Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers How do I get things right?

It is a bad situation. I'm not here to promote D, but I have seen too many people stay in an unhealthy R. I have also seen people where physical separation, behavior changes, plus time, can work to bring the couple back to reconciling.

It sounds as if your H believes in a double standard. He was cheating (just hasn't admitted it) and womanizing and loving the female attention. I have seen those types that play the poor misunderstood & mistreated H of the unloving, controlling, jealous W he has to endure. I have also seen men, and women, who would threaten D every time there was a cross word spoken. My theory is that they see threatening D as their best shot to use as an emotional leverage in controlling the other S and the M. In the meantime, nothing changes in the MR. Their threats become over-used.

I have a close family member who was M to a woman who would threaten D every time they had a disagreement or she didn't like something he did. I told him one day that the way to break her from that, was to tell her to go file and he would respect her wishes. Well, he did.........and she would immediately try to back down from her threats. Eventually, he finally got enough of it, and got the D himself. She begged, chased, and promised him the moon if he would just stay with her. No deal. Her false threats came back to bite her in the end.

I don't know if that applies to your H, but it sounds like a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship for you and the child. It's certainly not a good role model for how a H and father should behave. It must make you very concerned for your son and how he will be influenced.

When I came to the board, I was quickly told there is never an excuse for an affair, and if my M had been so miserable I should have D and then had an affair. But you see, I was the disrespectful, resentful and rebellious W who was M to a man with the nice guy syndrome........so yes, in my case I have to agree with that advice. I was not abused, and my children were not afraid of their father's temper and threats. I don't think you have the heart of a WW. I think you are emotionally starved of tender love, terribly unhappy, and desperately trying to hold on to your H. My question.......is he worth it? Is he the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? If he is, then it is what it is. But if you are clinging to the hope he will change if you just continue enduring..........and history shows his behavior steadily getting worse, then I hope you will consider another route.

There are several threads from some of the ladies about abusive relationships. I think you can find it somewhere in Vanilla's. If I get time, I'll look for it, or maybe someone will point it out. I apologize if I am not giving you what you need to hear. I only want to encourage you to place you and your son's safety over anything else. Sometimes, when we step away from something too close.......we can see it much better, know what I mean?

Thanks Sandi2, I read the post about Vanilla. Thanks for sending that. I think sometimes it is good to see things from afar because you get to understand objectively.
I think H s profile doesnt quite feel like an abuser. He is someone who doesnt drink, always home and so good with the kid. He is a hands on dad, takes care of all my financial needs and never complains. helps a lot with my work and even when he is busy he is always available to help and he believes in me and my potential as far as work is concerned. He is helpful around the house. He doesnt go out with friends and is a good finance manager and very geneorus to me and the kid. He is transparent about his finances. To everyone who knows him including my family he is a very nice person and well respected at work and among his friends. Now my problem is when it comes to relationship he seems clueless on how to handle that. He seems unable to understand where he goes wrong because he sees himself as a very nice person and doesnt understand why I am unhappy

Hummm, well that description sounds quite differently than the previous one. Maybe my perception needs a tuneup.

Keep posting.

The problem is we both built up lots of resentment over the years. My main problems with him are
1. He never compliments me because he says I have so much pride. At one point he told me it was better if I looked so unattractive then no man would look at me. HE is atractive and i usee to gI've him compliments abt how he drives me crazy every time I look at him etc, compliment abt his hard work even when we are with friends, I appreciate every little effort.
2.He doesn't lead in most areas except finances. For the past 7 years of our marriage I am mostly the one initiating any intimacy. If I don't we don't make love
3.he isn't affectionate. He refuses anything I like. If I hold his hand he feels uncomfortable. He doesn't like to do what u ask in terms of romance. He just complains that I like attention. In our10 year marriage I can count on my fingers the number of times he kissed me. I complained and he says he doesn't like kisses.
4. He has so much resentment and sometimes he explodes and says so many things gs he regrets
5.he gets close to women a lot. They start taking most of his time. I complain abt it because I feel those relationships meets his emotional needs and he has no incentive of connecting with me. They are EAs but I know they are not physical. He is someone who doesn't like health risks so much.
6.he doesn't listen or try to meet my needs. He is not my brother or father who is there to provide financially. I can provide that for myself but I feel so lonely with him. He doesn't understand I need closeness to him and not just sex. I tried to hint, say it out and even mentioned I'm so unhappy because he doesn't meet my needs.
7. He compares himself with other men and feels he is one of the best. He doesn't drink, smoke, he is financially responsible for his family, takes care of the kid, always at home with us etc. He is goodlooking with a tonned body (but sadly i just look and not get him to be close. Most times I have to fantasise abt things we could do and then in reality can't do because he doesn't feel it's important) . Begging or initiating makes me loose desire for him. When I complain he starts saying most women don't have a H who does what he does. He has no incentives to improve on anything.

He threatens divorce and when I agree to it he goes quiet. I understand for now he us angry abt the A. He told me he lost interest in me in early 2015 (months before I had the A). In one conversation when I told him I want a divorce he said he will only agree if he buy me an apartment so that we live at a decent place. We already have a house but I told him if we divorce I want to move to a new place and don't want to live at our house.He also says we can divorce maybe after a year or so because he wants to help me get back on my feet. I told him it's unheard of that you care so much and wants to voluntarily spend on someone you want to divorce.I told him if we divote I like to be responsible for my upkeep and have my freedom so he needs to make up his mind on what he wants.

