Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Chapter 5 - Turning over to a new page

Bigybiz and AndrewP - looks like both of you are standing for your MR. I’m curious to know why you haven’t filed for D?

I chose not to file for D - it's a deeply personal choice for everyone as marriage is such a central thing in our lives. On this forum, I have seen people file because it was necessary financially, or because they wanted to be in the driving seat - or because they were deeply hurt or angry - and many other reasons.

I have also seen people stand for their marriage. For me, I hadn't wanted the marriage to end and so I didn't want to file for divorce. I wanted to have stood up for our marriage when it was in crisis and my ex wanted out. Also, reading Michelle's work, I realised that one spouse feeling it was 'the end' might not mean 'the end.'

I haven't regretted my decision not to file - and there are others around who don't regret their decision to file. Sometimes people file after spending many years trying to make things work, or recovering from infidelity or some other betrayal.

I think any time we question - should I file - we aren't really ready. Many times I have seen people post - you know if/when the time comes and wouldn't be in any doubt. I never felt that way and in my case, my XH filed and finalised the divorce.

I have no regrets about my decision to stand. My regrets would be more around what kind of wife and partner I was, and how I might have been a better partner - not that I was an awful partner, but I could have been better in ways too.

The main thing is to be at peace in the longer term with any decisions you make now.

Thanks for your perspective Sotto.

It is definitely a deeply personal decision for everyone and as you mentioned, there are many reasons why people file.

I am nowhere near in my sitch to file - I can't do it until 12 months of separation have passed and I am in like month 4 of the separation and about 5 months post BD. Also, not in a place where it is a question that I can answer. I am just interested in knowing why people are standing for their MR and why people file. Just getting perspective and insight.

Personally I would want my M to persist somehow as it is a crucial time for my D at school. I am hoping that when the appropriate evidence presents itself I would threaten D (this time for real rather than the hypothetical conversation at the time of the last confrontation), enough to make her see what she is doing to everyone for real and pull back from the brink (I hope and pray).

BigyBiz - Your thread seemed to take a bit of a left turn here for a moment.

I thought I'd just pop my head over the parapet and check to see how you are doing.

Andrew P:

Thanks for you reply. I would love to connect with you face to face. I so enjoy your posts. Let's figure out how to do that without breaking the T&C's


You are right on so many things. D21 was shocked that her mom just showed up with the OM and expected she and her brothers to go have brunch with them. Apparently W asked them each months ago if it was OK if she date. I think that was a rhetorical question.

I took the opportunity to talk to my sons about the damage that premarital and extra marital sex brings.

I'm no where near detachment. It's been over 2 years since BD.

I may contact him. Remember I contacted her EA partner. He ran like a 10 year old girl.

If the M is over - what difference does it make and I'd be proud to tell my sons that I did not just lie down like a bump.

On another note: W and I had a run in last night. I did the best listening and Validating to date. See I'm learning.

I've invited her over for dinner to talk and see our very sick dog. Chances are 0 she is coming. 0 expectations.

Maika:

Thanks for stopping by. It's been 2 years since BD. Living apart for 16 months. I won't file. If she want's to she can.

Had a run in with W on Tuesday night. She was very frustrated and told me I'm deliberately trying to interfere with her time with S11, S17. I'm punishing her as I won't "swap" time with her. If she is not able to be with the boys - I take a day in lieu. That allows me to have the boys for other events etc.

I did a great job - I listened, I validated, I did not get emotional.

I felt great. I invited her to talk about it again and work it out. I was advised that "offering a solution or to solve this issue" won't be received well.

I get it - we'll just have to wait till it blows up again.

So every time she cannot see the boys on her assigned day, she has to forfeit that day....plus give you an extra day for whatever event you want to have them? Please tell me I misunderstand.

Is she right? Are you subconsciously punishing her?

Sandi2:

Thank you so much for stopping by my thread. I've so missed your insights. Please keep it up.

No misunderstanding. My guess is it only matters that she thinks I'm punishing her. I have 0 desire to punish her.

If we are ex business partners, if you want something from me, you need to give me something of identical value. For me access to my sons is reasonable exchange. W often says "I can't do Thursday, can I have the boys Wednesday" and I'll say no that's alright. I have a plan/routine and there is no need to disrupt it.

My mother just turned 84. Her b'day was on W's day. Instead of me spending days, trying to track her down by phone, text etc and getting ticked off as she does not reply. I simply dip into the pool of lieu days. My sister and nephews came to visit from Australia. We had two weeks of visitors, weekends away, day trips, etc. If I had not had the pool of days to draw from, my sons would have missed seeing their cousins who they see every 5 years.

I've never said to her, I can't take the boys when she has asked. I've cancelled personal, family and professional engagements to help. Yet, I'm in flexible.

No acknowledgement of my efforts. Just more blame.

Sandi2 and everyone else. - I'd love to solve this impasse. Let me know your thoughts.