Thanks 25 You're right to be worried (about/for) me. I'm caught right on the line between thinking & feeling. Too much isolation and thinking; not enough doing & feeling. Which means I can feel my old life, feel the horror of the last two years but I can't feel the new life yet. You made me see that this is what GAL is about.
I had a suicide plan for Dec 12th. Mostly gone but it lurks. That was because I felt like I'd learned to survive but lost the ability to live properly as myself.
The bit you/me don't have to worry about is me changing my course now because my STBXH wobbles or whines. I've had enough of WTF. I know the difference between words and actions. I don't trust anything he says or does. Above all, he can't build what I need next - only I can.
Will report back in a week
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
And my parents would say that I'm worth more than this, and that although they love him too, his family have broken him and I mustn't let him break me.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I think loving him still keeps me stuck AND stops me feeling bitter that someone else took 20 years of my life and flushed it down the toilet.
how does it stop you from feeling bitter?
(I'm asking). And, if the last 2 years have $ucked as it seems (and the years from 2013 were not great for you either)
then count the 16-18 years as decent/good/very good
and the "transition" from those years to your new life, as crap,
and your new life is what you build from this day forward. That's not really erasing the whole 20 year m.
I have a feeling if you put yourself out there, you'll find far more reward than you even hope for.
Here is what my son (h's son too, but that's now how I feel at the moment)
said about my life and divorce, which perhaps applies to you. "Good riddance to lunacy. You are bound for so much more happiness than otherwise, I can't wait for you to see that."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"how does it stop you from feeling bitter?" I think I felt as if my H was rewriting my own memories and I resented it. It felt like if this was true today, then that was all a lie, that I'd been a fool and let someone con me. I don't want to feel that. I don't think it is true. Those aren't my memories. It felt too much to let him steal along with the present pain and a lost future I thought we'd share.
And your point about 16-18 years plus a crap transition to what next is a fair one. They were mostly very good years and I'm grateful for the love and joy we had.
"I have a feeling if you put yourself out there, you'll find far more reward than you even hope for." Well, I won't know unless I start, will I? And your son is right too. I absolutely say good riddance to lunacy which means saying good riddance to my STBXH too, doesn't it?
It is a shame we don't get a small MLC funeral service with sausage rolls and wine!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Oh, sweet Treasur, Please be kind to yourself right now. I feel your hurt coming right through my computer. As my D31 told me early on, "You need to do some radical self-care right now, Mom."
You hang in there. Every single day, it gets easier to look ahead and not behind. You may not feel it, but it's happening. Hugs!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I've gone to 4 in the past 5 weeks. (A good detective might notice a pattern...).
Maybe it's our age - losing parents mostly, with a few of our own age group. Lots of funerals later.
Maybe it means - All the more to Carpe Diem.
condolences Treasur
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It does, 25. It's going to be a bit rough because it is the same church, same graveyard and same hotel for the wake as my father's funeral 2 years ago. And then, hard as it was, my mother was on my right and my husband on my left.
But I suppose it makes me thing about love, and carpe diem, and the things that really matter and the things that don't. I miss my family but I am profoundly grateful for years of love and all those small moments that make a good life. How we honour each other as human beings. How kindness and grace matters so much even when it can't stop awful things happening to people. Maybe because it can't. How we are all connected so much more than we recognise day-to-day. How much each person matters.
I'm also reflecting on how far I have come in two years. In a year. I couldn't have gone a year ago because I would have felt too weak and too selfish in my own grief. But today I can see more than my own pain and that's a good healthy feeling.
So carpe diem indeed, the Latin for GAL...
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
