Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

holding,

Yes, find and retain a lawyer as soon as possible. If nothing else, it sends the message that you're willing to do what needs to be done.

I have learned from my sitch when my wife slept in D11's room a couple nights last week that it is not your job to explain to your S14 why mom slept in different room. All I said was I went to bed before mom and didn't know where she slept, go ask her.
I will pray for your kids as well, I hate that my WW/WAS is only thinking about herself right now, it takes both parents to raise children and the person who I thought I knew is no longer around. This alien of a person is now in my life attempting to be a parent that is failing miserably at what she used to be very good at. Sad!!!

holding,

Yes, the experience is surreal and the children are truly innocent victims. Hang in there, it will get better.

For me, when it became clear that we were going to separate and that things were going to get worse before they got better, my brain kicked everything up a notch or two or ten. I was the bad @ss from h3ll. When my wife would start into her spew, I'd give her one of those Samuel L. Jackson type speeches and she knew with certainty that I wasn't f*cking around.

Since the divorce, I'm not as much of a bad @ss anymore, but it's nice to know that part of me is there when I need it.

Thanks doodler and dusty!

Dusty, thanks for your offer of prayer. It really is sad that W is doing this to our kids.

Doodler, did your bad @ss personality make it more difficult for the D process? Did W try to use that against you?

She said something about 60 days. Does she plan to stay there 60 days until the D is final? Since the kids will be getting the talk in a few days, my suggestion is to act as if you are in-house separated. I do not believe in-house S works successfully to reconcile a MR, but if she's just staying there until the time runs out.......then yes, go for it. She has removed herself from the MBR (which will help you detach better).

Don't engage with her in any more family fun activities. Give the boys as much attention as possible, but don't join her in family outings.......and should she ask if she can go along for activities you've planned with the boys, tell her that it's for guys only. Also, have GAL times without them, and of course....tell her no details about your GAL.

If she sends a text, don't respond unless she ask a direct question, or you believe it warrants a response. Learn to use no more than a half-dozen words in a text. Don't fall for her temp checking. Don't engage in conversations with her. Distant yourself from her as much as possible. The only time to engage in a family activity would be having dinner at home. If it is custom for you, W, and sons to eat dinner together around the table, then I would continue, but I would not go out to eat together.

Some H's won't do this, so be your own judge........ cut back on helping her with things that use to fall under the job description of husband, especially if she "expects it" or shows any negative attitude. Don't rescue her. Let her be independent. If she relies on you for certain tasks, she needs to learn how to do them without you. Don't let her guilt you or talk down to you.

If you have not secured your part of the money, do it immediately. Do not trust her to not empty the checking and/or savings account. Talk to a someone about protecting your retirement plan and any other sources she'll try to get a hunk of it. IDK, may determine where you live if she can get a percentage. Anyway, protect what you can.

holding,

My attitude was very helpful during the divorce. I was confident and I couldn't intimidated by anyone (except Cadet). For me, the separation and divorce was mostly pleasant and serene. There wasn't much spew from my wife, the OM stayed away from my sons (I was concerned about sexual abuse), and I had a very favorable divorce settlement.

My attitude was very helpful during mediation. I got exactly what I wanted because I was willing to go to court to get it if I needed to, and my wife knew I was resolute so she folded.

After the divorce, I took my sons for counseling and the counselor talked with us before talking to the boys. My XW said the separation and divorce was awful and highly contentious. I was completely surprised to hear that. I guess perspective makes a big difference.

The 60 days is the minimum in my state that D can be final. So it may very well be longer than that. I'm not sure if she plans on living in the guest room for that duration or what. After we tell the boys and they have settled a little, I was considering asking her to move out altogether. Tonight she and I have set up time talk about things, so maybe that will come up.

When it comes to personal interaction, I don't think I can detach any more. At home I act like she's a ghost that I don't even see. I don't even look at her. She's never home for dinner anyway - always something to do. I don't do anything for her, but I do occasionally do the dishes or wash towels and clothes for my boys. Should I stop that?

The other way I can withdraw is financial. That leads us to...



When it comes to securing money, I've started doing that. Money's always been tight for us (W is bad with money), so there's thankfully not much in the bank to run off with. When it comes to finances in the D, I think I may have the advantage here. W makes a good deal more than me, and her 401K is also larger as well. So she stands to lose more. Seriously, what is she thinking? (Better question: Is she thinking?)

Things are spinning rapidly at this point. Earlier, W would not send me some financial info until I told her if I've retained my own L. I eventually got the info without answering, but it set a really bad precedent. Once I get my L's retainer paid, I don't see how this will ever de-escalate. I know people say it's not over till it's over (and I've said it myself), but this train is picking up so much speed.

A friend told me something interesting today. He wondered if SiL's pregnancy was a trigger for W, re-opening the wound of the third child she never had. (The story of the third child is a bit of a tangent, but I'll indulge if anyone is interested.)

I'm confused. You said she earns "a good deal more than" you.

As a two-employed-person family, you split household chores 50-50, right?

Is the piece I quoted about you doing part of her half of the work? Or is it an indication that that's all you are contributing to the daily work of the household?

Yes tell us about the third child if you feel it's relevant. Sorry you're going through this and I agree it's moving fast -- fasten your seatbelt and take care of yourself!

Yes, W earns more than me, but we both work 9-5 (well, hers is more like 9-9). She is very ambitious at work and has always prioritized that over her family. She's worked her way up at the company.

Actually, I have typically ended up doing most of the household chores. W cleans, dusts, and vacuums (occasionally). I wash most of the clothes. I prepare and serve dinner (although sometimes it's something she's cooked in advance). I pick up clutter around the house or get S's to do it. She does the dishes maybe 5 times a month. Our S's help out with some chores (dishes and trash). I cut the grass. W usually goes to the grocery, but I was also doing that too since she was slacking.

Lately I've been letting dishes pile up and doing them less. I've been letting towels go until the very last minute (when I need them). I'm obviously still going to feed my boys.

I've always told myself I was the glue that held the family together.