Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Still here. Still not detached... (Part 2)

Last night I attended an open house at the Shambala meditation center in Philly. While not a group specifically devoted to talking about divorce, I found that I gelled a lot more easily with the folks there.

It should be obvious to everyone here that I'm constantly struggling with negative thoughts. Not only about my marriage and myself, but relating to the world in general and the people in it. I'm quick to judge, quick to anger, and too attached.

The universally accepted solution to this problem is maintaining a mindfulness meditation practice. And although I've tried for the past 6 months to keep up with one, I'm not consistent. Even if it's only 5 or 10 minutes a day, I procrastinate and put it off until I'm too tired and the day is over.

So I'm hoping that regular visits to this center will change that. Not only is it easier to maintain a meditation practice when it's more of an event with other people. But the center has other community-related activities that promote introspection and well-being.

The rub is that the Divorce Care sessions and the weekly meditation and dharma talks are on the same night. I'm leaning towards ditching the Divorce Care in favor of this new group. I can hook up with a different Divorce Care group on a different night if I need to.

What do you all think?

Chris,

I think you should go with what you feel is working for you. If the D-Care don't make you feel better that the other group, than I think you should go with that one. Only you can decide what makes you feel best.

I agree, do what works for you. Everyone is different and there is not 1 approach! That is awesome that you attended!

Welcome to one of the toughest Monday mornings I've faced in a long time.

Sat down with the kids yesterday to tell them about the new schedule and that ultimately "mommy is going to get a new house." D5 was excited that she would have 2 houses, "YAY!" S8 didn't really say much at all, just wanted to get back to watching the iPad. The boy is very much like me and holds a lot in. I'm sure it's a combination of being embarrassed to show his true feelings and not wanting to say/do anything to make waves or upset anyone. We tried to prod him just a little for a reaction without being too insistent, but he just kept saying, "No, it's ok. I get it." The "I get it" response kills me because there's a lot that lies behind those words. He's a pretty mature kid for his age, and I think he really DOES get it.

I left soon after and spent most of the car ride feeling numb. There's a conflict here that I'm having trouble dealing with. OF COURSE I want my kids to be happy. But at the same time, when D5's reaction to getting a 2nd house was "YAY!" I wanted to vomit. It feels like I'm the only one on the planet who thinks this is a bad idea, but I have to go along with it anyway. Then again, do I really want my kids to be upset about this? That's an ego position. If the kids are unhappy because my W is moving out I can take the "told you so" stance... but what good does that do? The kids are unhappy and my W feels guilty. It's like purposely trying to lose a game that you didn't want to play in the first place.

I slept for 9 hours last night (this about 3 more than normal) and all I wanted to do when I woke up was call out sick and spend this dreary rainy day in bed watching dumb tv while drifting in and out of sleep. And I was really close to doing that, but I forced myself to go in. I have IC at 3pm, a meditation group at 6 and then I'll probably go to the gym after that...

I can see why you would feel that way. I went through the same thing when we told D6 that XW was going to move out. She didn't say much, and when we asked her if she understood and what she thought of that, she said it was "great."

The truth is she didn't really understand what it meant. She understood that mommy would be at mamaw's house, which was something that made her happy, but not that our family was ending. It took a couple of months for her to really understand what the heck was going on. It was a month or two before she cried about it. She still does sometimes, even though it's been eight months since her mother left.

My advice is to let your daughter BE the five year old that she is and process it the way she needs to. "YAY" will probably give way to tears at some point, let her deal with it and talk about it on her schedule.


I write things on my bathroom mirror in dry erase marker. I've changed what's on there several times over the last half year, and one of the things that's on there right now (and I plan to leave there until I don't want things on the mirror anymore) is "moral victories are not victories."

I know you're already on the right track here, but always remember that a real victory is your children being happy and adjusting to the crap sandwich they've been handed. "Being right" might let you say "I told you so" but you haven't gained anything by that.

