Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How a treehouse can cost you your marriage

I went to the sheriff station and asked if they could just document the scratches I received, they said only if I file a report in which case they will have to arrest my w. Against everyones advice I did not proceed, they were only scratches and at that time, I had no idea were the situation was about to go

A few hours later I finally got a hold of my w. I again pleaded that we move forward w/ the well being of the kids in mind. She told me she would be home the next day. The next day she returned with a lot more than the suitcase she had been using during the past weeks, it was as if she wanted to make a statement that she was not leaving. I confronted her about it and told her that I had no problem w/ her coming back but we needed to come to an understanding and plan for how we would proceed with out the drama, police, etc. She refused to talk, so I put my foot down and said we will talk the next day before the kids wake up. That night she left to go hang out w/ the paralegal again. Right before she left my daughter ask me why mom was looking up locksmiths on the iPad.

The next a.m. we sit down to talk, I asked her given the false statements in the court docs and the false statements called into the police, if she would mind if I recorded the conversation, she said go ahead. Shortly into the conversation I realized that was a mistake when the w, who was sitting about 6 feet away from were I was sitting said" get your finger out of my face. Again I was dumb founded by the level she would stoop to. At that point I asked straight out are you trying to frame me, she said no, I asked if she did not feel safe in our home for some reason, she said yes. (Other than the scratches I got from her the previous week, neither of us had ever laid a hand on one another or even put a finger in the others face). I told her if for some reason she did not feel safe that she needed to leave until she did feel safe.

She walked out and proceeded to text my family members that I was acting crazy and she was really worried about my well being. She then called the sheriff and I don't know what she said but they showed up and surrounded my house like the swat team. I watched as they all got into position, walked out to the gate and told them my kids can see me from here can we walk next to my trailer if the planned on patting me down or anything, the said yes and halfway to the trailer they forcefully took me down and cuffed me.

After they made sure I was not the threat I was made out to be they removed the cuffs and started questioning both of us apart from one another. I offered to show them that there were no firearms in the house, they told me it was not necessary. They again told us that it was a civil matter, nothing they could do, no report was taken. The deputy that questioned my w came out and told me she was going to leave for a while, I said good, he then told me that she was going to take the kids and there was nothing I could do about it, however my d who was 12 at the time clearly did not want to go w/ the w, and legally she is not old enough to have a say in it, but that he could clearly see that she did not want to go with her mom and he could not see any reason not to let her stay with me, so she did.

Later that evening my dad had just picked up my d to take her swimming. I heard the gate and there was my w unlocking the gate to let 8 deputies in. The came right in my house, forcefully sat me down at my table and served me with a Temporary Restraining Order stating that I was not allowed near my w, kids, or my house until a court date about 4 weeks away. They gave me two minutes to gather my belongings and leave.

To obtain the TRO, my w claimed that I slammed her in the gate the day she was trying to have me served, also claimed I jammed my finger into her chest when arguing, and that I throw stuff at her in front of the kids. All a complete fabrication.

Up to that point I had never been away from my kids for a single night, it seemed as though my world was ending. My lawyer was not that worried about the TRO, he was confident it would get thrown out and that since my cabinet shop is on the property that I am no longer able to be within 100 yards of, I can not work so that constitutes an emergency and we were able to get an exparte hearing right away (4 days after the TRO was served). The TRO did get dismissed (in a later court date she admitted it was bogus, VINDICATION!!!, however it will always be on my otherwise clean record) and while in court that day we were able to come up with a custody and support agreement, we agreed on 50/50 custody split with the kids... the support amount was were my w stooped again (mind you she took all my tax docs, and I had no access to my shop or office) she swore up and down I made 4 times more than I actually do and ended up getting an insane amount for support + I had to pay for her apartment. 3 months later I was able to get the support amount were it should be according to my true income.

The day after the TRO was dismissed, I called her and asked how she could do this to me, what in the world did I do to deserve all this, she claimed that I was trying to take her kids away from her, that I was trying to frame her for abandonment, were she came up with this idea I don't know, but I guess it helped her to live with what she had done.

I told her that even though I am still digesting what just happened and needed to come to terms with it, that I still loved her and hoped and prayed that we will figure it all out and get our family back together.

So a little bit more about my w, and our r. when we met she was a pre school teacher. She made me court her for a year before getting serious. she went to church and read her bible regularly. You would of never guessed that she came from the most extreme type of dysfunctional family.

When we had our first kid we decided she would be a SAHM, she embraced every bit of it... I was in awe of he motherly instincts and abilities, all our kids had organic homemade baby food, knew sign language before they could speak and so on. She homeschooled our daughter until 5th grade.

There were a few times during our 16 years that she picked up a waitressing job but never long term, during the 16 years she only worked 3 years total on and off. I was fine with being the sole provider, we made a good team, I knew I could always count on her to keep the family and home going if I needed to focus on a project. At times she wanted to pick up a waitressing job to help when funds were tight but it was never that sensible given the time she was away and what she would make, and that I would have to not work and be with the kids when she did, occasionally during these discussions I would encourage her to go back to school and get a career, this would frustrate her as she felt I was belittling her, I'd try to explain to her the benefits... not only financially but to her well being, I'd point out how she really does not like waitressing, but she loved being a preschool teacher, why not become a kindergarten teacher and so forth. She never wanted to hear it and would say things like "you know what you were marring into". Deep down I knew that if she wanted to work she would be happier with a career but it became one of those sensitive topics I knew to try and avoid.

During our relationship, prior to the last year and a half we were intimate at least twice a day, with her initiating it at least once a day, life was good in that department... then I started to realize that even though the frequency did not decline, she did not initiate it. I brought this up to her and she said not to think anything of it, and occasionally initiated it. Eventually we went to about 2-3 times a week (I know I have nothing to complain about here), but I could tell she was not into it like in the past. She would stay up late avoiding bedtime together.

