I thought I had sent a couple of recent posts, however, I suppose they are floating around in cyber space. Just don't want you to think I have forsaken you.
Although there is a link with very detailed information about detachment, I like this shorter version, as a starter. Read it and see yourself as you picture how to go forward. Instead of bouncing off and reacting to emotion.....you have a blueprint of how to conduct yourself throughout this ordeal.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So, i thought long last night about a GAL plan. Before the A, I really didnt have one, because of my work schedule. I work nights, and slept all day, even my days off. I spent the nights either fooling around outside, or watching TV. So, for my GAL, Get in shape Fish more Spend time with old friends Go see a live band - I used to love this Ride my bike more- Mountain bike Focus on spending time with the kids doing quality activities, maybe some over night trips to places we always wanted to go around our area Work on me, work on me, work on me.
I could use some help in the detachment process - how to begin?
Not that it matters, but W asked me a question a while back - If i were the one in an A after issues in the M, could i just leave it and workk on us as easily as i say i would. The answer from me was a resounding yes. She also said that at times she views my changes and my feelings for her as genuine, other times it seems put on. I have to reinforce the genuine, thru my actions. Detachment and self improvement. Show her i am definatley the better choice. Any input or criticism is greatly appreciated at this stage. Im trying to regain level flight and climb, not spiral and crash and burn, as i was. thank you all for being here and listening to my crazy ass. Especially thankful to 25 for the ass whooping!!!! reality check that was well earned, i must say.
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
Sorry Sandi, I will. Im starting over fresh. I have a question - As long as we are not discussing the A, we get along great just like before all this happened. Is that cake eating on her part? Sorry if its a stupid question, but im trying to learn fresh and figure out the landscape.
I know its not detaching in the slightest, but we went out as a family to the grocery, like we always did, and had a really good time, laughing, joking, picking at one another. Just curious if it is because there is no mention of the A? And I know, detachment must begin immediatly. The kids wanted to all go together so we did.
Also, 25 mentioned that this A was relatively new given the standards, 6 months aas one and 18 as another. Will i be able to notice if it fizzles out as mentioned?
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
As long as you keep you mouth shut abiut the A your W will continue and not complain. Of course your sitch won't get better, because she will continue to not respect you. Just don't bring up the relationship. But I assuming the A is your boundary. So at some point you will have to do something about that.
And yes your W is cake eating. Benefits of being around her family keeping that image up, while having OM to supply her needs. At this point your a roommate who happens to be the father of her children. I Know that is hard to hear, but trust me I can relate. You detach by staying away from her as best as possible. Going to the store together is good on occasion. But don't make it a habit.
Your W needs to experience some loss. And that loss could be the happiness of your children seeing you all do things together as a family as a start. Sounds harsh, but that is the reality of what your W needs to start facing.
As long as you keep you mouth shut abiut the A your W will continue and not complain. Of course your sitch won't get better, because she will continue to not respect you. Just don't bring up the relationship. But I assuming the A is your boundary. So at some point you will have to do something about that.
And yes your W is cake eating. Benefits of being around her family keeping that image up, while having OM to supply her needs. At this point your a roommate who happens to be the father of her children. I Know that is hard to hear, but trust me I can relate. You detach by staying away from her as best as possible. Going to the store together is good on occasion. But don't make it a habit.
Your W needs to experience some loss. And that loss could be the happiness of your children seeing you all do things together as a family as a start. Sounds harsh, It is harsh.
i think the loss can be the risk of losing you
You need to act AS IF LOSING YOU IS A REAL POSSIBILITY
Might it be better if GW really GAL and becomes attached & involved with it, not his w.
Let the loss be by seeing you, GW making it clear that he is considering dating and there seem to be a plethora of candidates. Create Some Mystery!
but that is the reality of what your W needs to start facing.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She already wants to know who im texting when she sees me doing it. In reality its other officers from work, asking questions oor wanting to meet up to fish. But every time my phone dings she looks over at me.
Shes also started doing some things different. After I discovered the A, she began closing the bedroom door consistently when dressing for work. Today she left it wide open, and to my surprise left her phone in the kitchen unattended. Means nothing inthe grand scheme of things , but it is out of pattern for her. She is acting more and more every day like it was 7 months ago and none of this happened. She asked me to touch her face to see if it was hot. Wouldnt have happened a week ago.
