but clearly she likes the company of the opposite sex.
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Well it's all came out now, she was having an affair the whole time with the exact person I thought it was, took a lot to get the evidence I needed, when confronted with it she fell to pieces but says she's in love with him, I've told his wife who is her friend, she looks after their little girl in her nursery. I'm done now and can move on. Looking forward to a new life with the kids!
