Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers ILYBNILWY part 4

I guess what Im trying to say is that your original version talks about what she has to do or how she should feel. The way I wrote it, it conveys only information about you. In my opinion, she is looking for things to get upset about - focusing your communication about just you should take away any of those opportunities.

As for the last line, I believe it is important to show gratitude where possible - especially for things that W doesnt HAVE to do. I wouldnt be like "thanks for feeding D lunch" on a daily basis, but if you notice that she did something special for you or for D, I think its good to call it out. "Thanks for taking D to the doctor," "thanks for going to get D shoes." and so on.



I dont see any way you and D can have a no-pressure, unbiased discussion on this. And I agree that there isnt much for you and W to hash out. I think it would be a good opportunity for a third party with some training to provide support and guidance. My oldest had similar reactions and she found talking with a professional to be very helpful. For me, Id say something like:

"Ive noticed recently that, more and more, D is expressing sadness about switching between houses. Im wondering if it would be good for her to sit down with a therapist to talk through some of her feelings. Have you noticed anything similar? What would you think if I arranged a session for her?"

I thought I tried gratitude. My actual message was, "Not going to Germany, so won't need you to keep her. Thanks for offering, though." I see how I could have worded that better, but man, it feels like walking on eggshells.

As far as a third party goes, I talked to her pediatrician during her physical and she gave D a referral to the school counselor. She's been seeing her once or twice a week whenever she feels the need to talk. Both the school counselor and the MD didn't think she needed to see anyone professional yet. I'll bring it up with the counselor next time I'm at school and see if she'll talk to her next time D goes to her office.

Any thoughts on giving STBXW a heads up? If the situation were reversed, I'd want to be aware.

Yeah, its not a huge difference. I will say that this wording makes it come off like you assume she doesnt want D during that time so youre doing her a favor by taking her back. It feels subtle. But I dont think you get any push back if you word it like I did - saying you want her vs. saying that she doesnt need to have her.


I dont understand. The onus is on the 6 year old to decide when she wants to talk? It sounds like she has a lot of feelings she needs to process. I wonder if the school counselor is enough vs. someone trained in family counseling.


A heads up on....what, exactly?
I dont think its wise to tell her that D is complaining about going to W's place.

I do think there may be some benefit to comment that D is expressing sadness about leaving and to see if W is noticing similar patterns of behavior. And getting her opinion on the counselor and if there may be better options.

Yeah, telling her doesn't seem to do ME any good, was thinking more in terms of "maybe this would be positive for D." That said, if I have concerns that she's being pressured by her mother over things then... yeah, no good can come of this in any way, can it?

As far as talking to the school counselor, the whole idea of D being responsible for this IS a bit weird for me, too. Believe it or not, though, both her teacher AND her counselor (and D!) have told me that this is working well for all of them, is minimally disruptive, and is giving D a chance to talk about her feelings. I've brought this up to my C and she thinks it's a good place for D to be right now, too. I'm going to bring everything about D over the last week up during my session tomorrow and see what C says.

My parents brought me to a pshrink when I was a kid and it wasn't a positive experience. It gave me a VERY bad impression about the profession for years. If D is getting good support at school, which is a place she feels comfortable, and all the adults in play feel good about it, and D does too, and the doc taking care of my head thinks this is a good plan for now, then it seems to make sense to let it ride unless I see other changes, or school lets me know that D is getting worse.

I'll think about what I could say to STBXW. I've thought about broaching the subject (D seeing a professional) more than once, but every time I write out a text, and read it before hitting send, I delete it. Everything I write seems guaranteed to cause conflict. If we're divorced in a week, maybe things will deescalate for a while and there's the possibility then. If not, I expect things will get worse before they get better.

Got some news late last week. Don't want to post about it until after court, this Friday. Pretty much what I was thinking/expecting, but having it confirmed was "nice."

After not seeing STBXW for over a month, I've seen her three times in a week. It's jarring. She's back to yelling at/blaming me via text, then started being "nice" again which has typically meant I'm being set up for something or she wants something.

