Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis New here, really need advice

Amy,

Do you recall what happened 18-24 months prior to H ?

(Can you sleep/eat ? please take good care.
It's a journey and you will survive !)

Hi all -

Last week, my H had once again withdrawn sex & affection from me, and I was losing my mind, basically. We had a discussion, I think it was last Tuesday, when he told me that when we first started having sex again after he broke it off with the OW, that it was better than it was before, probably the best it'd ever been. I agreed. He said that he stopped because it felt empty emotionally. I said that was because he refused to do anything our counselor recommended to rebuild either trust or intimacy after his affair. He wouldn't say whether or not he was willing to work on the relationship with me, at all. This is the 3rd time he has decided, on his own without any discussion or any attempt to fix whatever was wrong, to withhold sex & physical affection from me.

I couldn't take anymore. At all. My best friend and her family were going out of town for the next week, and had asked my son - 18 - if he'd house sit for them. I asked my son if he minded if I house sat instead. I told him I needed to time to myself. He knows that DH and I were having trouble.

I haven't spoken or texted my husband since that night, last Tues. I was home W, TH & F. I ignored him unless he asked me a direct question. I packed my things for the week Saturday morning and left without a word. I don't know if this is what I should be doing. Nothing else is working. I felt like he needs to know that I'm serious. This isn't acceptable. I am not his punching bag. He cannot play with my love and emotions like this.

Our son is going off to college in Chicago in 3 weeks. I'm not sure how much to tell him, or how to act around H while we're all together. When we move him in, the day before my birthday, we're also going to parent orientation stuff for 3 days up there. How do I handle that? I'm already a wreck. I'm so excited for DS, but I feel like my entire world is blowing up.

This has to be the hardest thing I've ever done. It's nice being on my own, but I miss them both terribly.

Amy,

Please stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. You can change the subject line within a thread.

I am also linking your thread over in Newcomers:

Newbie - general question & story

Hi Tough call

hopefully some may chime in

If it were me with my kids I would not say much about H instead just focus on S
new adventure in college--If he asks I would also keep it neutral since you really don't know what is happening

as far as H--Mlcer behavior is like this..they are sometimes close then sometimes far
depending on their moods and or what else they are into
I could tell you My XH was never physical with me after Bomb but he would share more emotionally and we were friends until the D..I watched him go back and forth with wanting to talk to me, dropping by the house a lot and also not communicating at all
they are confused men

AS far as your actions to leave home with no words--you can see how it goes
if XH seems more or less distant by your actions
MY DB coach told me back them to do behaviors that creat e closeness
but sometimes nothing and no strategy will really work on. a mlcer
many trial and error

I had to practicing faking it a lot with XH to get through the beginning stages to see where/what/who he would choose--

hang in

Your h is being his passive-aggressive self, as well as emotionally playing games w/your head, heart and soul when he withdraws sex & affection. If he does it, then ignore his sorry @ss and don't allow him to see that his behavior is driving you nuts. When he sees your knickers in a twist, he knows that he's got a way to control you and also knows he can use that same tactic time and again. He is manipulating and controlling you by acting this way. Change it up and act like it doesn't bother you not to get sex and attention. When he starts to see it doesn't bother you, maybe, just maybe, he'll change his tune.

Also, your h is "shopping/comparing" you and your sex life to that of the ow. They get on this euphoric sex-a-rama kick for a bit and then go back to the way that they were.

I would have as little as possible to do w/him. If he speaks to you, answer him in a civil manner, but don't go searching for him to have discussions about anything. Treat him as you would a delivery guy. Smile, nod, answer questions, but don't over extend yourself.

Have you read any books on the passive-aggressive behavior? If not, you need to get to the library this week and check some out.

You are going to have to be a darn good actress to get through the moving in of your son and the parent orientation, after that, come home and beat the stuffing out of pillows, scream or find something physical to do.

Here is a link to the recommended reading material thread. I recommend getting a book on passive-aggressive behavior written by Scot Wetzler. He's a great writer and the info is excellent.

Recommended Reading Material

Thanks. I haven't been on a forum like this in ages. Sorry about the multiple posting.

Is this a conscious manipulation on his part? I've read a little bit about passive-aggression, but not recently. I'm trying to get thru Divorce Remedy & Divorce Busting while I'm out of the house. I can only read in small bursts, though. It's so painful. I'll be home tomorrow to go with my son to the doctor, and take the dog to the vet. My son's coming back with me for the night. I'm trying to send a message to my husband - this is what it will be like. I will not be your friend, because I won't. He seems to think that we'll still be best friends even if we're not married.

I'm pretty sure that he's trying to push me into asking for a divorce so he won't be the bad guy. No, I KNOW that's what he's doing. I won't allow that. He'll have to be the one to end it. Period.

