Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Re: 2 sides to every story .. final chapter

Exquisite,

What do you do for you? Do you take some time to nurture a hobby of your own? Do you spend time with friends?

Who are YOU?

You put so much of your worth based upon your ex still. But YOU are YOU regardless of him.

If you were writing a profile about yourself, what would your hobbies include? When was the last time you could say you had FUN. Where did you go the last time you hung out with your friends?

You put so much weight into everything he does. Have you examined why it gets under your skin so much that he was asking son if the roads are ok?

Do you see an IC?

We are on a similar timeline, although a different situation. I feel as if I might be having an MLC sometimes myself. I am very over my ex. But lately I am surely frustrated about the consequences his actions have had on my life, even 10 years later. I am pissed as heck that I have to share holidays. I am pissed as heck that I cannot get up and move. I want to move so badly with our daughter. To a place that is affordable and we can start over. I hate that I never had another kid. Remarriage never happened even though I was so young, because I was keeping life together for me and my D. She was my focus, my job I loved within my career was not compatible with single motherhood and I kept having to make changes. In 10 years I haven't had an R that lasted more than 6 months mostly due to my situation. I get piddles for child support, he pays what he is obligated towards, but down to the penny. I have pretty much no family and do all this on my own.

I have been so down lately sometimes myself I wished I were dead. Seriously. But I look to my daughter who needs me so much. I look at the absolutely amazing little lady she is becoming (she is 10) and how much joy she brings to everyone around her and to me, I couldn't imagine not being here for her. My own mom killed herself. It certainly is hell to live with. My daughter, in herself is worth living and worth moving forward every day, even if my heart has a very painful void.

My ex husband never thanked me once for all I do for our daughter. And I do it all. He takes her on his weekends and one night a week, takes her to family parties, ect. but has no idea how she is doing in school(she is an honor role student). never asks, never asks if he could help with anything. He simply has no interest beyond being a weekend parent. Once in elementary school, he was going to pick her up and the school called me because they never ever hear about him and wanted to make sure it was ok. My daughter is who she is because of me, and I take huge pride in that. One day, maybe he will thank me.

Sorry I speak of myself so much. But I just think I can relate on a level. I feel your pain, because I was there. I spent so much time being so angry with my ex that every comment or every move he would make would send me into a deep anger. I was only hurting myself at that time.

If you were to read my thread in the divorced portion of this forum, I am struggling big time myself. I struggle with lonliness and isolation. I have had a very rough year where I had a short yet very significant relationship with a guy and when we broke up I sunk into a huge depression. I joined a rec volleyball league to drag myself out. I am an active person. I was beginning to feel like myself again, when I had an injury in a game that took me out of all activities, I had to have surgery and the recovery has been long and brutal. And I have gotten way depressed again. My IC always credits me to being so proactive with taking myself out of a depression but this year has been difficult for me to do that.

But I did graduate with an advanced degree. That was pretty awesome!

Now that I have been so long-winded, and I know my posts might piss you off sometimes, but I can't begin to explain how I was exactly where you were. Everyone's posts to my caliber used to get under my skin a little. But now, I couldn't thank them enough for pushing me forward.

I do get you. More than you'll know. Which is my I am going to push you a bit. Feel free to tell me to back off.

Do you see an IC? Mine has been a lifesaver. She's like the mom I never had.

Try to go back to YOU. Not how your ex affects this and that, but what you can do for you that doesn't involve the thoughts of him, what he did, ect. Just be a single mom in your mind and think about what you would be if he was never in the picture. What you would do for yourself.

((ExquisiteToBe))

Oh my.

You have been wearing the superhero suit for a long time. Being the sane parent, mom, provider, therapist and so on. You are understandably tired.

This time of year is tough on us all. I know that I've been struggling myself beyond what I've posted here and I have few responsibilities compared to you.

As far as our former spouses go - the whole "operating without a net" thing is uncomfortable. Yes - if we had a crisis neither of them could be counted on. We do really have only ourselves that we can count on. And there are people who count on us even if they are largely independent.

One thing that I promised my kids when this crap all started was that I wouldn't make any big changes for 3 years. I'm not almost 2 years in. The world can be a scary place for us "unsupervised" folk.

I think one big difference between "us" and "them" is that they have a selfish sense of entitlement that we don't. My IC once told me that if I was questioning whether I was having my own MLC that I wasn't. We are the more self-aware ones. On the other hand - we are also the ones writing this side of the story.

