Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Jmstl's thread-Part 2

So, tonight I went out for drinks. I don't think I am ready to date yet, but drinks ended up turning into a date (I guess?) we talked and hung out for 5.5 hours. I felt absolutely alive. I felt wanted. She put her hand on my leg. She touched me. By the end of the night, we ended up kissing. Now, I really enjoyed being kissed, but at the same time, I DO still want to work things out with my wife. So, in a way, I feel kind of like a scumbag. But I think if she has started to see other men, then there is no reason I can't see other women. I am kind of mixed....I will say that I thoroughly enjoyed this woman's company and want to see her again, if I am to be divorced. I tried to put aside the "newness" factor of it and try to see this woman through a more critical lens, and it was mostly positive.

She apologized for passing the friend boundary I had set earlier in the evening. I told her there was no need to apologize, and it was my choice to let the boundary be broken.

Yup, sounds like a date...you know the pros & cons of this or you wouldn't have posted, I guess. It is so understandable that you want to feel those feelings, really it is.

I suppose my question would be how does it help your goals and might it add more drama in the short-term to an already difficult sitch for you and your family?

It does help my goals in the fact that I want to experience more of life and not be some miserable person who spends his time just moping around. As far as drama, really I think, what's going to happen? She is already meeting other people. She says she doesn't want to work on the MR, she tells people we are completely over. Maybe if she finds out I am GALing, then her feelings will change. But I do know those feelings will never change if I just do "More of the same". I am 180ing, and it feels good.

W sent a message at 430 yesterday, and I did not even read it, or respond until 8 hours later. I want her to see that she is having less of an impact on my life.

Obviously, while I want to stay married and work this out, I can't wait around forever. I don't want to become some celibate old man, pining away for his lost love. And W has stated that she doesn't want me to do so. She wants me to be happy and healthy (yet never offers specifics) Maybe if she sees I /am/ becoming that person, then feelings may change.

But I am going to life. I'm not letting life come to me.

Don't overthink stuff. Your wife wants out. That's pretty clear. All you did at this meeting was live your life for you. Don't feel guilty about that.

I get that, and I am living my life for me. But I also want to share my life with W. I know right now that isn't really possible, but I pray that she will come around. In the meantime, I am living for me.

" I am living for me "

If I could condense DBing to a catch phrase, that's what it would be.

People here have different advice on the timeline for starting to date and get involved with someone else. Just make sure you don't end up using another person and their feelings for your own gain. It would not be fair to the other person. You already know all of this, but I am just vocalizing my thoughts.

Live your life man. If I was in a place to date right now, I would totally do it.

Thanks Maika.

I'm not looking to date seriously. I am looking to hang out and have fun. I explained that I am looking for a small bit of emotional and physical intimacy. I did not expect it to end up as anything more than 2 people drinking some beer and casually talking about life. It was just so comfortable and natural. I was myself. I made inappropriate jokes, talked about various topics. We listened to music and people watched. It was just a 'good' time. I don't think I would have made the first move for sure, but she did. And when she did, while I was nervous, I was mostly comfortable. That is why I let it happen.

At one point, she even said "It seems like you are not sold on your divorce" I said, no I'm not. I don't believe in divorce and don't feel it is a solution to our marital problems. But that ball is in her court at this point, not mine. So I have to move on and live my life the way /I/ want to live it.

Honesty is a great approach. I wouldn't do it any other way if I was in your situation with this date. She knew you weren't single and available, so making the move was on her. All good. Yeh, live your life.

She might come around, she might not. I know that if you pursue her you have a way less chance of her coming around. Focus on you and become the best version of yourself you can possibly be. Plan your future as if it doesn't include her at all. As you said, live your life for you. If anything will bring her around, that'll do it. The upside is even if it doesn't, you won't care. Your life will be going just fine without her. The thing that impacts walk away's or wayward's that want out is to realize that their spouse doesn't need them, that they'll be just fine without them.

Good to know. I am trying to get over the guilt I feel. My red line in our marriage was infidelity. And in a way, this still feels like cheating, even though I know in reality it isn't. She said she has already divorced me in her heart. Only time and some good DB techniques will tell, I guess.