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GW,

I get exactly where your coming from. You could for 2-3 weeks being cool, then you catch W talking to OM like she has been doing. But for some reason you want to toss the phone that day. Especially on a day where family should be the priority. Don't feel bad about venting to us. This is the place for it. And the fact that you did so shows that you are in control of the sitch.

My logic is the same as yours. W complained abiut the same things as yours, but yet she wants to abandon our MR and family to chase OM who she is carrying on an R with by phone conversations and text. Plus this guy has no intent on leaving his MR. The whole thing just left me baffled. And for awhile it made me feel like something was truly wrong with me to lose my W to this guy.

Overtime I realized that maybe was broken way before I married her. But on occasion I still wonder how this relationship has lasted since December via phone? But it's all a fantasy.

Joe Joe, this jackass is single, he has nothing to lose.

I swear, some days she is like living with a teen ager, liking everything he posts on facebook, even if she doesnt understand it, all the time texting, and the precious little calls each night between 5 and 7. I have a 14 year old daughter that had her first boyfriend and didnt act this immature. Some one needs to develop a technique that ends this mess super fast. I see people who are enering a year of living in this hell. Right now i cant picture it. Unless you develop the serious IDGAF attitude and just move on .

DAMN, moment of clarity, as they say in AA. Correct me if im wrong, or split my wig with a 2x4..........it finally sinks in.... i get it. I get it all now. The detachment, the NC, all of it. Shes dead to me , basically. I just forge on. if she comes back to adult hood, im here for her, if she stays in high school, i press on... The hard part is still on the horizon. Her birthday is next week,as is his. im sure he will send her a gift. And holiday time is around the corner. Still got that to deal with. Take it as it comes i guess. I still get pissed when i see her wear a small stone bracelet he got her, or smell that nasty ass perfume he got her. Secretly want to toss it out when shes at work. If it ever gets to the point of Recon, those will be the first things on the list to go........

Haha, comic thought, we live deep in the woods. Pour out the perfume, go to walmart and get doe urine. replace it. When she leaves for work she gets all the male attention she wants. Bucks come from miles around to follow her...... lol

HE,

Yeah you definitely sound like me. And you are 100% correct about yiur W acting like a teenage girl. My W does the same thing. Which is why the fog is crazy. Teenagers Don't listen to logic or those who tell them they are wrong. Which is why the more you pull the more she will resist. Friends of ours who speak to my W about the A recognize that maybe comes off like a teen.

Have you considered getting yoir W to move out? It might be better for you. Also I can tell that my detachment from my W is starting to set in. Now realizing that women are showing interest in me wherever I go. Of course I have resisted, but the temptation is getting stronger. And if I somehow find myself in a new R. Then that will likely be a wrap for my W. Her coming back to adult might be too little too late.

tread, we had a long talk one night not too long ago about leaving. I told her if she didnt want to be with me to leave. she refused, even when i told her id buy the plane ticket and take her to the airport. She will not leave the kids. On top of that, she cannot afford to live on her own on her pay. She is slowly realizing what all this entails. Its not just texts and calls. real life does intrude on fantasy land from time to time.
I wish she would see the truth about OM. The fact that she only has a window from 5p to 7p to call or facdetime, the fact that the retirement he told her he would have to begin thier wonderful life will be considerably less than he told her because it has to be split with three ex wives, simple things. Like the kids have never met him but hate him anyway and said they will never move to georgia to live with him no matter what...

She has nio idea what a D will look like for her. I do . Due to my occupation, I know a lot of attorneys. I met with one last week and the outlook for her is grim. Kentucky is now a 50/50 state, which kills child support, something she was probably banking on to supplement her income. Basically, i have them two week a month and she does. Due to the split, the children are supported by the parent they are with at the time. I believe the number she threw out last month was $700 a month. On top of that, no alimony will be paid, so she has to figure out how to live on $400 a month, which she wasnt figuring when she plotted this mess. OM was coaching her due to his multiple divorces. He didnt figure Ky law.....I have no plan to file right now, but i wanted to see where we both stood in this. She cannot afford an attorney, and under Ky law i dont have to finance one for her.
So, should she decide that is the route she wants to take, ill make sure it is an informed choice. No blindsides like she did me. I will be upfront and honest about all of it.