About two weeks ago we had a short talk about the M. Long story short, i told her we needed to try ( This was before coming here, was still in reasoning and logic mode) to fix this for us and the kids. I told her i wanted the kids to see how adults handle problems in thier M correctly, not by running away or acting like we were, but by identifying issues and communicating with each other. I told her we needed to be role models and set a good example for them. Also told her i didnt need her in my life, anyone could fill the role and meet my needs. I wanted her in my life, wanted to spend my life with her.
Since then she has had a lot of trouble sleeping at night, been physically ill, and has had problems with stress and neck muscle pain.
Today GAL begins. I am joining a Law Enforcement volleyball league, and im also very interested in abowling league i saw flyers for in town yesterday. Wednesday im getting the mountain bike out and going for a long ride. Ill continue that until snow fall. Not much, but its a start.
As far as detachment, I am going to start making sure i dont get home in the mornings unitl shes left, and Im going to leave for work before she gets home. Days off will be spent doing the activities listed above, and what ever else i can find to get into. I unfollowed her on social media so im not constantly looking to see what she posts.
Before i get started, does this look ok? is there something i have planned that will not be Detachment/GAL? Just want to make sure i do this right. Thanks everyone for your time and support!
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
Those are great GALs. You have a really good plan. Don't fall for her trap. Until she says she want to work on the marriage and show remorse keep DBing.
Keep up the good work.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
She already wants to know who im texting when she sees me doing it. In reality its other officers from work, asking questions oor wanting to meet up to fish. But every time my phone dings she looks over at me.
Good, make her wonder, create some mystery. If she asks don't tell her, make her think it's a bunch of hot women!
Quote:
Shes also started doing some things different. After I discovered the A, she began closing the bedroom door consistently when dressing for work. Today she left it wide open, and to my surprise left her phone in the kitchen unattended. Means nothing inthe grand scheme of things , but it is out of pattern for her. She is acting more and more every day like it was 7 months ago and none of this happened. She asked me to touch her face to see if it was hot. Wouldnt have happened a week ago.
This is great and all but unless she want's to work on your MR who gives a $hit. Don't take the bait or get sucked in emotionally. If she is leaving the door open when she gets dressed I would purposely stay away to not give the impression your trying to get a peak! Act as if you don't give a $hit.
Quote:
About two weeks ago we had a short talk about the M. Long story short, i told her we needed to try ( This was before coming here, was still in reasoning and logic mode) to fix this for us and the kids. I told her i wanted the kids to see how adults handle problems in thier M correctly, not by running away or acting like we were, but by identifying issues and communicating with each other. I told her we needed to be role models and set a good example for them. Also told her i didnt need her in my life, anyone could fill the role and meet my needs. I wanted her in my life, wanted to spend my life with her.
OK...so now she knows or has had it re-enforced again. I would stop having these conversations. I have not spoke to my W about our MR or R in over 2 months. She left me, wants to party and hang with other guys. $crew that she doesn't deserve to know how much I love her etc. That makes us look pathetic.
Quote:
Since then she has had a lot of trouble sleeping at night, been physically ill, and has had problems with stress and neck muscle pain.
I am sorry for her pain but I am sure you have had many sleepless nights as well. I know I have!
Quote:
Today GAL begins. I am joining a Law Enforcement volleyball league, and im also very interested in abowling league i saw flyers for in town yesterday. Wednesday im getting the mountain bike out and going for a long ride. Ill continue that until snow fall. Not much, but its a start.
AWESOME! Keep it up!!
Quote:
As far as detachment, I am going to start making sure i dont get home in the mornings unitl shes left, and Im going to leave for work before she gets home. Days off will be spent doing the activities listed above, and what ever else i can find to get into. I unfollowed her on social media so im not constantly looking to see what she posts.
Good, when I stopped snooping it really helped me with my detachment. Altering your schedule and minimizing the amount of contact you have with her should help as well. You do not owe her an explanation but be prepared if she asks you a question about why are coming home later or leaving early.
Quote:
Before i get started, does this look ok? is there something i have planned that will not be Detachment/GAL? Just want to make sure i do this right. Thanks everyone for your time and support!
It looks really good. Have you thought about what the perfect GW would look like as a man? Any areas you would like to improve within yourself? What complaints did she have about you?
For example, I have some nice guy traits so for me I have to be more vocal about my opinions, beliefs, my wants and needs from my W or a future relationship.