You are soon going to be having the scary opportunity to be a true empty nester - maybe this is a time to start indeed thinking about what your future could look like. I wonder what your kids would think. Don't underestimate them. In their minds they perhaps imagine that Mom will always be exactly where and how she is.

Oh - and superheroes are allowed to wear their underwear on the outside

Hi Exquisite, I'm sorry to read your post above & hope you'll be feeling brighter soon. I think Ginger posted a worthwhile question about why him being in touch in that way got under your skin so much? Perhaps this may be worthwhile to explore and perhaps also explore what you may need to further release him and the situation.

For me (and we don't have kids together, which is a big difference) it has helped me to see he and I as living entirely separate lives now. I keep in touch with my stepson, but have nothing at all to do with XH. What he did was pretty awful, but I have got to a point where I can see that was up to him and really he was trying to do things for himself, not 'to me.' Although I was unfortunately in the crossfire big time - as were so many here.

From what you post above it sounds as though you still feel upset and angry because of his choices - I understand that and forgiveness isn't easy. I have seen it described here as like peeling an onion, you get a little bit further along the forgiveness path as time goes on hopefully. But we forgive because it releases us from being bound to a bad situation by our own feelings of anger.

I also realised that whatever XH may have done, the state of my life now and how I feel now - these are all up to me - I am responsible for them. And that has nothing to do with him in the least - it's all on me - so I try to keep myself in a good place and give myself what I need. I do ruminate sometimes about the situation, but I also try and release it and I practice thinking of XH with peace (rather than bitterness) in my heart - it's a work in progress for sure and sometimes I manage it better than others.

A friend recently shared a lovely article with me about the three loves that we need in our lives: Love for ourselves (self-compassion and self-esteem), love for others (our friends, family, pets, colleagues - possibly a SO but optional...) and doing activities we love, that bring us a sense of flow and joy. I have thought about that article many times since - and I would add gratitude to these as an important aspect. What am I thankful for, following my XH's MLC?

Anyway, I hope there may be something of help to you in this posting. Also, I would encourage you to reach out for help and support if you are feeling low.

Best wishes to you and I hope you feel better soon xx

Thank you for your support!

Why does it get under my skin? : simple.. the fake. The constant presence everywhere we go and everything we do. His sneaky ways. How did he know we were having this reunion? How did he know we were on our way back at that moment?
CONSTANTLY!! Does your ex keep tabs on your every day through messages to the kids?

My future: i want to relocate. My prior post showdd you what i will be fighting about. The neighbourhood, the condition of my house and my low profile job. It' s all there and he will make this move a living h@ll for me while sounding amazingly caring for the kids. Meanwhile, if we struggle, it will be my stupidity who will be pointed out.

It seem this new(old) life is my norm now and it stinks. The only way of freedom from him would be at the cost of my children which i am not willing to give up..

My empty nest envision: business owner or business management. Once my phisical can no longer perfofm the work, i am thinking about volontaire work with the elderly.

What do i do for fun: in the summer, exploration, road trips, hiking.
In the winter: coffee with friends once a week. Go to visit Son every week-end.. if weather permit, visit D22 at least 3 times through the winter.

I received a call from ex-h on my cell.
His tone of voice was dry and disturbed. As if he was upset he needed to talk to me. The reason of his call? He needed registration numbers of our 2 youngest one. He has those papers at his house but had a dead line of 30 min. to fill the forms. As i am the organised one, he knew i would have those numbers within minutes and i did.

A few minutes later, he called again to tell me what he needed those number for. Turns out our children are entitle to receive 500.00 each from the band they belong to. As long as the proper forms were in by 4h30pm today.

This time, his tone was calm but i had to cut his call short as i received a call from Son aswell.

For son... his car his totalled. Today, he rdceived the $$$ amount of its worth. He will be getting close to 15 000 for it. It should cover what he has left owing on it. It is a matter of a couple of weeks and this will be settled. He does not want another vehicule just yet. He likes having the extra money. No insurance, no paiements.. he likes it this way..

I hear you about being the organized one. More than a year ago after STBX left, I copied the digital versions of her tax forms, photos etc out to free internet storage and emailed her a link along with a deadline after which I would delete the files.