Today, however, we went to the grocery sotr, just her and I . As bad as i hate to admiot it, we had a really good time together. we talked, laughed, and joked the whole time. She started talking about the past, and all sorts of family stuff. We have been getting along really well. She is still having a great deal of trouble sleeping, and has severe neck muscle spasms. Guilt, i assume. Not that it matters. I am patiently waiting for the day it all unravels for her. It will. Sweet nothings over the phone cant last forever. JUst do me and keep on keeping on. Kids are excited to go on day trips all this week to local museums and the Zoo. Hopefully the rain holds off and we can hit it all.
I wrote her a long letter early this morning, just to say everything ive wanted to say. I saved it to a zip drive. I mainly wrote it for me. As i wrote, i could almost feel a burden being lifted. I dont know if ill ever give it to her or not, but it was sure theraputic to do.

The technique has been developed, but the LBH's won't follow through.

sandi, I have a question. Smack me if you need to. Part of our issues wer emotional neglect for lack of a better word and communication difficulties. I wrote that we went to the store together. We had a great time and talked fo alomost the entire time about silly things. teasing each other, laughing about things the kids like, it was really enjoyable for both of us. This week i am off and will be present in the house and around her all the time. Should i keep having these conversations? She really seems to enjoy talking to me at the moment.

She has not been able to call OM or facetime him today, and will not be able to for at least three more days. Should I capitalize on that or leave it be. It almost felt like we were reconnecting on our trip today.

Well.........without getting graphic, I'll just say that it's enough to keep the A going. It may not be skin on skin, but with the heighten sexual tension and a little imagination, it's really not that difficult. Some WW's feel it's better than what they had been getting from the H......which was nothing.

I want you to listen carefully, b/c I don't intend to go over this again. Your brain is blocked and you can't think outside of the box. To you it's all about skin on skin in order to have needs met. You need to read about the different love languages, and you'll learn everyone doesn't speak love the same way.

In other words, some women feel adored, love, valued, etc., through vocabulary. The OM can talk about how sexy she is, how she makes him feel, etc. He romances her, flirts with her, plays with her, etc., by TALKING TO HER. He says words she likes to hear. He makes her feel special. They turn her on and boost her self confidence. Therefore, she has EMOTIONAL needs met through their verbal communication. And, if it leads to phone sex, or she finds herself alone in bed......all she needs is her fantasy (and maybe a vibrator) to feel she's getting what she wants for right then..... get the picture? She's in a fantasy and she doesn't think rationally, so she's probably feeling this is temporary until they can be together.......but for now, she's caught up in this dream.

You can deny it's a real A, but truth is that this other man is doing more for your W (emotionally)than you have done for some time. The OM is making emotional love to your wife! That seems to be something many LBH's don't understand about women. You guys may do fine with just physical sex and affection......but most women need the emotional intimacy to feel satisfied or complete. Why? Maybe b/c of how we are designed, IDK. We are emotional creations, and we crave emotional intimacy, just as much as you crave the physical intimacy. A very good relationship has both the physical and emotional intimacy.

At some point, one of them will push for more......and if that falls through, then the A may start to fizzle out. But here's the danger about emotional affairs......she gets a thrill from it. It's like getting high, and it is addictive. If this OM is cast aside, she will more than likely still want that fix (and basically, contacting the affair partner is getting her drug fix). So, she will either go through withdrawals or she'll find OM#2 that will give her those good feelings (emotional high).

When I first came to the board, I did not know about this information on how affairs affect the brain chemicals. I did a little reading about it (and was impressed by a certain book I cannot mention), and together with lots of mentoring.....it helped me to make the decision to do the right thing. Then, I discovered what I had read about the withdrawals were true. It was tough!

So anyway, I want you to see that her affair is feeding some emotional need. Even if she blames you for not showing enough physical affection......she has reached out to another man to fill her emptiness she feels emotionally. This OM is courting her.

Before I was M, my H was in the military, and we wrote letters every day. Come to find out, he was better at romancing me through letters than face to face. It was enough to keep me committed to him for two years, while he was in the service. So, you see......your W's OM is basically doing the same thing, except it is morally wrong b/c she's a M woman.

Your WW is getting something from both men. What the OM can't provide.....you give to her. What you aren't providing, she gets from him. This arrangement could go on for a long time.

Sandi,

Now my question for you is what is it that the H can give the WW? Because that is where cake eating becomes an issue. And why would WW come back to the H if all her needs are being met by different men?

I'm not exactly sure what you mean, Tread.