During this time she was talking/texting with her friends a lot more than in the past, this is also the time when I found the text of her and her friends talking bad about me.

This is where that damn treehouse and my response to feeling unappreciated comes back to haunt me. During MC, and even to this day she will bring up the treehouse argument and say I took her off her pedestal that day, and she began to put up her wall. Well one would think that having the cause, a solution would be easy to find, not so. There has been nothing I can say to assure my w that I still hold her on a pedestal and adore her in every way.

I must say even though she says that day was the start of it, I think it was going to happen no matter what because while I did not respond well that day, her list of reasons why we are in our current situation is not that solid, its like she is looking for reasons to despise me.

I know my w is responsible for her own actions, but I know her "sister" and friends are fueling it, after the first time she mentioned d, I started reading what ever I could to help our situation and doing 180's. She noticed because she text all her friends how much I was trying to make things better, cooking dinner, owning my faults, etc. told them she really does love me... there overwhelming response "pull your heart out of it and use your head".

I also got the "I love you but am not in love with you" dagger to the heart about 5 months ago.

Current day: Now that all the court drama is over we are not fighting. I am trying to detach but have slipped a lot (I got and read DB & DR about three weeks ago re-read DR over the last few days...plenty of time to read when you can't sleep). We see each other often dropping the kids off, often well sit down talk have a cup of tea. My d needs me to help her with her algebra so they sometimes come over when there on their moms time, we usually do dinner as a family these nights, I think she enjoys these moments and I know she can see how much the kids enjoy it. The most I have gone with out bringing up r talks is probably a week since she moved out. Her response was always the same either I don't want to talk about, or talk enough to say how much I screwed up and then say she got to go always ending in I just need space.

However, things seemed to have changed over the past week or so. She seems to be more involved and willing to talk, (we had about 3 talks over the past week) but she has never initiated the talks.

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Sorry that you are going through all of this. But is way past trying to save your MR. Divorce your W and keep it moving. Your entire way of life is at stake. The deputies know your W is lying and still kicked you out if your home. There should be a report made every time they showed up, regardless if it was a civil matter. The friend is leading the charge. So it's time to start putting dirt out on her and all her A. And throw them other friends under the bus as well.

People on here will advise you to be the bigger person. But This is literally your life here. W will have you only getting supervised visit with your children at this rate. Its time for you to charge your W with domestic violence for those scratches if still possible. The officer you talked to should be able to back your story since he saw the scratches. And talked to your lawyer about coming up with a real plan.

Don't let let him just get back to you. Because that friend is probably at your house right now in your W ear. Forget the MR at this point. Save yourself and your children.

As much as I want to, I cant necessarily agree that divorce is the best option. At least not at this point. Yes, she has done a LOT of shady things. But to me, I dont think being divorced necessarily changes the ramifications of them or prevents additional things from happening in the future.

My advice would be right now to stop stoking the embers and checking the temperature with these kinds of things above. Youre letting her eat all kinds of cake by keeping yourself squarely on the hook by temp checking, by starting these convos, by having family dinners, etc. It does not read like progress to me - it reads like she is using you to get what she wants while keeping you attached.

I would stop ALL of this and go as quiet with her as you can. Id focus on building your own mental strength through GAL and really take some time to heal from all of the trauma that you have had to go through. I do not think that having her around this frequently is good for either of you.

Please keep reading and keep posting!

Thanks Kaizen,

The two things you mention are what finally motivated me to start a thread on my sitch.

So yes I want to stay married and want to reconcile. The first reason I am not giving up hope is that everything in her life changed at once... its not like our relationship was the only thing that changed. When she did mention d and started not coming home a lot of others things changed, for example, she stopped going to church, stopped reading her bible, became less involved with the kids, she stopped communicating with mutual friends who likely would of encouraged her to look at her actions, she insulated herself with her core group of friends who were fueling the sitch, she started drinking with her friends again (she has never and still doesn't have alcohol problems but I mention it because she had completely stopped drinking all together 2 years prior, part of her holistic approach to life), she started social media sites and became obsessed with monitoring them (she used to despise this of others).

The second reason I am fighting for our M & R is that prior to all the craziness, I could not of asked for a better w, a better best friend.

The third is our family, I know I was blessed with my w and kids, I've had to really reflect and pray if I am willing to let this chaos destroy it, knowing the man upstairs does not put on us more than we can bear, I've really dug deep and mainly tried to focus on what good can and is coming from this sitch, I know I am a better father than I ever was before, I am also a better husband. If we can pull through all this and preserve our m and family I do believe it will be stronger than ever.

You also mentioned no longer starting convos and no longer doing family dinners, this was the other thing I was struggling with. I started to wonder if the family dinners/hanging out were letting her have the best of both worlds, and maybe if we did not do those things she would miss them and be apt to work on our m.

As far as the convos go I thought after reading DB & DR I was strong enough to stop them, but last week I slipped and started what seemed to turn into the most enlightening ones yet... at one point I even told her "wow, I'm glad we can talk because I had no idea about how you felt about a lot of things and vise versa, maybe taking some misconceptions off the plate will lessen your desire for space/not wanting a relationship at the moment." for example, she justifies the bogus TRO by saying it was her only defense against me claiming she abandoned the kids to get more custody, I told her not only would I have never done that, but I had no grounds to do so, the court would never consider her going out partying with her friends abandonment, (I can only guess witch one of her friends put that idea in her head). I also told her at that point that I completely forgave her for the TRO, it still hurts, but forgiving it makes it hurt a little less, and her reasons for justifying it only add to the hurt.

But any way to my point on the convos, I was struggling with the thought of wether or not her finally engaging in them is being productive in the healing process and should I continue them.