I need him to come by the house every day and be with the kids, as he gets out of work hours before I do and we don't want them to be home alone.
My suggestion would be to establish a boundary that as soon as you get home he leaves. Your goal should be to be around him as little as possible.
Better yet, set a time that he should leave and then don't come home until after that time (for awhile) so that he doesn't have any contact with you. He has to miss you before he will come back. As AnotherStander points out, read all the LBS threads in Cadet's links above.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
I need him to come by the house every day and be with the kids, as he gets out of work hours before I do and we don't want them to be home alone.
My suggestion would be to establish a boundary that as soon as you get home he leaves. Your goal should be to be around him as little as possible.
Better yet, set a time that he should leave and then don't come home until after that time (for awhile) so that he doesn't have any contact with you. He has to miss you before he will come back. As AnotherStander points out, read all the LBS threads in Cadet's links above.
Is it counterproductive to TELL him that I want that boundary or should I just enact it without saying a word? I think the latter sounds better
________________________ M: 35 H: 36 M: Together 16 years; M 6 S14, D12 BD: 8/11 H Moved Out: 8/13 PA confirmed: 9/2 H Back Home: 9/27 OW Says she's pregnant/R on hold: 10/12
Is it counterproductive to TELL him that I want that boundary or should I just enact it without saying a word? I think the latter sounds better
You definitely want to tell him. A boundary isn't really a boundary unless it is clearly stated. Just tell him that you are not comfortable being around him given that he's engaging in an affair and that he has left you, but since he needs to be there for the kids you're willing to allow that as long as he leaves at "x" time (good idea KGuy). And tell him you would appreciate it if he respects your boundary. He will probably not respect it for long, so expect that and be prepared to deal with it.
I'm messing up here guys. We slept together today. It was amazing. Later on today, he said we can't do that anymore. We've now slept together a total of 3 times since bomb drop. When I 180, he pursues me and I give in. Feeling pretty low.
________________________ M: 35 H: 36 M: Together 16 years; M 6 S14, D12 BD: 8/11 H Moved Out: 8/13 PA confirmed: 9/2 H Back Home: 9/27 OW Says she's pregnant/R on hold: 10/12
I think you can have sex, just get up and walk off when you finish like it didnt matter. Tell him thank you for the sex and then leave, go out, go act like nothing just happened. Stop letting him take control of those situations. Don't wait around to be held after or to have intimate talks. He's a man and men egos can be shattered if you act like his sex meant nothing to you. The only thing you did wrong was talk to him afterwards. Next time he say we can't do that anymore, you look at him in his eyes and say ok and walk away. Don't ask why or stand around waiting for another comment.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I think you can have sex, just get up and walk off when you finish like it didnt matter. Tell him thank you for the sex and then leave, go out, go act like nothing just happened. Stop letting him take control of those situations. Don't wait around to be held after or to have intimate talks. He's a man and men egos can be shattered if you act like his sex meant nothing to you. The only thing you did wrong was talk to him afterwards. Next time he say we can't do that anymore, you look at him in his eyes and say ok and walk away. Don't ask why or stand around waiting for another comment.
I definitely did that after. When he told me later on that we shouldn't do this anymore, I said "I know".. and then he said "It was so good though". I also said I know. I feel cheap now, but happy that we were able to connect that way. I'm sure he feels like he's cheating on his EA partner.
WTF
________________________ M: 35 H: 36 M: Together 16 years; M 6 S14, D12 BD: 8/11 H Moved Out: 8/13 PA confirmed: 9/2 H Back Home: 9/27 OW Says she's pregnant/R on hold: 10/12
Next time he said it was good. Don't say I know. Say it was better for me. He thinks you are playing on his turf. You can turn that around with more confidence.
If he feels like hes cheating on his EA good. Thats not your problem. Obviously shes not all that if he's telling you all those things.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Next time he said it was good. Don't say I know. Say it was better for me. He thinks you are playing on his turf. You can turn that around with more confidence.
If he feels like hes cheating on his EA good. Thats not your problem. Obviously shes not all that if he's telling you all those things.
I'm sure he feels that way, but didn't tell me that. You're right about the confidence... I need to step that up more. I'm doing a good job @ GAL, even though it feels unnatural sometimes.
Sometimes I want to contact her and tell her that I know all about her and we continue to have sex. That's probably not the best thing to do in this situation lol
________________________ M: 35 H: 36 M: Together 16 years; M 6 S14, D12 BD: 8/11 H Moved Out: 8/13 PA confirmed: 9/2 H Back Home: 9/27 OW Says she's pregnant/R on hold: 10/12
You are right, don't concern yourself with her. Don't give her power by mentioning her name or reaching out to her. Worry about you and your techniques. They are working. That's what matters.
I know its hard to forget or worry about the other person. But we give them power when we mention their names or talk to our spouses about OP. Forget they even exist.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
