No I think I get the point I was asking from a pure statistical stance
Unfortunately, we don't have any numbers for you, but I can tell you this much........over the years that I've been reading threads on the board, the W's that did want their H back, were interested b/c he let go and stopped trying to get her back. He would move ahead and enjoy his life without her........and without his attention on her.
LBH's are afraid to let go, b/c they have this idea it will push the W farther away. No, pursuing pushes her away! When she sees you not interested or bothered by her, and moving forward......... it attracts her.
Sandi says these things much more compassionately than I do. I tend to be very blunt. That's the Marine still in me. Listen to her. She's absolutely right about this. It's not guaranteed to go this way but there are no guarantees with anything in life. This just gives you your best chance.
No I think I get the point I was asking from a pure statistical stance
Unfortunately, we don't have any numbers for you, but I can tell you this much........over the years that I've been reading threads on the board, the W's that did want their H back, were interested b/c he let go and stopped trying to get her back. He would move ahead and enjoy his life without her........and without his attention on her.
LBH's are afraid to let go, b/c they have this idea it will push the W farther away. No, pursuing pushes her away! When she sees you not interested or bothered by her, and moving forward......... it attracts her.
Sandi says these things much more compassionately than I do. I tend to be very blunt. That's the Marine still in me. Listen to her. She's absolutely right about this. It's not guaranteed to go this way but there are no guarantees with anything in life. This just gives you your best chance.
I appreciate the advice that everyone has given so far. I am actively working on detaching, GALing, etc. It is hard, as everyone would agree, but it has been getting better every day. I'm not looking for perfection in my DBing, but I am looking for progress (On my end), and I think I am doing well, in that respect.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
So W mentioned she wanted to get a little 'trailer' for her bike for the kids to ride in when she goes biking. I saw one at Target last night, and sent her a pic. No words, just a pic of the item and the price.
Should I not do things like that either? Is that considered pursuing? BC to me, that was just being polite and thinking "Hey I happened upon this. I know you want this. Here is a pic of it. Do what you want with the info"
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Yeah don't do that. It is pursuing and you're finding ways to contact her. Let it go. This can also be you trying to fix her life. Just don't do it. She wants a trailer, she's more than capable of getting it done. Don't find ways to contact her.
Yeah don't do that. It is pursuing and you're finding ways to contact her. Let it go. This can also be you trying to fix her life. Just don't do it. She wants a trailer, she's more than capable of getting it done. Don't find ways to contact her.
Good point. Now that I think about it, I guess it is kind of like when she sends messages like "Don't forget xyz is happening." Granted it is strictly child related, but I feel like, "Yeah I got this handled, I'm a big boy, I don't need you to remind me"
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Yeah don't do that. It is pursuing and you're finding ways to contact her. Let it go. This can also be you trying to fix her life. Just don't do it. She wants a trailer, she's more than capable of getting it done. Don't find ways to contact her.
Agreed with this^^^. And by showing her a picture of it, to ME, it almost suggests that you would pay for part or all of it. And or you have the expectation of a response from her, which is a form of pursuit. You are not her helpful buddy. At least not now.
Good point. Now that I think about it, I guess it is kind of like when she sends messages like "Don't forget xyz is happening." Granted it is strictly child related, but I feel like, "Yeah I got this handled, I'm a big boy, I don't need you to remind me"
"I"m a big boy, I don't need you to remind me", sounds like a defensive jab.
Whereas just saying "Yes I remembered/did not forget" and leaving it at that,
sounds simple, which it is.
And to echo something others said, I cannot think of a single case around here in which a WAS came home b/c their spouse was pursuing them.
For now, your job is to be your best self, by GAL and being upbeat to give her something to miss.
She can't miss you if you are not gone.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yeh exactly. She needs to put her big woman pants on and handle her business. Just like you'll do it. She might find excuses to text you stuff that isn't kid related. Just don't reply to it.
Jm....here is the rule I follow. I never initiate anything unless it is about the kids or finances. If I initiate it better be something critical which so far has only been about .5% of the time. The rest of our interactions have been 99.5% of the time initiated by her outside of our interactions during kid exchange and soccer games/practices.
