Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What to Do? 4

You did the right thing. Don't allow your W to dictate the relationship with the people who have become your family/friends. Just goes to show that they have some integrity. Unlike my own in-laws who are remaining quiet about the A my W is having. But you handled it well. Didn't yell at W, but you refused to allow yourself to be disrespected.

The fact that she brought up you haven't talked to her in 3 weeks shows that she is feeling a certain way about you. Which means that she still cares to a certain extent.

I get that way when I hang up or set boundaries with H. It's unsettling. I always thought that it would lead to more arguiing by setting the boundaries. And that got me on edge. I don't have any advice for you. Sorry I'm still new at all this. Although I am reaching the year mark for myself. I haven't mastered the art of dropping the rope. I hope you have lost the feeling by now and realize you did the right thing. For yourself. And that's what matters right now.

Just talked to W on the phone. She was def more calm and collected. She explained how she felt deisrepected again because our interactions have been minimal due to NC; but I was reaching out to her fam. I explained we had discussed if she felt uncomfortable I would stop; she expressed how she would never want that... So I was confused.

Basically W said it boils down to; if we talk or at least if I respond to her calls she doesn't mind me reading out to the family. So I told her I cannot promise I will respond to her reaching out to me bc I still wasn't sure how I felt about he at the moment (bc of the OM)r; so I rather just tell her now I will stop reaching out to her family.




After getting advise or thoughts on the above conversation; can you also ahead light on when I said "I'm not sure how I feel towards you"....

Why would I say that? Did that take steps back? Do I need to correct myself? The reason I said it; the reason it came out of my mouth was because she still is not coming to me saying she will stop all contact with OM....etc

Well she's putting down conditions for you to reach out to her fam. If your BIL is cool hanging out with you, just hang out with him. She doesn't get to dictate your relationships with other people. If BIL feels uncomfortable, then that's a different issue, but it doesn't sound like that. I would just caution to not spill your beans to BIL, but hang out as friends and that's that.

About "I'm not sure how I feel" convo, I would advise against that. Of course you know how you feel - you don't want to talk to her if she's messing around. This goes back to the original NC advice that you've said to her - "we have nothing to talk about as long as you're having an affair". Hold that line and only respond or initiate anything that has to do with business stuff - like house or finances etc.

I am not sure if you need to write to her to correct what you said, but if she texts, you can just say that you have no interest in talking while there is OM, and leave it at that. Done. done.

You tell W that just like she feels she can talk with OM. Then you have every right to talk with BIL. And as long as she continues with her A. Then your communication with her will be very limited. If W doesn't like it, then tough. No need for further discussion. Your W has some tough choices to make.

I would just caution you about asking for details about their sexual activities (did he do such & such). Once you have that graphic image in your head, it may be very difficult to make it go away. But of course, I am speaking from what I have read from LBS's who reported the experiences.

Thank you M and Tread.

Sandi; Do you agree with them? For some reason yesterday and today I am just extremely angry and frustrated with my whole sitch. I wish I would have made those comments which Maika and Tread mentioned above when I was on the phone with W. No I am just kicking myself; because I am afraid W thinks the ball is in my court right now from what I said; but I am also so mad at her; and want to call to tell her she does not get to dictate who I have contact with as adults. Whether or not my BIL wants to communicate with me is a different story; but until she stops communicating with the OM; she has no right to tell me how to live.

I need someone to talk me off the ledge here. So early this year my real good buddy got engaged who lives in a couple states away. Obviously me and my W were invited to the wedding. All of my friends and their wife's will be there. The wedding is this weekend.

Today W called me; but only rang once. I called her back; she said she butt dialed me. We said ok; bye. I texted her a second later to tell her she had a stack of mail still at my place; and she could come get it Thursday or Friday after work; knowing I would be out of town (and she knows this too). She said ok.

Just got a text from her : "have fun in Tennessee...I would have gone if I were offered".

I'm speechless...

Chris,

Why are you speechless? She wants to go and eat wedding cake. You have to stand your ground if you are not ok being in an open marriage.

Chris as a point of reference. I have a wedding to go to on 11/10 for some family friends. I have my D's that weekend and will be taking them. I have no idea if my W is going or was invited but since we are separated it is not my responsibility to invite her. If she goes she will go because she got an invite not because I will be asking her. We are not a family any more so it is not my responsibility. Make sense?