Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Jmstl's thread-Part 3

And to add...it will take a while for your w to act different....mine still has an edge and won't show her true feelings to me yet

Yes, thanks J for the timeline warning and tempering expectations. Just don't expect results right away or even for months. You just don't know how long it will take.

Yeah, the timeline is the worst part. Because obviously I still feel like, with the D date approaching, any hope/chance I have is slipping away.

Jmstl,

Keep DBing. It's not over until it's over. Some people are stubborn and want to show the world that they mean what they say, even if they heart and mine or in conflict. You have a lit of time still.

Can you all take a look at my situation and provide me with some advice. (Joejoe1, lost on how to save my marriage).

I would really appreciate it.

Most of us would counsel you not to date at this point.

Let me share my experience. I dated, as part of GAL, almost immediately after DB. The whole time I was completely honest with the women I dated. Just like you, I was totally emotionally unavailable, and found I didn't really enjoy it. It was a lot of effort, I didn't think it was fair to the women, and my heart just wasn't into it. So I stopped.

Fast forward a few months.... I'm still emotionally unavailable, but enjoy the company of a woman over dinner or at a movie. I'm still honest with them, which makes it somewhat hard to find a date, but I've found many women aren't interested in connecting emotionally; they just want a dinner companion, too.

The bottom line is, go at your own pace. Do what you're comfortable with.

Good luck.

I would caution against setting up timelines. I suspect they will lead to disappointment.

Yes, but doesn't MWD even state in her book to set specific goals?

Ie, for me, a goal is to get a genuine compliment from W by the end of OCT, and a real sit down discussion not about kids or money by the end of november.

This is a quote from Pride and Prejudice, W's favorite book. I have known it for a while, but I feel it applies to me right now

“I do not pretend to possess equal frankness with your ladyship. You may ask questions which I shall not choose to answer.” …

“You are resolved to have him?”

“I have said no such thing. I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.”

The genuine compliment goal sounds good. the sit down goal may be problematic as you can't control this timeline and how she will be in a few months. Make the goal about you - I think this is what most people interpret wrongly from MWDs books.

Thanks M

So yesterday was pretty wild, I guess

W came over to drop off S. She texted before and asked if we could talk about a couple of things. I said yes, but I was nervous as to what her agenda was. She came over, but I did not let her into the apartment. I waited for her to arrive outside and we talked there. This was the boundary I had set.

and we mostly went over kid stuff. I apologized for my tone on Sunday and said "I know this is hard on everyone, and I am just trying to navigate how to deal with it" She smiled and said it was okay, and that she understood.

She then asked if I was still okay going to DW as a family, or if I wanted to take the kids on a separate vacation. I said that I wanted to go as a family. I said I understood that it was still far away, our relationship will obviously be different, but that we were both amicable responsible adults, and saw no reason that we couldn't be together for a week, and said I felt that we would actually enjoy our time together with each other.

She brought up the D date, and what paperwork we would need.

She asked if the schedule was good still. I told her that it was, and said "I enjoy having weekends to myself, probably like you do." She said "I would not say I enjoy it, I am just trying to keep myself busy" This to me says there is still a lot of conflict in her.

She mentioned that the anger and resentment she has is directed toward herself, and that she tried to keep it going for so long. I validated and said I understood. I added that I wished that she had come to me sooner, as I thought things were getting better, as I had heard no complaints. She said that was because in hindsight, she stopped caring. I said that is confusing, because if she did not let me know there was a problem, then how could I know that something needed to be worked on?

We talked about how we were going to handle dating. She said there were a few men she was talking to but she had not actually met anyone IRL. She said she had to disable her dating profile a few times, due to being overwhelmed and being treated like fresh meat. I gave her some tips on how she could handle those. I told her I had no intention of deleting mine and she should not delete hers, and we can coexist on the same site peacefully. And if she did not want to see my profile, she could just hide it.

She said she would not actually 'date' until /I/ was ready, as in she wouldn't date until I started to. (To be honest, that is a little unfair to me. What if I never 'date', does that mean she won't?)

I asked if she was going to get her tattoo covered up (we each have one of our anniversary date) She said she was, and had an appt to get it done that day, but had gotten a sunburn. She said she was not trying to erase me, like I thought she was. She said she wasn't sure to get it before (it was her suggestion, btw) and had convinced herself to do it. I told her I had no intention of getting rid of mine, as it was a part of who I was and a memory I would cherish. And that if anyone I date has a problem with that, they aren't the type of person I would want to see.

This whole talk lasted about an hour. It was very calm and productive, imo.

She told me that for a while she had a lot of walls up with me, but those are slowly coming down over time.

At the end I said "Given how well this went today, and how we can have honest and open talks like this, if you are comfortable with it, next time you bring the kids over, you are welcome to come into the apartment. She started to tear up, and came over and gave me a HUG!

Later we texted a bit, with me giving telling her how to protect herself online. She responded that I had to be careful too as women are sneaky and mischeivious (sp?)

Told her that as the mother of my children and my friend, that I will always be there for her, and that if she is ever in a situation she does not feel comfortable in, or anyone threatens her, to let me know, as I will 'stick a knife in their f'in throat' before I let any harm come to her.

I probably totally screwed up all the DB methods, but to be honest, I feel a little more at peace today with the situation.

I still want to DB and work on the relationship. I feel this may have been a very small step in the right direction. Even though she said there is no chance we would ever get back together, I think she see how well we can be together (at least as coparents right now)