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What, are you kidding? That was a brilliant post, seriously! It shows the tremendous progress you've made and is exactly the kind of 180 that all LBS's should be striving for. Great synopsis of what validating is and what the results of it are. Nicely said and done

Thanks. that means a lot. I know the main issue is consistency and keeping with it. When I started posting here I had a lot of doubt if what I was doing was working and in certain cases where the advice on here was to do something differently I trusted my gut. The last few weeks have confirmed my gut feeling...but of course [unhealthy thought alert!]

This is why while I am happy that my W may have a job opportunity I am also a little sad as more time together would continue to bring us closer. We have some plans in September (Halloween horror nights during my birthday weekend, her GRE on the 30th) and had even discussed plans for actual Halloween to maybe go to New Orleans or Denver. I suppose if she has that job we could still do some of those but it would be in a long distance relationship that is still very fragile.

I know that W validates my changes and does seem to talk me as if there is a future but that is NOW and with actual space between us that may be easy to become a wider divide. I suppose if we are meant to be together it will happen but it is risky nonetheless.

At the same time I am only saying that on here and I am mostly not sharing those thoughts with W who quite frankly deserves to enjoy that she has been asked for an interview and even said herself that just the invite was awesome.

Yeah the timing sure isn't the best. But I think your approach of just letting her enjoy the moment is the best to take. I promise you she is giving a lot of thought to how it is going to affect you two, so just let her sort that through on her own and if she decides to open up to you about it then (you know the routine) listen and validate.

I was worried about where W was going to live after our D, not so much because I wouldn't see her but because it might infringe on me seeing the kids as much. But she ended up buying a house just 5 minutes from me so (like so many of the things I used to worry about) it never came to pass.

After BD I came to a realization- when I looked back at my life, all of the things that I fretted and worried about never actually happened. The troubling things that did happen to me I NEVER SAW COMING. It's just the nature of life. Now I have a more carefree attitude, I deal with things as they come up instead of wasting a lot of effort worrying!

It doesn't hurt that I have already expressed that I really want to live in that area as well (and I do). It's just that I would have been fine delaying that 1-3 years with the ability for us both to maximize the jobs we have now and to slowly finish getting the house ready to be sold.

In her defense while she hasn't said we are back together she hasn't excluded me into these future plans. On a trivial note when we come home yesterday before our MC she 'asked' the cats if they wanted to go live in PNW. Now this is not something to over analyze but she has told me I should keep both cats in case we split up since they love each other and I am good to them. Again, I am not making it bigger than it is but I do think it was her subtle way of letting me know: 'look Tobias, I know you are worried but at this point I think we are heading in the right direction'.

The other reason I decided immediately to JUST be supportive was that about a year or so ago she had the opportunity for a temporary position which would cut her salary in half and would require her to move to DC for a few months and HER hope was it would open up jobs for her down the road. I only saw risks and to some degree I didn't see how this was an improvement. Unlike this job where the salary is good, her skill set fits and it fits with a longer term goal. Of course my mistake was that I basically took that moment from her and gave her reasons why she shouldn't do it.

I do think if she gets the offer she should take it. In many ways it makes it easier for us to have her take advantage of it. But perhaps the better choice would be for her to stay. But I don't want this to be something she regrets and then builds resentment for. We just have to wait now...nothing is decided as of this moment.

Major breakthrough yesterday. It was our wedding anniversary yesterday but we went for drinks with some friends. W seemed to have a good time but on the ride home seemed anxious and upset. I was like I am not getting your bad mood affect mine so I tried making a joke. It didn't help so I stayed quiet.

We got home. W wanted to lay down and take a nap and I asked if she needed anything. She said no. So I said okay I will see you later and she replied anxiously okay. I said unless you want me to stay? She said yes. She was shaking. I got in the bed with her and she started apologizing for having sex with someone else. That she had felt so guilty about it but was ashamed. And that she had felt so lonely. I told her I appreciated her saying it and thanked her for that and how that is what I needed to hear. That for me it's in the past.

So now I feel we have closure on that part and we CAN focus on future. W. said she is so glad I can help her and calm her down when she is anxious. She said she had been drinking and that made her more anxious. I was a little worried the alcohol might have influenced what she said but after IC today I don't think that.

She asked me if I still love her. I said of course. I didn't ask her to say it back. I resisted the urge to propose to her to recommit but that would have been a mistake and way too soon. Instead I said what I used to tell her for years and early on during the marriage: one day I will marry you. She laughed and then was sad.

So during her IC W discussed this (W told me that) and how they had been working towards this for the past few weeks.

We are not fixed by any means but I feel we have made a HUGE step forward. And I am glad my gut feeling to stick with my approach has proved to be appropriate.

Now I can slow down again and take it day by day rather than try to maximize our time every day. She still has several things to work on but for me this apology and her consistent appreciating what I do has removed any resentment I feel for her.

I realize this is really fast and I am not expecting that we are done. But this feels really really good. It actually empowers me to do more GAL as I have been in rescuer mode for a decade. IC told me that she can kind of see how I was asked to take on this role. Now I can go back to what is a more natural personality for me: the encourager, the motivator, the cheerleader. I cannot do it for her. She is slowly recognizing that as well.

Hopefully my next update isn't a huge set back but I know this is still a marathon.

The apology and conversation about it with IC has been so powerful. I am still not 100% in control of my impulses but I am so much more relaxed and that has allowed me to further just go with the flow rather than try to get another opportunity to do something fun with W. I was completely fine with not doing anything formal for our anniversary. Instead we spend some quiet time together, did some chores, and hung out with a friend who bought us brunch for our anniversary and W joked how he spent more money on us for the anniversary than either one of us did. We went to the mall and I decided to just enjoy spending time with W rather than what I always did: get overly excited for clothes that I want to get my Ws opinion on while she wants to shop for herself.

The importance of self forgiveness is also now clear to me. This morning I was doing my walk and saw a colleague who is aware of the marital problems that we have (because I talked to her) she was walking with a current colleague of W (not same office but connected office) and the friend is moving to another job and made a surprise visit back to campus. I told her I saw the new home on facebook and it looks lovely and then I blurted out that W has a phone interview. I should have kept that to myself and maybe just texted but I was just excited to share that things had improved. My friend actually then asked if things have improved and I said yes. She said awesome I told you if you would fight that things could improve.

I was worried that if this colleague talks to W that this will lead to anger on her part but I am not sure if the colleague heard what we said and really how mad can W be that I am excited for her having this opportunity. W has actually shared the interview with at least one other colleague in her office. It's just not smart on my part that someone who is connected to W might have heard this when this person has no idea that there are even problems. (It goes back to how I need to think before I speak...but all in all I think I am making it a bigger deal than it needs to be.)

So now I am sitting in my office trying to forgive myself so I can focus on being more productive.

All fine and dandy but as long as she and OM are still together, and they are, it's all for naught.

What makes you think they are together?

Is it verified she's completely NC with him? If not then they're still together be it physically or emotionally. Unfortunately affair fog is impervious to divorce busting techniques.