STBXW showed up for "grandparents tea" at school on Friday, along with MIL. That's the first school event she's attended in 2017 other than D's birthday party the day after BD. D was really happy on Friday, it was great to see. I was there to drop off fundraising stuff and talk to the school counselor about D. Didn't want to run into STBXW but I also don't have a lot of time to stop by school, so whatever. When I saw STBXW she grabbed the fundraiser order form and looked it over, asked for the catalog (which I dind't have) etc. After I left, I started getting texts, about making her feel bad, because I didn't ask her to participate in the fundraiser. I said I figured D would have told her about it, and that she could stop by the office, I'm sure they had extra order forms and a spare catalog. So then I get some spew about she's her mother and just because "you have a girlfriend you're already planning to marry" doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings, and it makes her feel like **** that I didn't ask her to help with the fundraiser, and she should be used to it by now." Then more spew about how I act like I'm the better parent, but I should remember "who was the one that she was there since she was born" and that me "stepping up because she was depressed" isn't all that great and that if I did that while she was there, maybe she wouldn't have ended up depressed.

I feel like [censored]. I get texts like that sometimes that make me feel like I'm being written out. Like I'm not D's father in her mind. That she wants to replace me in that role with OM, and that's just fine because I'm not her "real" dad. I'm ok with STBXW living with OM (who moved here from Florida). I'm ok with them playing family every weekend. I'm ok with OM acting like D's stepdad (apparently they made cookies together this weekend) though I feel like it's a bit soon for that, and her hypocrisy irritates me. But the feeling that STBXW is trying to outright replace me as D's father rather than just her husband is really bothering me. It hurts. Really, really badly. I didn't think she could hurt me anymore, but she found a way. I was only dating STBXW for a few weeks before she started telling three month old D that I was her daddy. I imagine she's laying the groundwork for doing the same thing now, and is upset that she can't. I'm waiting for the day, which I expect in the near future, when D asks me, "Daddy, mommy said you're not really my daddy, what does that mean?" I hate it. I hate it so much. It hurts like hell.

And then she goes back to being nice. She brought D by the house on Saturday, apparently was in the area and D wanted to see me. Actually called first and asked if it was ok rather than just showing up. When I said I didn't feel well, she acted concerned, asked what was wrong, and if I'd been taking medicine or been to the doctor. It's sad, but all of that makes me suspicious.

I figured I'd get to spend a few minutes with D, give her a hug, and then they'd go about their day. It was a disaster, D freaked out and didn't want to leave. She was tired which was part of it, but I was put in the situation of having to put her in the car and put her seatbelt on her while she was crying "daddy, I want to stay with you." I felt an inch tall.

EastTN, sorry to hear about your D. I hope your STBWX felt half an inch tall for doing that.

Being replaced as a father is a horrible feeling. Being replaced as a H is manageable, since I personally won't have to carry my STBXW's emotional baggage for her any more. But fatherhood is a special bond, and the thought of OM trying to step into that role makes me furious.

I look forward to your "good news".

East, I know most of us here were tough on you about your GF situation, but I think your STBXW is one of the biggest cuckoos on this site (and I think that is saying a lot, my H is pretty nuts).

She clearly gave no thought to the fact that just as she was moving on with some guy that you would do the same and there would be some other woman in your Ds life. Sounds like serious buyer's remorse. I recall telling my H this very situation about a year ago. His response, I trust that you would only be with quality people and you have to trust the same (hello, no way).

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you since she is constantly minimizing the efforts you have made all these years for your D. Given that you've been with her since 3 months, how can she even say that. Babies sleep the first three months.

You may want to talk to your IC about whether your D is old enough to hear that you chose to become her daddy. It would likely be far better to hear it from you in a loving way. I have no doubt that your STBXW will say this to her at some point in an effort to hurt your or simply being clueless about how your daughter would feel about hearing it.

Kudos to you for standing by your daughter when it would be so easy to walk away from this chaos. She needs that anchor in her life as your STBXW flaps in the wind.

Court tomorrow. I know this is awful to do on this site, but please wish me luck.

Good luck, East!

Be strong. It'll be over soon.

You got this, buddy!

Rooting for you.