Great job, and I know you're happy to not have this all looming over you anymore. You handled it like a boss. Hope you had fun!
BTW, in my opinion what's best for YOU is what's best for the boys. You are the backbone of their childhood and the source of their emotional security and strength. Their interests and your interests can not be opposed as long as you are not acting out of vengeance or anger.
Keep moving forward!!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Yes Maybell, I have to take care of me too so I am trying to take what's best for me into consideration too.
We just got home, had a great time! I ended up taking the baby with and the drive there (an hour and a half away) had me questioning my decision because the last 20 minutes he was not happy but he did great. We ended up being seated in the same section (out of 35000 people) with a big group of friends (a bunch of other couples H and I hang out with). So that was fun seeing all of them... was slightly wishing I was there childless like they were pounding some beers haha
H text me to thank me for the ticket and that he was about 10 minutes away, I didn't reply. He got there and I didn't realize the only empty seat was next to me so when he went to sit down I asked S6 to switch seats with me. We didn't talk or exchange words but I was happy and talkative with my dad,the boys and our friends.
There was a semi awkward moment when one of the dad's came up to H and was like so how is everything? everything going great at home with the new baby (he doesn't know anything) and H stumbled on his words because I think he thought he was caught and that I ratted him out. Once he realized the guy didn't know he was fine but I was laughing to myself at how he was like uhh what? huhh ummm
H went his separate way and asked the boys to come with, they declined. Both the boys passed out on the way home. My dad and I talked a bit, we both love to talk, and he said H is so delusional. He said how he tries to get in on our conversation and make talk about the stadium,etc. H and I usually take the boys to many games at that stadium throughout the season for the last 3 years, so we have a lot of fun memories there.
But ya, I think I did well today. I was a person that really in this moment doesn't care what he was doing. He was texting next to me pictures to people and I didn't even care to look over to see who it was... I just almost feel sorry for him... Not quite there yet but I look at this life we have and how lucky we are for all the things we have and our boys and our friends and think wow it's really that bad that it's worth giving up.
Hoping I can keep this up, but who knows. One day at a time.
Thank you for everyone's help with handling this situation
Nice, T. You did it. You put up appropriate boundaries without anger.
Note how H was trying to be nice to you by thanking you for the ticket. You created distance and, as a result, he took a step closer. There might just be something to that pursuit/distance concept, huh?
This is the dynamic we've been trying to describe to you. However, don't expect it as a short term solution and don't expect it to be consistent. We've got an eye on the long term, and so should you. Do not be surprised that every time H takes a step toward you he self-corrects, afterward. Don't worry about it. Expect it, and keep an eye on the long term.
Honestly, I cannot recommend the book mentioned in the pursuit/distance thread to you enough. There's about a 10 page description of the dynamic that would be very helpful for you to read.
You are dropping the rope, and while you don't care about his choices, you can still love him and observe him from a distance while you emotionally protect yourself.
To top it all off, H experienced many natural consequences of his choices last night. He had to drive himself, he didn't get to sit next to you as if everything were fine, he faced awkward situations with others where he had to understand how his choices might look to other people (if only for a moment), and his sons didn't want to ride home with him. He's getting a taste of the reality of his choices.
I don't know that he came closer at all even just for the thank you. Like I said I didn't rely to the text. He didn't say goodnight to me in front of the kids last night which is fine and after reading what Sandi said I decided not to. Just funny how he can say it to me when we're here alone and the boys aren't here -- it's just that it's on his terms. Everything he does is when it benefits him.
He also the past two days has been gone when we wake up. As I think I may have mentioned yesterday. Up until this weekend every weekend he had asked/or told me he had to work or had plans and made sure I didn't have any to watch the boys while he was gone. Now he just leaves early in the morning comes back whenever he feels like it without the courtesy of asking about the kids. So he's just removing himself further and further.
T it does get easier. The further you get from being beaten down every day the stronger your self esteem gets. The stronger your self esteem gets, the less you want to put up with someone treating you badly and the more you detach and stand up for yourself. You are doing great and everyone here is so proud of you!!
T- here's another pattern for you. We praise you for your success, and instead of feeling pride, you dismiss it by talking about proof that what you did didn't make any difference at all via H's actions.
This is extremely unlikely to resolve in the short term. Please stop expecting success to mean that it will resolve in the short term. That leads to expectations and disappointment on your part (and also an inability to be proud of yourself for what you did accomplish.)
Quote:
I don't know that he came closer at all even just for the thank you.
Again, I urge you to get that book and read it. You don't seem to grasp what pursuit and distance look like.
H has been angry and silent toward you, and after you put up boundaries that did not let him cake-eat, he stepped toward you by sending you a polite text that he did not have to send.
Instead, you dismiss that and then dissect his behavior and what it all "means." T, I just said that after coming closer, he will self-correct. That's what he did. This does not erase your progress as long as you remain consistent in your rope-dropping and distancing actions.
Please stop yourself from dissecting and comparing, because these represent your unproductive anxious spiral. We've been over it a thousand times - allowing yourself to sit in dissection/prediction mode is very unhealthy and unproductive for your goals. It doesn't protect you; it harms you. It keeps you stuck, anxious, and unable to advocate for yourself without anger.
Instead, cut yourself a break and think about only you. Think about how you can apply what you succeeded at last night to this entire dynamic: calm boundary setting without anger. Think about how nice that will feel that you'll be standing up for what you deserve. We know you want H back, but he's not available to you right now. So what's the best Option B that you can dream up? You're going to build an Option B life, while remaining open to the possibility of Option A.
P.S. Get that book, read it, and stop your dissecting/soothsaying right now, or I might have to hunt you down and give you a disapproving look through your kitchen window
I'm not one who is into posting lyrics that much, however, I hope the ones below will inspire you as you take back your power.
I am woman, hear me roar In numbers too big to ignore And I know too much to go back an' pretend 'Cause I've heard it all before And I've been down there on the floor No one's ever gonna keep me down again [Chorus:] Oh yes I am wise But it's wisdom born of pain Yes, I've paid the price But look how much I gained If I have to, I can do anything I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible) I am woman You can bend but never break me 'Cause it only serves to make me More determined to achieve my final goal And I come back even stronger Not a novice any longer 'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul [Chorus] I am woman watch me grow See me standing toe to toe As I spread my lovin' arms across the land But I'm still an embryo With a long long way to go Until I make my brother understand Oh yes I am wise But it's wisdom born of pain Yes, I've paid the price But look how much I gained If I have to I can face anything I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible) I am woman Oh, I am woman I am invincible I am strong I am woman I am invincible I am strong I am woman
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hope you had fun! 