I agree that you have to trust your W to make the right choice and hopefully she will only introduce the children to someone who is safe. I have also heard of spouses giving the other spouse a heads up to let them know they will be introducing the children. My D's are 8 and 6........I have really struggled with this myself over the past couple months accepting that eventually they might be introduced to another man. I still struggle with how I will react/handle.
Firstly honesty should be a given to everybody, unfortunately the WW is anything but honest!
I’d like to expand on “Rule” No.25 (I don’t see them as rules more as objectives I strive to achieve) basically outlines where Mr Nice Guy – MNG is fundamentally dishonest this is mainly down to their fear of having to face conflict. If we do something that is a mistake or something that will upset our WW to the point of confrontation we will hide this mistake, we will say only things people want to hear and not what they SHOULD hear! We tell partial truths, and omit information if we believe it’ll prevent someone from focusing on us in a negative way, we live for an easy life thinking that being nice to everybody is the right thing to do but for who?
I’m a typical MNG I go out of my way to make sure everybody is happy, in my M I did everything for my WW and how was I treated? Like a doormat too scared to say “I think what you’re doing is disrespecting me, I’m actually a person NOT a doormat don’t treat me like that”. As we now know this is because we believe it perceives us in a negative light BUT actually it has the opposite affect and continues to build that lack of respect between the H & WW.
We need to share our feelings, if we don’t like something then we need to have the “balls” to say so, I’m sure others will agree initially there will be resentment BUT behind all that deep down we are slowly starting to gain our WW’s respect a little which can only be a good thing.
Take care.
Mark
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I thought I’d keep posting on this thread as I feel the subject is too important for people to miss out on and how the principles of the “rules” have been impacting on my R with my WW.
Firstly I have to admit to really difficult feelings doing these actions that allow me to stand up for what is right and expected in a normal relationship. I’ve felt these decisions have pushed my WW further away and subconsciously more towards the AP/LO, in reality this is possibly not the case as the direction of their A was heading that way anyway.
Being separated from WW is allowing me to actually take charge of almost every aspect of my life except for visitations of my children and it’s here where she’s STILL challenging me… I have now on three separate occasions had to stand my ground and not allow her to change the agreed schedule, I’m still accommodating her if there is a good case to change for example we initially agreed to a 3-1-3 split with the 7th day alternating each week but after a discussion I could see that for each of us six days where we don’t have the boys stay with us is just way too long and I decided to adopt a different schedule. The difference here was that I decided to change it to suit ME and the boys and NOT her but she was happy that I looked at the situation and welcomed the change. Don’t get me wrong she would have agreed to the 3-1-3 method if I continued to pursue it and it’s here where I feel I am doing better and am seeing her respecting my decisions that little bit more.
With each “stand” I get the now customary push-back for example recently I was to have the boys on a Sunday early (10:00) after she having the boys on the Saturday early, I do this so that I can GAL and do something with them allowing plenty of time. On this occasion I had a text from WW asking if she could drop the boys back later (12:00) which obviously would have impacted a great deal into what I had planned, previously this would have ended up with me relenting and allowing her to do what she wanted BUT this time I text back that I had plans and was unwilling to change them. At 10:30 she arrived and dropped the boys off I could instantly tell she wasn’t happy with the situation and knew something was coming I was right. With the boys now with me she asked me for my keys to the family home due to hers getting weaker and weaker, I said I would get another set cut but the conversation soon started to get nasty and she got louder and louder. I charged neutral and said “I will give you my keys BUT want another set cut and mine returned” she agreed and left under a cloud.
The challenges just keep coming. After I had changed the visitation schedule I was asked if she could pick the boys up from me when I have them stay over and take them away for a few hours, this I definitely put a stop to and outlined that when the boys are with me they stay with me. I have always said she can see the boys any time she likes but was not going to let her take them away from me and go back on the agreed schedule. So far she has followed my request regarding this with her parking outside of my house and the boys joining her in the car. I’m waiting for her to drive off with them so that I can then stop the boys doing this practice also.
What have I learnt? 1. When you stick up for yourself prepare for consequences. 2. You will never feel respect, it’s not shown on their faces anger on the other hand… 3. The feelings are horrendous for a trying to reform Mr Nice Guy – I feel I’m being nasty and am pushing her away from me. 4. No signs of progress – no lessons learnt for the WW. 5. You will ALWAYS be tested.
I’m hoping the list of “rules” can help and would love other MNG’s to post their experiences so that others can gain an understanding where they’re falling down and hopefully get the respect they deserve.
Be good you can do it.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
