Quote: It‘s my birthday today and she had a few presents for me this morning.
A very Happy Birthday to you, SD! Sounds like your W is already working to make it special for you - I hope she succeeds. At least I don't think you need worry about getting an Easter cake...
As suspected, improvement in relationships does seem to be indicated by both spouses reading some or all of the book, or when only the LD spouse reads the book.
It does seem that spouses that have not read most of the book have also not embraced the truth contained therein and made slower or no progress (exceptions noted). It would therefore seem that Michele's arguments are most compelling.
I am now curious as to the reasons some here have not, in a nice way of course, demanded that your spouse read the book. After all, there is trouble in the relationship, otherwise why would you be here. I know that everyone has their own reasons and philosophy, but with something so important, why would you not jump into the fray?
I have maintained from the start, that you have to be willing to get a bit of a bloody nose in order to get what you want out of a relationship. The bloody nose equates to being willing to change when the bad parts of the relationship that YOU are responsible for are brought to your attention. I have watched as Corri has publicly worked through her relationship. I have not been able to be so forthcoming, although our struggles have now born decent fruit. - for those of you still counting frequency as a measure of success, how 'bout 5 to 7 times a week? Sorry, I had to rub that in a bit.
I was hoping that Cemar would answer the questions. Like others have pointed out, there seems to be fear at work, but in greater measure than others have worked through. I do want to encourage you all to be kind to Cemar. The fact that he is here, like all of us, means that he is at least trying to deal with his issues.
As for fear, I think we all need to recognize it for what it is, mostly irrational. Certainly, fools rush in where angels fear to tread, so make sure that the point you push is ultimately good for the both of you, beware of fearlessly pushing the selfish. Like Cemar however, I don't think the desire for affection from ones spouse is selfish, rather normal. I think that withholding affection is cowardly, although understandable in some circumstances (abuse).
It seems to me that being unwilling to work through issues surrounding the withholding of affection stem from mostly either ignorance or fear. Withholding affection as a form of control or manipulation is simply wrong and needs to addressed as any other form of deviant behavior.
Change in a sexually starved relationship comes quickest when the LD spouse decides to change, but change comes when either spouse realizes there is a problem and finally decides to take action (I know I have said that before). Action appears to be the key, as we all know that passive reactions rarely work.
So, I want to expand on Michele's advice to "just do it", to include pressuring your spouse to at least read the book. To tiptoe around an issue that is slowly eroding your relationship is NOT a kindness, rather a walk on gilded splinters.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
That was a great post, Nopkins. I don't know if you were around when I gave my W the book, but I was very full of trepidation before I did it. When I finally gave it to her, she went ballistic, (as I had expected), but then she settled down. Went went through some more rocky parts, and now we're doing better. It was very scary to give it to her. But it was worth it. She hasn't read it fully, but it is sitting around, and she may decide, one day, to read it. So far, she has used it, for the most part, to show me what I, the HD spouse, have done wrong. I hope she gets past that and reads the part about LD spouses.
5-7 times a week? You are a god.
Are you happy with your R? How happy, on a scale from 1 (not) to 10 (delirious)? How does it compare to one year ago?
Wow, nop... you sound poetic! You speak as one who has found true enlightenment. Please, share with us! 5-7 times/week??? I agree with hairdog... you MUST let us know what that's like! Only the Palmer Twins have been that enthusiastic in my house...
In my case, it was W (LD) who originally found "the book" - we had been in MC for over 6 months, and we both had high hopes initially for it, but I think I ended up benefitting most, so far, anyway. Not sure, but I think she's been reading it in secret recently. Hmmm... I sure hope so...
I was here, and I remember you giving the book to your wife. Man that was a really cramped closet I was hiding in ;-)
Maybe you need to encourage her to read it again.
In the past year, we have seen a lot of stormy weather, BUT, the ship is now very sturdy and can handle a bit of rough weather now and again. I think I would rate our relationship a solid 9. I am sure that I could improve in many ways, the same with her. We are doing very well though.
Example. We worked through some issues this morning, mostly life stress type of stuff (normal stuff) that has been keeping us both a bit at odds. So we decided to spend this evening together. Our plan is to make love, watch the last Matrix on the big screen in the movie room - no clothes allowed tonight, then make love again and off to sleep. Now this may not all work out as planned, but the thing is, it IS the plan. There is no sabotage, no hidden agenda, and she certainly does NOT have a secret plan to cut the evening short. This plan was her idea. Regardless of how the evening really progresses, the intent was sincere. Even if we don't get to do everything we wanted to, we will still do a good bit of it.
My wife and I have a lot on our respective plates. We own a business and are just finishing construction on a second one. We don't have little ones at home any longer, but there is still family stuff to deal with. We are proof that you can be extremely busy, correct your relationship, have time for each other and still meet all the external demands.
A year ago (less really), I was ready to end our relationship. Action (willingness to change) is necessary by both parties to effect repairs on a broken relationship. Since I am ranting away, here is some simple advice from my point of view.
If you are a spouse that talks too much, shut up and learn to listen.
If you are withholding affection in your relationship, stop it right now and start giving.
If you are a spouse that refuses to share your feelings, start talking about how you feel right now, and be honest.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote from tim47: --------------------- Wow, nop... you sound poetic! You speak as one who has found true enlightenment. Please, share with us! 5-7 times/week??? I agree with hairdog... you MUST let us know what that's like! Only the Palmer Twins have been that enthusiastic in my house... ---------------------
Hi, Tim.
No real enlightenment, just a return to normalcy, albeit a couple decades late.
In the early years of our marriage, there was a lot of 'activity' :-) I don't expect to return to those levels, but we both want our relationship to return to its former 'ease' for lack of the proper term. Sex for us was once an extension of our love, and we both want to return to that. Nothing existential about that. I though that was what we were all doing here :-)
Daily+ was normal for us once, so we are trying to return to some semblance or normalcy - for us. It is certainly different for everyone. As for what it is like for us, well, a long overdue return to normal :-)
Oh, and I should confess, I have been keeping a calendar, even though I profess to not being a counter. It is useful to at least mark ones progress :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