Sometimes he suggests an open marriage so that we stay together and I get someone to date. He says he got hurt to know an A happened behind his back and it would be better if he keeps that option open so it can happen openly. I refused this too because all I want is a normal marriage where he can make an effort to meet my needs.

I think it is so confusing. I don't understand him. He likes to talk to me, he even likes to come and have lunch with me. When we fight now he initiates sex a lot. On that area even when he is not angry he initiates more. He likes to talk to me more than before. I don't even know how to move forward. I had an A so do I have the right to complain abt my unmet needs now or endure and be so unhappy

I want to come back to your question, but first I have a question for you. If your H was here, how do you think he would describe the MR.......and mostly what would he say about you?

I think the M can be saved, if both of you get professional guidance and are willing to do hard work from now on......indefinitely. It sounds as if he needs educated about relationships and what women need and feel. From reading your posts, it makes me wonder about his upbringing and his male role models' influence on him.

Do you have a right to complain about unmet needs and endure unhappiness? You have a right to have your needs met. You have a right to be happy. Complaining about it to your H, doesn't seem to be working. In all fairness, that's how some of us try to inform our S of our needs.........but they mistranslate. Your A did not help the MR, but neither did it destroy it. From the way I read your account, the MR was in serious trouble, prior the A. You made the decision to do the right thing. Has your H forgiven you, or is he punishing you?

I know how it feels to go for years with unmet needs, and not feeling happy in my MR. Something I use to hear on the board when I first joined was that we are responsibile for our own happiness. It is not the responsibility of my H to "make" me be happy.........and that was a big pill of truth I had to swallow. FWIW, I think I know what you mean. Why have you stayed and endured unmet needs?

If my H was here he would probably say that:
You pushed me away from you when you started to control me, disrespect me and you have too much pride. You got into the marriage ready to fight and avoid being a doormat but when you realised I am the opposite of what you expected you did not change that approach and instead you took advantage of the fact that I am soft and understanding. I noticed you don't like to loose so that's why I decided to be passive and let you have everything your way. Earlier on in this marriage I noticed if I don't compromise we will be fighting so I withdrew for the sake of peace. I was feeling disrespected for too long and I have so much resentment up to a point that I started boiling inside and started saying bad things which I didn't really mean.

The main problem that led to your A is that growing up you were so spoiled and used to get attention and you came into the marriage expecting that. You have all these other needs I meet and you keep focusing on what I don't do and that led you to the A. You need counselling so that you learn how to handle M problems.

I think we have had problems but they were not serious that they would lead to A. You just decided the fate of everyone involved when you let this OM into your life. I would say we were OK before this A because every M has problems.




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He was brought up in a broken home. His father used to work long hours and delay going home. He was never around and was passive. He would feel overwhelmed and had even neglected his duties to support the kids and the wife was always complaining but he was not bothered at all. Weekends he would opt to work or visit his relatives alone.



Yes he says he forgives me but some days he says otherwise. He is so angry and some days get depressed about it. He says the A made him loose confidence in himself as a H and trust in me. Based on my character he says I'm the last person he expected to cheat and it's so difficult for him to accept what happened. He wants to be with me but is scared he might loose me to someone else. He wants to address underlying issues but he thinks I need to either be in an open marriage with him so I can have my needs met to avoid the pain he is having when dealing with betrayal.
For now he is having all different reactions and his emotions all over. I know I shldnt make conclusions based on what he says because he is hurt.



I really had hope that if I continue talking he will change. However I got so unhappy, resentful and felt worse after enduring. I am a Christian and I don't believe in divorce. To be honest he is better and more willing to talk than before the A.









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He also says he talks to other women and ignore my pleas as a way of regaining control because he feels he is loosing his privacy and too controlled.

But I didn't tell him or scare him into doing anything.for some reason he just did. He gave me his passwords after I found out he was communicating with his ex girlfriend. I'm not someone who makes threats but I really wanted to leave because I was already unhappy anyway

Thanks Sandi2 for your responses and questions. I really value your insights. The last question is tricky. If I'm responsible for my own happiness then in case of unmet needs how do I get over that. Enduring in the marriage with unmet needs makes one vulnerable because that's what led to the A in the first place. I never wanted to have it that way, in fact I am one person who used to think I will never do that. It really happened without me planning to and I deeply regret that.

BTW was reading your posts on your experiences. I am learning a lot from that too. Thanks. I am very strong Christian. I used to counsel many people (both H and Ws) and help them to pray and work on themselves and communicate and my guidance helped them a lot in their marriages. Funny enough most of them would end up with great marriages & most people say marriage is my ministry yet I can't fix my own and I cheat. I was at my lowest and in terms of faith I was so lost when it happened. I was not even attending church and didn't even have energy to pray. I guess after years of praying, working on marriage and reading many books I was so de motivated and lost it. Now I really try to avoid counseling others but then they still look for me and have to help them out. I got to a point where I wanted to stop.

Sister, you are preaching to the choir!



Same here!

Although my H wasn't like you've described your H, I am familiar with the feelings you are experiencing. I don't doubt you are depressed, lost, and worn out. It makes it hard to have the energy to work at anything, much less a MR.

Let me ask you about resentment. Were you holding old unresolved issues in your heart? I mean, it's hard to deal with resentment when nothing seems to change. What about lack of respect for him as a man......and as your H? Do you really desire your him, or is it more an issue of your need for emotional and physical intimacy?