Hey Jmstl - I wanted to see if your extended family knows about the divorce? I want to be respectful of how I discuss it if anyone reaches out to me. Is it something you're okay with me telling someone if they ask? Or no?
Thanks!
ME:Some of them know about it, yes. I told my aunt. I have no personal reservations on who you can or cannot speak to or what you can or cannot say, as long as it is honest (which I know you will be).
Her: Ok. Thank you!
Now, I JUST talked to my cousin last night about the divorce. I get the feeling my cousin just reached out to her, and W is wondering how to respond.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Main complaints-I am not loving and nurturing in the way she needs. Main love language is quality time and words of affirmation. I would constantly affirm her. Quality time suffered as we started to grow apart, and cycled. I am working trying to be more loving and nurturing
Good you know what her needs are in terms of showing love and affection. When you say you are working on it, I am curious to know how you're doing it.
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Taking the lead is more difficult. In our discussions through the S, I have said “I want to take the lead on this”. She will say okay, and if it doesn’t get done immediately, she will do it herself.
Yeah in this problem there is a mismatch in what both people think is a reasonable time to get something done. I think this on this one you can make some improvements pretty fast. Is it a case of you forgetting or you need to be better organized? No doubt this is linked to you not having much motivation in the past - but as you're working on motivation, see how you can improve following through on things.
I can tell you that my W has this problem and it drives me bananas that it's not taken care of in a timely manner. For me it reinforced the feelings that she doesn't care, she is just not organized, she doesn't make this a priority. So, two cents from being on the other side on how your W might be looking at it.
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2-Health goals. Lose 30 lbs (down 20) Quit smoking-Smoked for 18 years. Stopped for a year. Restarted when S started due to stresss.
Awesome on the weight loss. I had the same issue with smoking, but I haven't stopped yet. It's on my immediate goals list.
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3-Health/Emotional goals-Learn to be loving and accepting of myself. To not be afraid to fail. To learn conflict resolution and assertiveness.
Same issues here. Have you explored it with IC yet? If not, do it. Hopefully your IC is good and they can help you figure out the root causes of this behaviour. Once you understand that, it will be easier to do a 180 on this.
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4-Walking, Fishing, writing. Walk every day Got a chromebook and hammered out 5 pages of a book
Fantastic. Been in a writing slump for years now and I just got started again - one of my goals for my happiness too. What are you working on - fiction/non-fiction; what genre?
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5-Try new craft beers-Going tonight to try some Kickboxing always seemed interesting-Signed up Monday Learn to program-Got a chromebook, and taking some classes on coding The insight timer I will look into
Craft beers are great. I am doing the same thing with single malt scotch. Kickboxing and programming are great too. Yes, check out insight timer and see if it's for you or not.
You're doing so good. You have tons of stuff for GAL and you're doing self-critical stuff. I guess what you need to start doing is seriously working on detachment. Benni put something on my wall and I am going to copy it for you in a new post. Really good stuff.
Keep at it! Your mind will balance out soon with consistent efforts on all DB fronts.
below From Benni8 - if you haven't read his sitch, do so from the beginning.
We want to fix things.. try to get through to them.. make them see our way. But in truth its controlling. There is nothing to fix.
When you fell in love in the past, the buzz was the risk. You were giving your feelings to someone you didnt really know. But they were giving it back to you. Point being is that you were you.. you werent DB'ing you were you and it was enough.
Same applies now. You are enough now. They have left because they arent happy. They arent getting what we gave them in the beginning. i.e. happy go lucky, fun times, laughs etc..
It became more organised... Because you think thats what grown ups do right?
But underneath they werent attracted to that.
You need to tap into you. What you were before. And as she did in the beginning your paths will come back together if you are right.
I want my mrs to come back when she has the 100% freedom and option to go elsewhere.
Thats where the "special in love feeling" comes from. knowing they chose you.
They cant chose you when you are scared confused, trying to get them back.
Take a deep breath, write down all the things you are thankful for having (even small stuff like having nice teeth/eyes!).
Even though it sounds hippy, it makes you realise that life could have been sh*t, in a wheelchair etc.. but it isnt for you, you have all the things you have, and all you have to do to potentially get your relationship back is just be yourself and let nature take its course!
Nothing to get strung up about is it? Chill out and be yourself.. stop living through them in any thought or action and you will be free.
Main complaints-I am not loving and nurturing in the way she needs. Main love language is quality time and words of affirmation. I would constantly affirm her. Quality time suffered as we started to grow apart, and cycled. I am working trying to be more loving and nurturing
Good you know what her needs are in terms of showing love and affection. When you say you are working on it, I am curious to know how you're doing it.
Trying to show more patience with my children. Just laughing more and relaxing. To try and put others first. Asking people if they need help, volunteering my time. To show compassion for others
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Taking the lead is more difficult. In our discussions through the S, I have said “I want to take the lead on this”. She will say okay, and if it doesn’t get done immediately, she will do it herself.
Yeah in this problem there is a mismatch in what both people think is a reasonable time to get something done. I think this on this one you can make some improvements pretty fast. Is it a case of you forgetting or you need to be better organized? No doubt this is linked to you not having much motivation in the past - but as you're working on motivation, see how you can improve following through on things.
I can tell you that my W has this problem and it drives me bananas that it's not taken care of in a timely manner. For me it reinforced the feelings that she doesn't care, she is just not organized, she doesn't make this a priority. So, two cents from being on the other side on how your W might be looking at it.
