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I called my sister at lunch today to tell her about my Ws inappropriate contact with my BIL. Surprisingly, my sister did not seem shocked.

My sister said she knew that my BIL was in contact with my wife. She told me that he loves her like a little sister. I told my sister this is BS.

My sister said she will talk to her husband. I have a feeling this is not going to change anything. I do think my W will want to talk to me tonight, though...

People have strong reasons to live in denial, no one particularly likes change, especially when it comes to their marriage and home life. You suspected that she knew anyway, and it appears that she does and chooses to believe it's no big deal. Don't push the issue with her, it will just make her resent you.

It's a big deal. Your sister hasn't allowed it to set in yet. As her brother you need to let your sister know exactly what you do. Giving her bits and pieces will allow BIL to lie his a** off. She also needs to know that yiur W threatened to end the MR if your told her. That will her know how serious things were to the two of them.

I will not provide details to my sister on the written proof I have found. I stressed to her that I know without a doubt that her husband is more than a brother to my W. She will have to trust me.

I will let everyone know what happens after my wife finds out I talked to my sister...it might be over a day before my sister talks to my BIL.

Wanted to share a statement from my W to paint a picture of her mindset: I got up early Saturday morning at 6 am to exercise as Ive done our entire marriage. She has been sleeping on the couch the last 3 weeks. I was quiet, but she woke up.

During our talk the other night, she asked me to sleep on the couch on Fridays so she could sleep in bed and I would not wake her. I nicely pointed out that she can sleep in bed anytime she wants. Her response was "why would I want to be with someone who wont sleep on the couch so I can get more sleep since I am only getting 4 hours of sleep per night."

(She was referring to her working on her phd and work...and yes, she often gets 4 hours of sleep.)

I am having a difficult time deciding when to be scarce around my W and when to validate.

Example is this morning, W meanly said "You should skip stopping at the store to pick up project supplies because the kids need you home while I sm at class."

I simply said, "ok, Ill see."

Should I have said something more like, "I see where you are coming from. I might be able to hit the store at lunch."?

How old are your kids? Do they Actually need you?

Maybe better is "that's a good thought. Let me talk it over with the kids and see what will work best."

Or something like that.

Kids are 10, 9, 7. Thats just an example...I have seen people advise both types of response.

It seems detaching dictates the "whatever" style response, but the response for mending the relationship once both parties are on board is the validation type response.

Is there a recommended time for detaching vs mending type interactions? Its been a year since I read tge Divorce Busting book...

...I have been using primarily mending type interactions over the last year...maybe not enough, or maybe its time to do the opposite?