Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers waw maybe

It's okay to snoop if your trying to investigate and verify. Once you have your proof of an A, then you need to fall back and stop snooping.

The thing is I do not want to snoop anymore, if there is an affair then it will show up and i will be able to put the pieces together. BTW i am really understand that there is prob an AP and it just may be a group of young people from her job.

W does not want to move out and I offered to pay for an appartment, at first she want a D now its been put on hold, not sure why. I asked her to file and she has not. This is a confusing time for her as she doesnt want to be married but cant file yet. So then I have believe I am set up as plan B. Well thats not going to happen.

As far as when I find out if there is AP I am well prepared and I will not tolerate it. The strength I have is from reading so many sitches on the board and watching some guys just act like they arent men. Caving in to every demand their WW give them.

IC said that I need to give W more time to sort through her issues, so I am going to give more time. If she begins to act nasty and mean I will set boundries.

I already pay for everything so its not a financial sitch.

So one question, in house S do I not talk to her at all? Hello GB? she is not feeling well today, offer to help? I am really at the point of not wanting to but also want to do the right thing.

AnotherStander if you are reading this please any advise would be appreciated.

Of course help. IMHO you are being that stand-up guy no matter what

I really just do not understand why if a WAS wants to D they just don't file, what are they waiting for?

I asked her last night why she hasnt filed and she said that if I keep asking her she will, I said do what you need to do. BTW I have only asked her twice in the last 2 weeks.

I am starting to not care about her, not every thought is about her anymore.

W has been cooking great meals and cleaning and doing all the stuff that has been neglected since BD. She is actually being very friendly to me, not sure why.

Can anyone help with the following questions:

W doesnt want anyone to know what is happening, why would she want this to be a secret? I asked her why she didnt discuss this with her closest sister and she said that she didnt want anyone to influence her decision.

W acts like we are the perfect family to our children and still wants to do family things.

There are days she acts like nothing is wrong then days she just will act so nasty towards me I just do not get it.

I have completely worked on myself and changed all the behaviors she mentioned that bothered her. She has said several times that she just doesnt love me anymore. I validate and move on, I never get angry or excited. It seems to me like she justs wants to be free to do what she wants.

She does not want to move out and does not want me to move out. I am just trying to understand what is it that she wants.

Just to recap I can find no evidence of an A other than this group of 20 year olds keep asking her to hang out. Our children are also questioning her about what is going on and she keeps saying that me and her are still talking it out. I said to her that its completely inappropriate to hang out with them and she said that is why she wants a D, to do what she wants. She hung out with them once in 5 months, and told me where she was going and with who. I do not necassarily believe her though.

Happy,

It sounds like you may actually have a chance here and like most newcomers you are going to make it worse by constantly looking for reassurance that she can't give your right now.

I asked her last night why she hasnt filed and she said that if I keep asking her she will, I said do what you need to do. BTW I have only asked her twice in the last 2 weeks.
*******REALLY just stop! Never ask again.

I have completely worked on myself and changed all the behaviors she mentioned that bothered her.
*********** Seriously?

I said to her that its completely inappropriate to hang out with them and she said that is why she wants a D, to do what she wants.
*******************Hello she can't get more clear. Stop judging her!!!!!!

If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.

Thank you LH sometimes we just need to hear this stuff.

Have not been able to post and I really should be because this is the place that I get the best advice.

I have some questions but first thank you to all the vets on here bc if it werent for them I would be D already and the only thing that has stopped that is me backing off completely.

If WAS wants to D why do they not file?

Why in the beginning after BD are they so angry?

If there is OM why don't they just tell LBS?

My W continues to do things as a family but will not do anything with me alone. She has done some things to make it feel like she was being nice such as doing my laundry cooking meals for me only.

I told her that if there is OM I have no prob with that and I will just let go and we can just get D'ed but she is adamant that there isn't. I have no proof of this and I have tried hard to find any.

I have a great GAL and she is asking the kids about me and they are telling me she is asking.

IC says that wife is experiencing poss MLC, Empty Nest, Menopause... etc etc.

Just to recap she does not want to move out and does not want me to move out. I have not spoken to her in two weeks and she intiates hello, and has asked benign questions that she already has the answer to. We do not fight or argue and didnt even before all this. My suspicion is she is going to file after the holidays and no i am not mind reading just a suspicion.

I am nearly 6 months post BD and at this point I dont even know her anymore. I may want to D now and she can just move on.

The kids who are all adults want to stay with me, they think W is a bit off the rails.

Being that she is still here does anyone have any advice how to procede from this point on.. should I start convo with her or just keep DB? I have read DR and have been pretty good but made a couple of mistakes.

If you want to save your M, then just back off...way off. Do not initiate conversations. This is pursuit. Do not ask about D.

If you are done and only you know if you are done, then don’t wait for her to file. You keep asking why she doesn’t? My w took 6 months to file and then didn’t follow through. I have no idea why she won’t file but stop asking. Maybe she is just lazy. Maybe she is undecided. Maybe she doesn’t know how.

I have completly backed off, I do not intiate any R talks whatsever except for a couple of mess ups but at this point no none at all. When we are out as a family she acts as if nothing is wrong. In front of the kids acts like nothing is wrong.

BTW I may have posted this before but I really wish at this point there is OM bc that would explain so many things.

I am going away for 4 days starting tomorrow and really looking forward to it. Hitting the gym later tonight and then off early in the AM.