There's a conflict here that I'm having trouble dealing with. OF COURSE I want my kids to be happy. But at the same time, when D5's reaction to getting a 2nd house was "YAY!" I wanted to vomit. It feels like I'm the only one on the planet who thinks this is a bad idea, but I have to go along with it

Chris,
Your actions will help your kids be happy not a house! My kids are older than yours so they are processing this a little differently, my kids just want my STBXW and I to be happy at this stage, either together or apart. And you are not the only one who thinks this is a bad idea! I learned from a friend that talked to my STBXW that the situation has been draining on her and she is now "NOW" worried about the kids. When we told them 3+ months ago she thought they handled the news great which made her feel better. I think your wife may feel the kids are fine from their reaction but this will change. Make sure you are there for them!

Thanks Guys. I know it's definitely a moral conflict.

When I take myself out of the equation, all that's left are two kids who love their mom. She will have them 60% of the time, so logically I want to give her as much $ as she needs to get set up in a nice place. Any malice that would influence me to cut her off and not help her get set up in her new place has to be squshed because my kids will be living there too. I'm not going to go with her to look at houses or help her pick out furniture, but I also can't start some sort of "my house is better than yours" battle so that the kids want to spend more time with me (as much as I would like to).

But I can't help feeling like I'm twisting in the wind. Of course everyone wants the kids to be happy and minimally affected by this change. But I've lost so much and I'm still really angry about it. Maybe my W is just a good actress but she seems to be so happy about all of this. Her life when she's not with the kids is bursting at the seams with appointments and events and plans. It's as if dumping me is the best thing that's ever happened to her. Like I was the source of all her problems and now that I don't need to be accounted for anymore, the future looks bright for her.

I know. Wah. Wah. Wah.

Monday morning pitty party strikes again!!

Chris, Great job with how you feel with the housing and putting your kids first! Since BD I wanted nothing more than for my W to fail miserably! At the end of the day I loved this woman for 25 years, she is a good person and mom to my kids(somewhere in there. lol), so I want my kids provided for!

As far as how your wife feels, she may seem to be so happy with her life but you can't worry about what she's doing, everything she does now is to justify her decision for your current situation. I too felt this way until a close friend of ours told me that she is just holding it together for the kids, that she was actually ashamed for what she has done to our family. With that, focus on you and the kids, they need you and you need you!

Chris,

Please don't beat yourself up further over feeling down! You deserve a pity party--this is your life, this is extremely hard, and these are your feelings! As long as your actions are those that you can feel good about, you can still honor and express your feelings. It's what you do with the feelings that matters. Seeing an IC, meditation and exercise are great ways to work through those feelings--the best ways IMO--so you are better off than you realize. I think years down the line, you will see that.

The reaction of your kid being excited, isn't surprising. My parents D'd when I was 5 and I recall liking certain things--more presents on holidays, more candy at my dad's house, etc--but they were little things, and overall it was very hard and unsettling. I think my parents could have handled it much better. You appear to be handling it better than my parents ever did.

It must be so hard to see your W happy. My guess is that she has hardships too, but she will never show you that. When my H left he tried very hard to show me that he had no doubts about it ... well later I learned that he was full of doubt and really struggling, but he wanted to hide it from me. It makes sense because sometimes he looked terrible, thin, and sleep deprived. You just never know. She also still may be in the honeymoon phase with OM or basking in "relief" of moving out. No doubt this is hard--or will be hard over time--for her too.

Keep up the good work. I know it's devastating. Keep taking one day at at time. I am really sorry.

Blu

Chris,

you are doing a lot of assuming here. Don't. Do not believe anything you hear and only half of what you see. Do not believe she is happy, she only thinks she is happy. And she is acting happy. And would you not like the fact that your kids would be living with a happy person rather than a miserable depressed one?

I know what you are saying, I know how you are feeling. I've been there, we've all been there.

Stop with overthinking. Now is the time to be still, to heal and to concentrate on yourself and the kids.