Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAS wanting to move across the world - help

Am feeling down today and a little hopeless. Having fun with the kids and keeping busy, but feeling a little overwhelmed by the feeling that I won't be able to bring her back to me and it really hurts.

She took so much stuff with her and only seems to be able to talk about next year and having her own place.

Anyone have any thoughts or tips on how to get through these blues?

So W arrived abroad with the baby. She contacted me from the airport (due to the time difference). I let her speak to the kids and then cut the conversation short and wished her well.

I miss her!!!

So, we've not spoken much. We had a video call with the kids and we didn't speak apart from hi/bye.

She just texted me (jetlag, so she isn't sleeping), and we had a few messages about the kids and she complimented me. I didn't let it go on for long, though I wanted it to.

So, I seem to be writing to myself, but it kind of helps too, though would love to get some feedback.

Our conversations are now brief and functional, she speaks to the kids - asks me how I am, I smile and say great and ask her how she is and that's it.

Though I keep having her words from a few days ago reverberate. She was asking me why I would want to be with her when I could go and be with someone who would really love me.
Is this also common?

Just feeling helpless.

I've been reading some of the other threads and see so many of the same patterns. Sadly, for some reason, most of the threads seem to end in D - at least from the ones I have read.

My W is still speaking to me every day, mainly to speak to the kids. I am all smiles and we are warm and polite, but very brief. I then feel crushed after every call. She looks beautiful and happy while I feel just broken.

I am trying to GAL, but don't really have any friends in this country (have never been a really social animal). Any of the friends I do have are also friends with my W or at least their wives are.

Any suggestions how to do this?

I still miss her everyday. I'm trying to 180 as much as I can over many thousands of miles.

I have friends coming round tonight with their kid to have dinner and let the kids play. The mother of the other kid is a very good friend of my W and in constant touch with her. Should I say something or just be all smiles (as long as I can hold it in place anyway).

Feeling very lonely on this board - could really use some advice/support please.

I would not say anything to the mother of the other kid. You are going to put on a smile, put some nice clothes on and act strong like you are doing great! You never know if this friend will report back to your W.

Do you have any interests? Do you work out? Run? Play any sports? Hobbies? What are you doing to help yourself?

Hi Joseph9,

Thanks so much for replying, nice to hear from someone!

I will put my best smile on tonight then - this mother will definitely be reporting back to my W. My W on the call this morning told me that she had spoken to this mother and knows she's coming round today!

To be honest, my interests are my family, my work and reading. No real hobbies, haven't had time.
I am going to the gym each day and have lost a fair bit of weight (lots more to go though).
I feel good for a bit and then crushed after every call. Then, in the evenings, after I have put the kids to bed, I just get really down and lonely.

___________
M: 46, W: 39
Together 20: Married 16
S:9, S:7, D:5, D:1
BD: 7/4/2017
Separation - 7/20/2017 (though still in the same house)

Ok cool....fake it until you make it!!! Make sure you look good tonight, the house is clean, and you are upbeat, friendly and enjoying life. Don't get sucked into any R talks with this other woman. If she asks just say you are doing good and enjoying going to the gym and catching up my reading. Leave it at that. I would also recommend not asking her any questions about your W either. You and your W and your sitch are off limits, keep it light and general but that you are doing good. If you need to cry......wait until she leaves

Keep going to the gym, try reading some self-help books on male leadership, being an alpha male, etc. I also listen to podcasts as well on what it means to be a man. I do this to help with my self-confidence. Get some new clothes whatever you need to do be confident. Try to keep your mind occupied, it's hard and I still struggle with it!

I would also think about if there is anything new and different you can do with your kids. That way when they talk to their mom maybe they will say what fun things they have been doing with their daddy! Additionally think about any other interest you may have that you didn't pursue while you were married and being a father. Guitar? Cooking classes? Basket Weaving? Anything to get out.

Hi whywhy,
Sorry I haven't responded. So many new people coming to the board, and trying to keep up with each one is challenging. I just wanted to reach out and encourage you. I know it's so hard, especially in the early parts of this, and when you see your W appearing to be so totally OK without you.

One thought I had was- I'm not sure when you are speaking about the calls from her to the kids- are you face-timing? B/C when you say I do it with a big smile, etc. The talking to her seems to be a trigger for you to go into sad mode, so maybe suggest to her that she text you when she's ready to talk to the kids, and then let them answer the phone or face time or whatever, and you don't interact with her at all on these calls.

It may be hard for you to give up that contact with her, but if it makes you spiral downward, it may be something to consider. Just tell her you'd rather than talk to her, but will be glad to set it up for the kids. But say it in a very upbeat way, just kind of- I've got too much going on and don't really have anything to say to you, but I'm happy to provide the chat time for the kids and her.

Just my 2 cents. Hang in there. It really does get easier.

Thanks Joseph9 - you helped me out alot as to how to handle this evening.

I am all dressed up and waiting for the guests - wearing clothes that I wouldn't have fit into 4 weeks ago!

I will avoid any R talk - though this woman is really close to my wife - but will avoid it.

I am going to the gym every day, it's a great outlet for me and am reading alot, but mainly relationship books.

Am keeping the kids entertained all the time, so they are over the moon!

Thanks again for the support