The rule of thumb is to only respond to text's/emails if they are actionable and to also not respond right away. Mix it up some so she gets the impression you are always not available (hopefully your GALing and really can't respond). My W used to send me pics of the girls and her including what they were doing. I would not respond to those and eventually they stopped.
If she sends you a message about not forgetting something, don't respond unless she asks you a direct question. If it is just a reminder there is no need IMO. If she has a problem with it she will let you know and you can go from there. My W never confronted me when I didn't respond to any of her texts. No I mix it up some, sometimes I respond and sometimes I don't. It really just depends on what mood I am in however I still 99.5% of the time never initiate anything.
Last night for example, she showed up 15 min late for my D's soccer game. The old me would have texted her to say where are you etc. Not the new me, if our D asks you can explain to her why you were late. Another example, I live in the Dallas area and there was a media hyped gas shortage yday, the old me would have called her and told her to fill up her tank. The new me did nothing and around 1 she sent me a text asking me if I filled up, I told her "yes" in my response. Hopefully she got the point that I was no longer looking after her.
Do you have any idea on the psycology of that? It just seems so counterintuitive to think you can attract them back by basically saying you aren't attracted to them anymore
25 posts this sometimes, I always get a kick out of it because it describes the psychology so well:
Quote:
Here are lines from Swingers that may help.
MIKE And what if I don't want to give up on her?
ROB You don't call.
MIKE But you said I shouldn't call if I wanted to give up on her.
ROB Right.
MIKE So I don't call either way.
ROB Right.
MIKE So what's the difference?
ROB The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. See, you can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to make her not want to come back.
MIKE So the only difference is if I forget about her or pretend to forget about her.
ROB Right.
MIKE Well that [censored].
ROB It [censored].
MIKE So it's almost a retroactive decision. So I could, like, let's say, forget about her and when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her.
ROB Right...or more likely the opposite.
MIKE Right... Wait, what do you mean?
ROB I mean first you'll pretend not to care, not call - whatever, and then, eventually, you really won't care.
MIKE Unless she comes back first.
ROB Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they don't come back until you really don't care anymore.
Do you have any idea on the psycology of that? It just seems so counterintuitive to think you can attract them back by basically saying you aren't attracted to them anymore
25 posts this sometimes, I always get a kick out of it because it describes the psychology so well:
Quote:
Here are lines from Swingers that may help.
MIKE And what if I don't want to give up on her?
ROB You don't call.
MIKE But you said I shouldn't call if I wanted to give up on her.
ROB Right.
MIKE So I don't call either way.
ROB Right.
MIKE So what's the difference?
ROB The only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. See, you can't do anything to make her want to come back. You can only do things to make her not want to come back.
MIKE So the only difference is if I forget about her or pretend to forget about her.
ROB Right.
MIKE Well that [censored].
ROB It [censored].
MIKE So it's almost a retroactive decision. So I could, like, let's say, forget about her and when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her.
ROB Right...or more likely the opposite.
MIKE Right... Wait, what do you mean?
ROB I mean first you'll pretend not to care, not call - whatever, and then, eventually, you really won't care.
MIKE Unless she comes back first.
ROB Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they don't come back until you really don't care anymore.
MIKE There's the rub.
ROB There's the rub.
The quotes from Swingers are absolutely right. I faked not caring and then really didn't care. After she started begging ME for another chance I have to be honest, it took a while for me to care. She was a blubbering mess and a cheater. Not the type of person I'm attracted to. She almost blew it. I mean VERY close to blowing it. I think sometimes they can tell when you're faking it and when you've really detached and don't care about them nor need them for anything.
If the worm can turn, that's when it'll happen. If they really really are serious about wanting out then they'll announce it, file for D, and leave. They'll ghost you and literally just be done and never want to speak to you again. If they're dragging their feet or haven't filed and are initiating contact with you then the DB plan will almost always work. They're not really serious about leaving, not saying they won't if you don't play it right, but they're really acting out. In that case, which was the case of my wife, that script can be flipped on them. DB'ing will do that but you can't half ass it.