Fast forward to the settlement meetings. She'd forgotten the passwords and her lawyer tried to get me to provide tech support and recover the files. Nope.

Mind you, I wasn't surprised at all and had asked D25 to make a copy for her mother before I deleted the files. That would have required her to have more than superficial conversations with her daughter though I suppose. I expect that she doesn't know that everything is safely stored still.

One of the advantages of having adult kids is the fact that I don't have to organize anything. I'm sure you and I could dream up a dozen ways to "help" our former partners have the information they need and to smooth their paths for them, but we got fired from that job. Hopefully these are things that the kids can empower themselves to do on their own - but we do have a tough time stopping being "Mom and Dad" and also being the "fix it".

PS - I'm glad your son wasn't injured in his car accident. They can be scary things. My own son doesn't even have his license although he knows that he would get a free car (my old one with 450,000km on it) if he did.

One a semi-related note - I believe he's off Christmas shopping at long last with "20-something". Not that they told me, she came up to me, gave me a huge hug and said "I'm stealing your kid". I'd been tempted to ask him if he needed transport, or funds for Christmas shopping and am proud of myself for not trying to "fix" things for him. If for Christmas I get some of his time and perhaps some of the fresh bread that he makes so well, I will be a content father.

Andrew a dozen ways is easy. We could easily come up with hundreds of ways to make their lives easier but like you said, we got fired and i, sometime, still fix it. Something i should work on. Let his little lady do her job but I AM the mother of my children and i do not want her to handle any of MY responsabilities.. she can be the lover but NOT THE MOM. That belongs to me.

The Christmas shopping... Sound like 20 something might be charming to you in order to get closer with your son??
Did you make a Christmas list?

Unlike you, i succomb to Son. He saw something his father would like for Christmas but did not have his debit with him. I payed. He asked if i was sure it was ok and i said yes. Figured it was part of the support i get for him therefor should not make a big deal of it. ( but it is grossing me out to know i payed for his present) This was in the degrading text time. My son should not be bearing my anger towards his father. Today, i am good with my decision.

E,

I too am a fixer. I respond to her calls for help with the children always and her, sometimes. I haven’t gotten to the place where I always say no. I wish I could say: ask your BF!

"20 Something" is my son's best friend. I think she looks on me as a benevolent and somewhat gullible Uncle. I am a man though and she is no longer 12 - but - inappropriate for all sorts of reasons.

I don't know as we're all that different as far as our thoughts around our children and our obligations to them. This is the first year when I haven't been the funder of S23's Christmas shopping. If he wasn't working I would have again. What I / we always did was set a budget of X dollars that we would give the kids to allocate however they wanted. I did struggle a bit last Christmas knowing that I was paying for his gift to his mother as well as his gift to me. He does try hard to be thoughtful. This year, I chose to not offer and he's not asked for a Christmas budget. If he did ask, I would raise an eyebrow but pass over the cash.

I think you did the right thing by providing funding. One mental exercise that has helped me and I learned from other divorced parents (although I'm not quite divorced yet) was to think of my former partner as my children's mother. The connection goes through them and I'm not part of it. I actually think I'm doing reasonably well on that part.

For myself, I certainly have a list and check it twice Being a jolly fat guy with a grey beard perhaps makes that a requirement. I try hard to be thoughtful and actually started my list back in September when I was visiting D25 and noticed some things that might make their lives more pleasant. They did mention that the membership to the local zoo was greatly appreciated and that they hoped for a renewal - it was done. I've told them, and D25 has heard the message very clearly, that the most precious gift that they can give me is their time. Last year for my birthday she gave me two entire days of her time. It was wonderful.

I firmly agree on not giving up our obligations to our children to whoever our former partners may be hooked up with. The only people we can rely on is ourselves. We know what our standards are and we will meet them. I held these children in my arms as they took some of their first breaths. I'm not about to let them go now.

I am so glad that your son is okay...but sorry that his car was totaled. I'm sure in a couple of months, he'll be ready to get another one...but for now...he appears to be happy to have some cash coming in.

I think you did the right thing in helping your son w/the gift. Your actions showed your son that even though things are so great between you and your xh, you are willing to help your son forge a relationship w/his father. Supporting our children through these difficult times will pay off two fold in the future.

As Andrew pointed out...we can only rely on ourselves and will know and meet our standards when they come along.