Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers ILYBNILWY part 4

For the love of...

STBXW called me today to inform me that she has decided that our daughter will be changing schools and living with her during the week. I told her that she didn't get to make unilateral decisions about where our daughter lived and went to schoolm and she stated that since she gave birth to her, she could indeed do that.

She called back later and stated that she had talked to our daughter about this, and she was OK with it, but she would prefer to live with me during the school year and with her during the summer, and if I would have my lawyer draw up a new parenting plan reflecting this, she would not change her school.

I declined to make any decisions in an emotional state. I feel like I'm being blackmailed with our daughter.

You're right, that's exactly what she's doing. Please remember that your W might not be telling the truth about how your daughter feels too...tough because she's so little.

Breathe. Think about what you believe is best for your D right now. Think about what you want. Talk to your L.

Call your lawyer immediately and see if you can get some sort of temporary order that would prevent her from making changes like moving the child or registering at a school that is not agreed upon. She's doing this because she managed to delay the custody order and she's now making changes in the interim that will impact your rights to your daughter.

It is incredibly difficult to undo actions like this one once they are done. Do not just sit back and hope it gets better. Protect your rights as the father of this kid, now. Spend the money to drop the hammer on her shenanigans or you will regret it for the rest of your life.

She's starting to show signs of potentially being an alienator, East. I'm so sorry. This is using the child as a weapon to score points against you by showing you that she's placing herself in charge and you don't get a say.

This is sick and cruel behavior and I hope you see that. She doesn't care about D, she cares about winning and hurting you. Do not trust anything she implies to you about behaving/accepting her unilateral decisions "for the good of the child." That's what she hopes you do because then she can take actions you won't be able to undo.

I was also alarmed to read the part about her describing you as yelling and screaming when that didn't actually take place, and that she was scared.

Do not be alone inside a structure without adult witnesses with this woman, and consider a voice activated recorder (local laws permitting) to protect yourself from false accusations.

Better to be prepared than sorry if false accusations of abuse are her next step. I see signs she may be headed that way, especially if you're able to successfully stop her from taking your daughter.

I called my lawyer the second I got off the phone with her (which was, of course, after business hours) and sent an email following up later last evening. The "fun" part of all of this is that in the county she resides in, TODAY is the first day of school rather than tomorrow, she it's possible that D is already at school right now.

I have no illusions about what is happening here, nor do I have any intention of allowing it to. It does not escape me that I wasn't allowed to talk to my daughter until today, and that she specifically asked for this week to spend with D.

Good for you! I'm happy you see what's happening here and want to take a stand.

At least your ex isn't too smart, since she's giving away her playbook with her comments to you.

"I'm the one who gave birth to her": she wants to contest that you're D's parent or have any right to make decisions for her

"I felt scared": I'm thinking about accusing you of violence.

"I'm registering her at another school": She's doing this to try to make sure D is with her during the weeks, which would mean more overnights, which would mean more support from you.

Can you register D for the school previously agreed to? If W wants to play dirty, then you can get dirty.

If this isn't able to be undone, could you still do 50/50 with D registered at the other school, or would you have to move?

D is already registered for school at home. She even has her class assignment. The wrinkle is that she is supposed to be at the first day of school tomorrow for an official registration day (attendance taken, etc) and I don't know what happens if she doesn't show.

I believe she is absolutely after money. She still doesn't want to work, and the support I am giving her runs out at the end of this month. I don't think that a court will look fondly on what she's doing here, so I expect it can be undone if she follows through on her threat. I haven't heard from L yet, but her office told me not to worry and that this actually improves our case.

No, 50/50 isn't feasible. We live about 35 minutes apart which doesn't work for school purposes. When I asked for the one weekend a month in the parenting plan, I offered to let W keep her two Sunday nights a month in exchange for the time, and she could take her to school on Monday mornings. She absolutely refused saying it wasn't fair to her to have to drive 40 minutes to school in the morning.

Call the school and ask to speak to the principal or VP or something, explain what is going on, and that you'd hate for D to lose her spot if she's not there. Offer to come by yourself.

No need to protect STBX from her choices, and if it means the school administration knows, then so be it.



Yes, someone must have whispered in her ear that the prior plan meant she'd likely be paying you.



Good.

Prior plan DID mean she'd be paying me, but we did our best to come up with a justification to waive that, and expected the judge to approve. It wasn't a lot of money, and I didn't feel it was in my daughter's best interest to put that burden on her mother.

I actually did call school today and verify that her mother didn't try to withdraw her, and was told that she was still expected tomorrow.

D is home and will be going to school tomorrow as planned. I don't know what happened, but my mother in law called me as I was driving home from work and asked when I was picking her up. I could hear STBXW yelling in the background that I had to come between 6:30-7:00, which didn't work for me on no notice. MIL had no problem with my 7:30-8:00 timeframe, but STBXW was yelling that wasn't acceptable. MIL eventually yelled (like seriously YELLED) at her to shut the hell up.

I'm beginning to think that STBXW has something seriously wrong with her. I got D's backpack back, but none of the school supplies that were supposed to be sent to school with her tomorrow. I sent a text asking about those, we had a brief conversation, and she ended it with:

"D needs a simple phone because I'm not supposed to have any contact with you and you keep on. Just so you can get me in trouble. It's not ok and is not right of you."

Anybody have any experience with this? How the heck am I supposed to be getting her in trouble talking about our kid? And she could call me last night and tell me she was deciding that D lived with her now and that was ok? I understand a lawyer saying, "don't have any unnecessary contact" but this makes it sound like I have a restraining order against her or something and I'm trying to bait her into violating it.

Go, MIL?

East, things must be really bad if MIL is not supporting her daughter and wants her to give D to you. This is odd behavior for a MIL. Are things safe for D?



It's possible. Look up Cluster B personality disorders and see if any of those ring a bell. You'd never be able to diagnose her and you'd never want to tell her (if she does have one she'd never seek treatment anyway.) I tell you to read for your own research. If one sounds familiar, you may be able to understand triggers in advance to help yourself. That's the only reason I tell you.

There are books on divorcing/shared custody with high conflict exes. I can't recommend any for you here but they're out there.



East, what does that mean? That's the second time she's referred to her not having contact with you. Why is she saying she's not supposed to have contact with you? Is she dreaming up some sort of imaginary no contact/order of protection?

Can you ask MIL?

You are supposed to be co (or parallel) parenting with W, so why is she saying she can't talk to you? She's going to need to. D is only 6, and parents will have to coordinate her care.

It's important to know what she means.



Send W an email asking what she means when she says she's not supposed to be talking to you and what that means for parenting? Tell her that you are not aware of any legal measures that have been taken that would prevent co-parenting D, and you are concerned about this statement for D's sake.

(Email, do not call. In contentious/high conflict cases, phone calls are risky because there is no documentation coming out of them. Switch to written communication as much as possible to avoid "he said/she said"s particularly when your ex has shown signs of wanting to cut you out of the picture.)

If she won't answer, ask MIL.

Most of all, talk to your L about this strange statement by W. Also, I hope your L knows about W's statement about being "scared of you" because of the yelling she said you did (but didn't actually happen.) This is a woman trying to set you up and hopefully your L has dealt with ugliness like this before.

Also document dates and times of things your W does. Like keeping D until the evening and withholding the school supplies. This is annoying for you, but would cause D to be the one to suffer. Take note of things like this as it could help your case. (And need I tell you that you should be sending emails? "W, D arrived the night before school with none of the school supplies that were already purchased for her. I am afraid of what this will do to her, as surely she will be embarrassed on the first day of school. East.")

I am so happy D is with you and can start school in the district she is supposed to be in.