Part of it was motivation, but mostly she is extremely anal and organized. This was the big issue I have with her. If you want me to take the lead, then let me lead! But let me do it MY WAY!
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2-Health goals. Lose 30 lbs (down 20) Quit smoking-Smoked for 18 years. Stopped for a year. Restarted when S started due to stresss.
Awesome on the weight loss. I had the same issue with smoking, but I haven't stopped yet. It's on my immediate goals list. Same here. But with KB, I HAVE TO! I can't smoke and kickbox, no way!
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3-Health/Emotional goals-Learn to be loving and accepting of myself. To not be afraid to fail. To learn conflict resolution and assertiveness.
Same issues here. Have you explored it with IC yet? If not, do it. Hopefully your IC is good and they can help you figure out the root causes of this behaviour. Once you understand that, it will be easier to do a 180 on this.
Yes, I have been exploring this in IC. I actually walked out the last session pretty asseertive. Told the W, I want you to do this, I want that. I wasn't demanding, but I laid out what I wanted. She seemed mostly responsive. I tried to be assertive when we met with our pastor though, and it did not end well for me (This is where she said she did not want me as her husband anymore)
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4-Walking, Fishing, writing. Walk every day Got a chromebook and hammered out 5 pages of a book
Fantastic. Been in a writing slump for years now and I just got started again - one of my goals for my happiness too. What are you working on - fiction/non-fiction; what genre?
Three books, 2 fiction, 1 non fiction. The primary is the non fiction/memoir type that detail the struggles of infertility and having a baby, which will mostly track with our life, which now includes a divorce on the horizon.
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5-Try new craft beers-Going tonight to try some Kickboxing always seemed interesting-Signed up Monday Learn to program-Got a chromebook, and taking some classes on coding The insight timer I will look into
Craft beers are great. I am doing the same thing with single malt scotch. Kickboxing and programming are great too. Yes, check out insight timer and see if it's for you or not.
You're doing so good. You have tons of stuff for GAL and you're doing self-critical stuff. I guess what you need to start doing is seriously working on detachment. Benni put something on my wall and I am going to copy it for you in a new post. Really good stuff.
Keep at it! Your mind will balance out soon with consistent efforts on all DB fronts.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
I asked her this beginning of July. Reasons why W fell in love with me:
Desire to have a Family My intelligence My sense of humor My ability to not care what people thought about me.
Most of that has not changed. Except maybe the last 2 have dipped a bit, due to financial stress which led to my state of misery.
I think I mentioned in a previous thread. W had told a friend that she felt worthless bc she could never SEEM to make me happy. And she could not escape the feeling of worthlessness around me. But now she seems to be living it up. She doesn't know the NEW me.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Apparently she did talk to my cousin and this is part of what she said
We've been through this a few times before and it really is over. We're not compatible. I 100% believe this is the right thing to do. I will always love him, and the the best for him, and will do everything he needs from me as the kid's mom. I'm not a drama person, so I think and feel we're moving through this the best we can.
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Apparently she did talk to my cousin and this is part of what she said
We've been through this a few times before and it really is over. We're not compatible. I 100% believe this is the right thing to do. I will always love him, and the the best for him, and will do everything he needs from me as the kid's mom. I'm not a drama person, so I think and feel we're moving through this the best we can.
I'm afraid people will think I'm sort of heartless monster, when really it took a lot of courage for me to do what I see as healthiest for all of us.
Really? You think walking away and getting a divorce is really what is healthiest for all of us? Instead of saying, yeah, there are issues. Please let's work on them!
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Anyway, The real issue I take with that statement is the SHE decided what was best for HER, ME, and our children. We did not come to that decision together. SHE decided to leave and SHE decided leaving was better for ME
Married 9: Together 11 M:37 W:35 S:2 D:7 Bomb dropped 6/3/2017 W moved out 7/1/2017 Separation Filed: 8/1/2017 Modified to Divorce: 8/21/2017 Divorced: 10/5/2017
Anyway, The real issue I take with that statement is the SHE decided what was best for HER, ME, and our children. We did not come to that decision together. SHE decided to leave and SHE decided leaving was better for ME
Totally with you on this. Don't even take her statement seriously. She has to rationalize her decision and explain it to herself and others. She's in a place where it's all about HER. You have to let her ride out this process for herself. That's why DBing will create a situation where she will be second guessing herself.
She did make that decision and you had no control over it. It is a really $hitty feeling and loss of control plus rejection sends the LBS in a downward spiral. That's why DBing is so important for you and getting that control back and becoming empowered.
I know it $ucks knowing someone just made a decision for you and in your eyes gave you no chance to work on things.
The easiest way, even if it's not completely on the point, is to think the WAS is in a fog. It literally does not matter what she says NOW unless it is about problems you could fix in you. As someone has said, of course they state they are hungry when they are hungry. It does not mean they are always hungry. Things and feelings change. As long as you stay emotionally attached to her and to comments like these, you are limiting yourself from becoming the ultimate Jmstl.
The timeline of what you said is probably not realistic. Emotional burden does not just magically vanish, it requires time and showing changes requires consistency in order for them to be noticed. Small lasting changes will be noticed.
Consistency + time = changes she can believe in. Detach, GAL and reframe yourself from thinking the situation and every comment she says.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
