I have been sitting here at work today, (and several other days recently) thinking about everything being said on this forum. I think the post by Cathy about being scared has me the most stirred and the one you just wrote. Little background here....... Me 48 HD, H-55 LD/ND. No children between the two of us, but both have kids from 1st marriages. My son lived with us till he was 18, he is now 29. Married 21 yrs. H had problem with alcohol, although he says he didn't, but it took an ultimatium from me to get him to stop. Now he has heart problems and can't drink, it scares him too much. He was having problems before any heart problems, you know, he could not get a rise? It also seemed the only time he wanted to "prove" his manhood was when he was drinking and he always had a problem then anyway. Fast forward to right before the 1st heart attack. I was to the end of my rope (this was about 4 years ago) and we had not had any physical contact for several years before that and he had moved into the spare bedroom to sleep. Of course I was doing all the wrong things, ie; arguing about it, trying to get him to go to the drs. He would hear none of it. He finally did go to drs, and tried one thing, when that didn't work he gave up, until Viagra came out, then he went back. Viagra doesn't work on everyone , but right before the 1st heart attack I was about to be a WAW. I could not have lived with myself if I had left when he needed someone the most. A month later he had another heart attack and then 3 months later heart bypass surgery. He had complications with the surgery and was off work a year. I worked 2 jobs almost 6 months to keep from loosing what we had worked for. When he was back on his feet and I was sure he could handle himself, low and behold I could not afford to move. So, I stayed there and lived like roommates. I tried to get him to do things with me, but he would not.
It came as a big surprise to me when he came to me right before new years and asked me if I was happy. I will not lie to him. He had decided he wanted to make things between us right/better. For several weeks he was really gung ho on this. It kinda overwhelmed me. I asked him to read the book. He picked it up, but has read about a third of it and has been moved several times, but the book mark has not moved in about a month. I find I don't really care if he touches me. I have alot of resentment that I do not know how to let go of. I know this is probably a choice, I for some reason cannot find it in me to let it go. Fear? I don't know. He has always intimidated me with his knowledge. Always made me feel inferior to him in that department. He has a way of turning things around on me, making me feel real stupid
Several months ago I asked him to move back in the bed with me. He slept there a couple of times, but he refuses to put the 2 younger dogs up at night, and 3 50 lb dogs in the bed with us is just too uncomfortable. He has opted to still sleep in his own bed with the dogs. Don't get me wrong, I love those dogs, they have kept my sanity when nobody else would listen. I threw myself into them for years, doing shows and stuff. It just seems like the old habits are prevailing. During the week, he usually gets home before me. By time I get home he usually has only taken care of the dogs. The rest of the night he sits on the couch and watches TV. he waits for me to fix dinner and do the dishes. Sometimes he will do the dishes, maybe about 1 to 2 times a week.
I don't know what to do to find out what is holding me back having a really big talk with him, except I know from past experience the way he does things, turns things around on me, making me feel stupid. There is so much going on inside of ME that I cannot explain, even to myself.
Anyway, several posts have hit home here with me to provoke me to really think about things and see I might just be my own worse enemy. Am glad to hear the stories like yours and Corri's where things are working out. I have alot of admiration for you guys, sticking it out the way you have and working so hard to achieve that.
Most people here have good hopes of things working out. Well I have taken enough room here. Hope everyone has a good afternoon
Havent quite got the hang of posting etc. What is LD and what is HD? Couldn't find them in the main page abbreviations. Thanks. Hanging on in this marriage.
Welcome, PBH. Sorry you're here (you know what I mean). LD is "Low Desire" or "Low Drive", and HD is the opposite (High). I would guess you're the HD partner. Tell us where you're at - there is lots of help here..
Quote: Oh, and I should confess, I have been keeping a calendar, even though I profess to not being a counter. It is useful to at least mark ones progress :-)
Oh my God, you are so busted!!!! I cannot believe you admitted to keeping a calendar! After the digs you gave me when I admitted I had been keeping a calendar on my Venting Thread a month or so ago...
Okay, fess up everyone, who besides me and NOP keep a calendar, or at least a running tab in your head?
"Why would you want/need to keep count, Corri?"
You know dam good and well why I keep one, Mr. Horndog extraordinaire... looks pretty doggone good when all those little squares are filled in, doesn't it, fella?
Man, oh man...
Oh, and I'm very glad to hear things are 'perking up.'
I am sorry you are hurting so bad. Pain of any kind sucks, whether it is emotional or physical. Be that as it may, pain is a part of life that you have to face like any other part. It sounds like you are doing a good job of meeting it head on. I think you should be proud of yourself.
Your husband needs to read the book. He needs to take you seriously. You took his pain and suffering seriously, in fact, you sacrificed a lot for him. It was the right thing to do, you love him. Let him know that he needs to read the book, carefully and from cover to cover because you have a very real need for him to understand something about you. Let him know that there is a picture of you painted in words in that book, and that he needs to read it. for your sake. Tell him you want to discuss it when he is finished. Give him a deadline, say a week.
Yes, that is pressure. You have to add air to tires occasionally. They go flat otherwise, even without a leak :-) Air up his tires. If you aren't sure they have enough, give them a couple of quick kicks to see how they sound - metaphorically of course :-)
Don't give up! Don't give up on you or on him. I bet there is a damn good guy in that chair asleep in front of the TV. If he won't call it up, then drag it out of him if you have to. Don't let him nod off into uselessness. Don't you drift off into acceptance. You can be gentle and loving and caring but still demand change.
Please keep us posted.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I don't keep a calendar, but have kept a count for each year. Some years have not required two hands and others have not required toes. On the "Corri Scale", one of her year's totals is equal to 5 of mine.
However there is some improvement going on.
Scott
"Satisfaction is not guaranteed." Rule #19 Ferengi "Rules of Acquistition"
, but right before the 1st heart attack I was about to be a WAW. I could not have lived with myself if I had left when he needed someone the most. A month later he had another heart attack and then 3 months later heart bypass surgery. He had complications with the surgery and was off work a year. I worked 2 jobs almost 6 months to keep from loosing what we had worked for. When he was back on his feet and I was sure he could handle himself, low and behold I could not afford to move. So, I stayed there and lived like roommates. I tried to get him to do things with me, but he would not. 
