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We now live apart because of work commitments. We communicated for some time and he told me that he will never forgive me. he also mentioned that I am spolt and I need to tolerate when he is communicating with other women and also learn to live without physical affection. He is still emotionally available and all conversations he does not listen to me but wants me to understand him. He gives conditions on what I should do because he is hurt, I comply but he starts again to insult me. I decided that we need to be on separation tow hich he did not mention anything. Now NC to avoid further verbal and emotional abuse. He continues to want to talk but I avoid him

I feel so much better now when I am alone. I was making so much effort single handedly and the pain and frustration is what ultimately took a toll. I know divorce is wrong (I am christian) but I feel so unhappy with him. He has not treated me well. I khave not been perfect and caused him pain too. Now I also feel guilty and a part of me wants to help him move on but with the way he treats me I find it difficult. He wants to talk to me but I really dont want because talking drains me and I really want to avoid feeling depressed by his treatment. What will it take to repair this marriage? Will we be happy?

Hi Lovelyp,

Separation although wrong allows the insanity to stop and reflection of your situation to be truly studied. Also it gives you time to BE YOU, I would say don’t cater for his feelings and how you envisage the communications between you both panning out before they happen. You are a happy, confident outgoing person the world loves, acting that way will bring out the best in you.

You don’t need to allow anybody to bring you down with the internal issues they’re going through that’s not your role, you look after you. MWD talks about “act as if” when you have interactions with WH show the above ^^^^ stay away from R talks and D talks and all the other issues involved with your situation and just concentrate on showing the wonderful Lovelyp!

When you’re ready to talk about the MR or D you’ll know but until then set the boundaries and if it starts to go that direction pleasantly ask for a recess or ask him to stop or if it STILL continues ask him to leave. You shouldn’t have to be made to feel this way every time you come into contact with each other that’s no way to live!

Does showing the above Lovelyp make you more attractive..? Yes but remember you’re doing this for you don’t let WH bring you down.

M.

Hi LP

After reading your post it reminded me of the loong contracts done by lawyers where to say yes they need 4 paragraphs. In other words I got lost.

It is great that Sandi2 is here with her infinite knowledge and help. The fact she made heads and tails is a great reflection of that.

What strikes me as confusing is that you seem to inititate sex but I see no comment or mention about other signs of affection. Is sex the only affectionate way you and your husband bond or communicate? Do you hold hands, kiss, send sexy or romantic texts, etc?

In some posts your relationship seems like a movie, from soppy "Ghost" to Terminator. Is there a detonator that creates these moods or is it spontaneous explosion.

My final comment is in relation to your last words in your last post. You still don't get it. Your marriage IS OVER. At least the one you knew. The 2 people who met, fell in love and married are gone. What is left is a black hole sucking everything in including your hopes, dreams, happiness and emotions. Any effort spent on reversing the situation is a wasted one.

Your husband's emotional bullying, to me shows he's a pu$$y. A real man faced with adversities confronts them and deals with them. The complete range of absurdities I read he does is sickening. Not only the context but also to whom.

It is always easy to harm those who love us. You made a mistake agreed but there is only so many times you can play the affair card. Everything about his actions points to his issues, his insecurities, his demons.

Before you have a shot of starting a new relationship with this man he needs to address those which from what I see he is not doing as he constantly blames you for everything. It is not until he shuts down his anger and focuses on what he really wants that you will have any chance of anything (IMHO). BTW it is not your job to help him move on but yours to make you move on or forward.

The fact he wants to talk to you and ends up in arguments or insults etc is that he still has a lot of anger and issues built up inside and until he spews everything out it will go on and on.

The question is if you want to take any more of it. I wouldn't.

I remember from my old DB days that how we act towards someone affects their interactions with us. You need to find the route to shut his actions towards you down. Put out the fire. Only then can something grow.

To your final comment, will "we" be happy, my question is will YOU be happy. In all honesty no. Forget the WE.


Peace

[quote=Parkema]Hi Lovelyp,

Separation although wrong

With all due respect, I don't think it's wrong to separate from this man at all.

Lovely, you are protecting yourself. That is healthy.

By getting a bit of space, you may see yourself and your h (and marriage) in a new light.

There are times we stay in or enter a relationship based on our spouse's potential as our partner, not as they really are.

I did this myself. I saw things that validated my choice to stay, believing he was simply confused or had too many FOO issues and would come out of it and wake up and really be who I think he once was...

I spent a lot of energy maintaining the illusion that my h was invested in us & our m the same way I was. I accepted things I should not have accepted. I will always wonder what might have happened if I had enforced boundaries earlier. And I have to live with that regret.

Going NC is the simplest healthy way to get the distance you need to breathe freely and think about where you want your life to go.

How you want to live it and what you want to model for your children about boundaries and healthy self respect. Life is short.

Be the author of your own life. Write the next chapter yourself, write it based on how you want the novel of your life, to go.

Thank you all for the responses. You made my day. This is the first time I have managed to detach completely. Other times I would respond out of fear of losing the marriage. Now I am not afraid anymore, I am only praying for the best and for God to lead me. If it is his will then he will open Hs eyes and he seeks IC and works on his issues while I do the same. I feel making the changes and is for myself and I know it will make me a better person.

Thank you for the your warm response. I felt so much better reading your post. I am already working on myself and the separation and detachment is giving me time and space.

Thank you for taking time to read and responding to my "contract". I apologise for writing too much and not making it easy to read. I will keep improving on that. Thanks.




Yes, unfortunately for us sex was the only way he liked. Whenever I tried to inititate other ways like holding hands, kissing or sending romantic texts he would quickly stop me. I think he only kissed me very few times after we married and it was all in the first 3 months then he started avoiding. He also doesnt like ti hug, but flowers or cards. I used to do that then stopped due to lack of reciprocity.He doesnt like to hold hands and always makes excuses. Only did when we were dating.

There are times I wear sexy lingeries and try to look sexy and during those times he would tell me that he is regreting marrying me or remembered things I did or said that hurt him in the past. It has been like that for all years of our marriage except the first year maybe.

I told him that I need us to show more affection. His response is that I value things that are not important. He says Iam so spoilt because I used to get too much attention and have too many marriage needs. The other time he proposed that I can feel free to have someone for physical affection that I want too much.



Lol yes its like that. Sometimes it seems so great and I become hopeful. Then his mood changes. He says he thinks a lot at night and from the time he wakes up things get bad. Inititally he starts to ignore me and go out for walks alone. After a day or sometimes a week of silent treatment h explodes and starts to verbally abuse me. This has been happening for at least 6 years now. He says he has a lot of resentment because I disrespected him. Before the A he would still behave like that and verbally abuse me. Those times I would beg him and pursue him and ask for forgiveness etc.