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Sounds like progress to me. Glad you calmed down before texting back. The written words of anger seem to really last, even when they are blurted out in a moment, they remain long after.

It's great that you thought it out.

There is an advantage for the LBSer in the self improvement category. The WAS is too busy "being SO happy, finally!" They tend not to reflect as much, nor do they tend to grow much.

As Cadet says, You've gotten the gift of time, use it wisely.

Well done!

So it's been two weeks since h left on his vacation. And the time has flown. I have been taking so many classes and going out. I'm having a ball. I even got asked if a mutual friend of h and mine could set me up with one of his friends. I said no. I thought weird at first. Because he knows I was to reconcile with h. My friend thinks he was baiting me and temp feeling for h. I don't think h would do that. But he has been way nicer. I don't know if it's because I told him that I'm sick of this and that I don't want a divorce but if h really and truly does then let's take the next logical step and get this over with. Or if it's because I told h that I felt he didn't treat me like a friend and we needed to be at least polite to each other for the kids. Anyways. He has been very nice and polite and for that I am appreciative. Yesterday we were texting and he said something about work and I immediately said well I know you think I am letting things fall apart but I'm not. And he said I didn't say that. And I sat back and said you are right. You didn't say that. I was just reading into things. I'm sorry. And then we continued to talk for a bit. So I have no idea where things will take us when he gets back. But if it takes us to the lawyers to end this then I'm really ready for that. Sad. Very very sad. But I can't force him to be where he doesn't want to be.

So this morning I think I got temp checked by H. I woke up to some texts about money issues. Then when I said ok I understand your frustration. Let's talk when you get back so we can come to an agreement that is beneficial to both parties. He realiszed he wasn't going to get me into an argument that way he turned it to how I treated him etc in the past. And I did nothing but validate and listen. I have told him that I am saddened by the events of this past year. But I respect his decision for full separation. I believe I handled the whole thing with poise and grace. But my question is. How do I deal with this bitterness in him? He still blames me for a lot that happened. And it is beginning to drive me crazy. I have owned my stuff that happened. And I have apologized. I even told him if there is anything besides apologizing that I can do to help him thru his forgiveness I can certainly try. But ultimately it ends with his decision and actions. He said that he is ready for the ultimate crash of everything. Meaning the division of assets and whatnot. So I said. What is it you would like me to do H? What do you want from me? His only reply was you never listened to me before why would I be stupid enough to listen now? I told him that yes I let my stubbornness and ego run my life. I realize that now. If I could turn back time and do things different I would. But I can't. I can only continue on from this point. And I'm ready to listen to what he has to say. But he never specified. So he never comes to me with concrete answers. So is this not temp checking?

you develop a few mantras and you stay on message.

When he brings up a hurtful event that you believe you are at least partly responsible for,

you apologize without minimizing or explaining away a defense for why you did it.

And then you add in, "If I could do it all over again, I'd do a lot of things differently"...

If he blames you for something you remember very differently OR not at all,

you say "H, wow that's not how I recall it happening but I'm sorry it hurt you."

Don't worry about the scorekeeping or thinking about when HE is going to take ownership of HIS flaws and his part, etc.

Now is not the time for this^^. You have the rest of your lives to assign blame (not saying you want to, but if)...

Regardless then you get back onto the topic at hand.

And if he presses you about any legal/financial issues, you tell him that you "need time to process" this and will get back to him. (And You are merely taking things slowly as you "don't want to be too reactive", etc).

With these^^ behaviors and NOT escalating, you are showing change far more than any words could ever,

and you'll never regret staying calm & dignified.

((( )))


PS

I doubt this m is going to just end. Things may well turn round, so protect yourself --legally & financially AND without a scorched earth policy.

Make sense?

Yes it does make sense. And I tried hard to remember the rules. But I totally forgot the one where I can say that I remember things differently but I'm sorry it hurt you. Yes I kept calm and cool. I spoke from the heart. The only thing I wonder is that you said the m may well turn around so protect myself. If it does around wouldn't I not need to worry about protecting myself? Or do you mean turn around that it will end and I need to protect myself? I'm ready for both. Either of us have yet to see lawyers.