Babe -

Yes. Last year, my husband moved into a different department at work at got a promotion into the next level in management, which came with a 30% pay raise. He'd been at this company a few years. Six months before he'd finished his master's degree. Our son started his senior year in high school. He and I went to several schools that spring, and he pretty much decided on a school in Chicago. We're in the St. Louis area. His step-father, who's 85, began showing major symptoms of dementia.

That's all I can remember right now. I'm sure there's more, but those are the biggies.

I really should give a fuller history. I've mainly been describing things as they've been for the last year.

I've been very sick off and on, mostly on, for the last 11 years. I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma in 2001, went through chemo, and came out the other side. It was h@ll. Our son was 18 months old at the time. I gained quite a bit of weight while on chemo and after. I worked full time in IT from 1995-2006 when I started having severe chronic pain. The next 3 years were absolute hell on earth. No one could figure out what was wrong with me. It started suddenly 6/06, and I was unable to work by 8/06. I had exploratory surgery, and was in and out of the hospital, on very strong opioids for the first time. I don't remember most of this very well. It was pelvic and abdominal pain. I couldn't walk. I couldn't sit. I couldn't stand. It. Was. H@ll. The loss of my income and medical bills ruined us financially. We lost our house and had to declare bankruptcy. We moved in with H's parents for 6 months.

My OB/GYN decided that I most likely had convinced(endo inside the uterus) and endometriosis. They did a hysterectomy, but left my ovaries & tubes. I was 35. We wanted more children, but I had been convinced that I was infertile since the chemo. The surgery didn't affect my pain levels.

In 09/08, I had a tumor show up on a CT of my chest. They had to go in and remove it. Thankfully, it wasn't malignant. That was probably the worst surgery I've had. Getting your chest cracked is no joke.

I applied for Social Security Disability. It took 4 years to get approved. Once I was approved and on Medicare, our finances stabilized. All this time, my pain was still uncontrolled. I was severely depressed. I thought of committing suicide many, many times. I had to give my pain meds to my H to lock up so I wouldn't take them all at once. The only reason, and I mean that, the ONLY reason I am still here is my son.

Three years ago. my pain doctor implanted a morphine pump in my abdomen. That finally brought the pain mostly under control. It's still there, and some days are much worse than others, but I'm better.

Last year, I really withdrew in response to H's changes in personality etc. I was severely depressed again. I'd not leave the house for days. I've been far from perfect and have major issues myself. When he dropped that bomb on me last January, I realized how much I had withdrawn into a shell myself. I snapped out of it. Got up every day, no matter how I felt. We went out together a lot. Started having sex again. I made sure I was doing as much as I could around the house, cleaning, meals etc. I'm taking several classes, to see if I can go back to work again.

I'm telling about this because it matters. There's been so much time spent in more of a caregiver relationship. I've been so focused on his actions and behavior in my posts so far. I've tried to make the changes I could for the valid issues he raised. Sorry about writing a book.

Amy

Amy,

Thank you for sharing and I'm very sorry that your health hasn't been the best for a long time. Hopefully, in time, you will begin to feel better. Stress does play a role in some of your health issues because you have been very worried about the finances, etc. If, at all possible, find ways to relieve that stress, even if it is a simple walk to a park and sitting on a bench to enjoy the view.

Your h had some triggers, new department, new job and son going off the school, as well as he fits in the age range of wanting to re-evaluate his life.

Now, I want to point out something that you stated at the end of your last posting...you are trying to make the changes that he has pointed out. What were those changes and did they make sense? The reason that I am asking is that MLCers tend to point out things that we need to change and those changes are like moving targets. Once you've made those changes, he/she will come up w/new ones, etc. Make changes for YOU! If you are happy w/the changes you are making in your life, then good...but be sure you are happy w/them.

Please take are of yourself and I know that this is difficult, but put the focus back on you and your son. You need to take care of yourself and worrying about him isn't going to help you heal.

Amy

Hi

Im sorry for all your health challenges

In DB it is suggested that we get a life and it sounds like you are doing the right things..taking classes getting back to work taking care of yourself

Am I reading correct to say H was a caregiver?

Maybe see how things go as you become more fun and avail for his needs
definitely not easy because we are hurting so bad
get some extra support
there are many women who have been thru this and 12 step programs like Coda or alanon

If it is true MLC-they really change-they go through this mental illness like thinking
they question their lives,,they see they are aging
they want fun..the LBS is holding them back ect..

it is suggested that MLC may be unresolved past issues-so it is something they have to work through and heal their childhood and there is no easy way through it
MLC can take years

best advise is to start taking really good care of yourself
use the journey as an opportunity to heal your wounds and grow so you can become your best and find happiness
to be there for our kids..so they have the stability of an available parent


hang in