Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers After the Storm...

Oh, and finality...the truth is none of us know what will happen, good or bad. Just as I couldn't predict the horror that has happened to my beloved, or you for yours, doesn't mean that good unknowns can't happen too.

My leaning in to finality - and it helps because my H's behaviour is so obviously extreme and not about me - is a healthy survival choice after 2 years. Right now, based on what I can see, that is the calmest path forward. But I don't know what will happen in his life or mine, how can I? All we can do in chaos is focus on the next bit of safe ground to step on, and you're doing that.

Isn't it a weird and horrible feeling to have to pick through all the financial chaos as part of D? I don't regret loving my MLC H but I might regret marrying him at the moment, given the frankly extraordinary financial chaos he has created for both of us in the last 2 years. Fair to say that we were in much better order before he lost his marbles and started spending money he doesn't have on shiny things and presumably to impress OW! It's a bit shocking to see how he has trashed his life and will be left with virtually nothing...still, maybe that is part of life's rich lesson for him. It makes me realise that me doing the admin and budget during our M really kept us safe. He is spending money like a teenager without seeming to think about the consequences at all, literally on one's lawyers letter he said essentially "Oh yes, I took that money from the joint account and cashed in joint investments because I needed it even though I knew it would make me look bad." WTF! And "I know it was silly to throw a £3000 watch in the river but it's done now." and "Well, I don't consider my 2016 or 2017 bonus as marital resources because in my head the M was over..."

It is sad somehow that instead of fighting for healthy things like honesty and love and marriage, we're left fighting over stolen watches, pensions and chess tables. (Well, I'm not fighting other than standing my ground sensibly, but my MLC H has taken himself to the edge of personal bankruptcy and is full of lies and shame because of things he's done that are now forced into the light by the process.)

Big lesson for anyone new to MLC land - which I've only partially been able to do - your MLCer will spend money like a child. No matter how responsible or honest they were before, they will spend, steal and lie and often forget what they have even done with the money. Please balance your heart with your financial head as soon as you can.

... he threw your watch in the river?

Do you think he'd have been this irresponsible if you weren't paying bills and budgeting? Or is it totally new/coinciding with the MLC?

It's interesting to me that he has to put all these things in writing. Perhaps that was the reason for the delay: avoidance due to shame?

Nope, new MLC version only...

I think it was probably shameful for him when the divorce process meant he had to show things he'd hidden and that was maybe part of his procrastination, rather than a remnant of feeling for me.

I only found out about the watch yesterday. He is so frightened of going to Court that he forwarded an email from a month ago he had sent to his L. My L has been chasing the issue for 6 months and he has ignored the question until he did his "well, it's done" response. He stole the watch from the house in November 2016, same watch - if not the same man - that he saved up for a year to buy me for my 50th birthday and cried when he gave it to me because he wanted me to look at something every day that would remind me I was treasured...I simply have no idea what emotions could have made him throw £3000 worth of watch into a river shortly after filing for D. Makes no sense, and certainly not a happy place! Tbh, I'd assumed he'd pawned it or given it to OW...anyway it will now cost him £3500 to buy a replacement which my L is insisting on.

The email to his L is an interesting insight into an MLC head actually. Struggles with dates, says he can't remember a lot of things including his own previous employment pension! Lot of lies and half-truths, and a tone which is partly self-pitying and partly full of entitlement.

Hi Treasur

Wow that's a real insight and even though I'm new into this I can totally concur the financial element. I think because I have the kids I have really focused on this element and separating him from myself financially. I know he's already in debt which he hasn't been from a year into our R when I took on the finances. And lies OMG he lies about everything and is completely rubbish at it.

SJ x

Right now (painful as it is) I'm using his newly-emerged impatience to get D finalised and not go to Court to get him to agree and action things that protect me. I think when they are full of vim about OW/new life etc, combined with MLC stupidity, you can probably get them to sign off on things that are not good for them if you strike at the right moment.

My heart is breaking though because I'm disassembling things we built together...the bank account we first set up to pay for our wedding...and having to realise that my STBXH is so keen to see the back of me that he will agree to almost anything.

It is so horribly painful and there is nothing I or anyone else can say that will take that pain away. You have done so well though given the other grief you have had to deal with at the same time. If you can avoid it going to court then that, from a financial point of view would be best wouldn't it?

SJ x

Sometimes I just want to cry...I've no idea how this became my life. Or what I did to deserve such horrible and comprehensive rejection by someone who loved me. Press on through the pain in hope of only having to do it once, right?

Why do you think MLCers hate us so strongly?

Hi. This is my first post, although I have been reading this site for over four years. I just wanted to say to you that you are not alone. My situation is very similar and I think I truly understand and can empathise with you and your situation. You, OwnIt and I could have quite the chinwag.

Not to highjack but to give background, my husband was a vanisher to the best of his ability since first OW was discovered in 2013. Always maintained some contact and twice had some hope set that he was leaving the tunnel. Have come to the conclusion that he is too weak or cowardly to do the work to fight his demons and, out of the blue, he stealthily filed for divorce January of this year. He has been dragging his feet and either has a bad lawyer or dumb a "dumb as a fox" lawyer while husband is either burying his head in the sand or just lying to me while thinking he is clever. After his lawyer avoiding mine and the exchange of financial info., and not sending in writing agreeing to not file for Divorce Absolut until financial agreement is in place, I got the Divirce Nisi in the mail. Now heading to mediation appt to protect myself.

I, too, am struggling with my old husband vs. Imposter or, my new theory, my real husband who couldn't keep up the charade of being nice and loving any longer and maybe MLC husband is the real husband. I do understand the reluctance to admit there is that tiny sliver of hope. This seems to be the only place to let that vulnerability show with others who totally get it. I feel once I let go of that sliver the door will slam shut forever. I hope I am not being presumptuous in relating my situation and feelings to yours. Maybe I should start my own thread but feel like now my marriage is winding down and is on its last legs it would not benefit others.

You are an inspiration to me and I think you are handling things really well. I think our situations are in the minority on here because we have been hanging on for so long and it is difficult for people to understand that the situation is so fluid. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your story.


Me 54. H 49 MLC/WAH
T-2004 M-2005
No kids
BD 6/13 ILYBN h moves out
OW 4/13
2ndOW 11/13 on and off but still on. Overlap with first. Can't be alone.