I have been taking so many classes and going out. I'm having a ball. I am glad to read this! I know it is easy for me to sit here and say this--when I have the H that returned to the M--but for me, the most valuable thing that I have gained in my sitch, is that I am perfectly okay without him. I can still enjoy life and all it has to offer with or without this man. Let this be a lesson for us all as we work hard to 180 and GAL for ourselves. Cheers to that (I am raising my glass)!

I hear your frustration and it makes sense. How much longer can you apologize and take the blame? That, only you can answer, but I still think it is early in your sitch. Your H seems to be sitting on the fence and may be for some time. I mean, if he didn't care for you or wasn't second-guessing himself, then why would he keep bringing things up? You cannot prevent him from leaving and you cannot force him to see things your way, even if he is delusional and one-sided in his views. But you can control your response to him.

What you can do, is what 25 says, and that is to acknowledge what he is saying and validate his feelings. Remember, it is not the admission of guilt, but it is you letting him know that you hear him and that you care for him. Please really take this in.

My H naturally does the validation piece. There have been times in the last few years that I have been so worked up and aiming fire left and right. He just listens, nods, doesn't disagree, and then apologizes. It's like he is removing all my ammunition and there is nothing to fire--I can't even argue with him! And I hate to admit it, but it works, and it forces me to see his softer side. It also forces me to see that he has changed. When people don't take the bait, things diffuse naturally, or we just feel foolish being angry/upset. Luckily, we don't argue much anymore and I can safely just let him know how I feel now without blaming.

This might be a long process for your H. This is going to be a huge test of your patience, no doubt! And if you guys can get over this hump, it will not stay this way forever. If and when he is willing to recommit to the M, he will also have to look at his part too. Right now tho, you are waiting for that. You are the one that wants the M, so you are in the lower position :-( Trust me, that script will most likely flip one day.

I think that he is still wanting to place blame on you suggests that he is trying to justify his choices. I think whenever you validate him, you are making it that much harder for him. So hang in there and keep up the good work!

Blu

Thank you for the insight. No I don't blame anymore. I used to. But now I really try to see reason and be empathetic to his sitch that he is going thru. Patience is not my strong point. So sitting here and waiting for him to make the move is hard for me. So going out and GAL keeps me distracted and focused on myself instead of him. I will take what each of you said and apply it to my sitch. I just can't wrap my mind around why he is fence sitting. How hard can it be to either cut loose or try to put us back together. I guess since it's not my journey it's not for me to understand.

Well my last weekend home before everyone comes back into my life again. Saw my T last Friday to prepare myself for this. I miss the kids but am
Apprehensive about H coming back. It sounds like nothing has changed on his end. Not that that surprises me. But I would have thought he would have had time to think while he was gone and after spending so much time with the kids he would start to change his thinking and think maybe he was wrong in leaving. I just had to deal with a flooded basement while he was gone and it was totally overwhelming. Not once did he ask if everything was ok. Or if I got the mess cleaned up or if I was ok. Which just made the whole situation worse because it reminded me of the situation we are in and how he really does not care. He walked me thru the fixing of the hose that came unattached from our well pump. But that's it. Not once did he ask if everything was working and holding ok. And that makes me mad. Who does that??

So first day back to work with H in the office. I came in with some new jewelry on. A fresh maniucure (I have gotten one manicure since I've been with him) and I made sure my hair looked great and makeup. I rarely wear makeup. So I looked like a different person when I came into the office today. A confident person and I was nice and chatty with the customers. I didn't ask how his vacation went and I didn't offer up anything about what I did this summer. So of course since I'm not arguiing with him he's all in a good mood. So my question is. How do I not look at it like he is just able to have everything. Here I am being peaceful so he can walk around with no guilt about leaving? Obviously I'm still hanging onto some resentment. But it bothers me that he's ok while I struggle.

Ultimately you can't force him to feel anything. Plus, you don't know he's actually ok - it may just be the facade he puts up.