Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

holding, seems like we are on the same path. My wife filed 1.5 months ago and I have been trying like mad to figure out what my life would look like with and without her. Finally coming to grips with the prospect of being a great single dad, it's tough to even think about it but my kids give me the strength to press on. Keep doing what you doing, stop the snooping, it does no good to any of us. I did expose my WW affair's and it didn't do anything to her, didn't shock her one bit. If I tell her family that might do it but I'm taking the high road, if I continue to think about it I can't do my thing! Good luck

Thanks for the support!

This is going to crush my youngest son. Just 2 days ago he was asking when we were going to Disney World again. I don't think my W has prepared herself for how he's going to react. My god, he was so emotional on his last day of elementary school.

I know I can be a great dad. That's really my strength and I've been doing it for my kids for years. My W has been the absent parent, always putting work ahead of family. In a way, all of our problems have prepared me for this outcome.

I can't stand the fact my WW thinks the kids will be ok, her words! If there is any good to take from all of this is my wife felt I was not that close with our kids especially my D11. I have completely 180'd on my kids and have become ridiculous close with them. I know that whatever happens me and the kids will be fine with each other, I know that drives WW crazy right now, I bet she would have never thought I could have changed. I know my kids suspect something is up and I know she is not prepared for the reaction as we have never fought,argued, raised our voices at each other ever, so they may be confused as to why we are divorcing. I'm fairly sure one of my kids will ask one of us if we cheated, and with a clear conscious I can answer that question, we'll see if she can!!

Hi holding,

It seems that what your W wanted to talk about was not the R, but the post-R. I think you handled it well -- it was key to tell her that you're going to be fine no matter what.

I'm also glad you got the OM situation off your chest and its now out in the open. Note that your W may honestly believe that she hasn't done anything wrong. It's typical for the WAS to completely convince themselves that they haven't stepped over the line. Just be prepared for that -- arguing with her about it will be fruitless.

Regarding your W's request to work things out at the kitchen table with her L friend, I would take her up on that offer. If you can work things out amicably it will pay huge dividends for you. Her L cannot legally represent both of you, and I'm sure she wouldn't suggest doing so because it would be a clear conflict of interest and in many states she could get disbarred for doing so.

Divorce generally consists of a parenting agreement and a financial agreement. The parenting agreement covers how much time each of you will parent, what your schedule will be, how handoffs will be handled, how holidays, vacations and birthdays will be handled etc.

The financial agreement consists of how you will value and divide your marital assets (and debt), as well as any child support or alimony payments that will go in either direction.

If you're uncomfortable with your W's friend, you can suggest to her that you will download templates for these agreements from any one of a number of online legal sites and you can start with that as a template instead.

Either way, you will each need a lawyer to review what you agree to, put it into a format the court will accept, and ensure that you both understand your rights.

If you end up meeting with W and her L friend, you can just go to listen, and you don't have to agree to anything on the spot. Often guilt will be in your favor at this point, so her initial offer may be much more generous than you're expecting.

If you go into "fight mode" right out of the gate, it could get more difficult, so you may be best served by agreeing to the meeting and listening to what is being proposed.

I know this feels like it's happening fast, and it's scary, disappointing and frustrating, plus a thousand other emotions.

A WAS cannot look back until you've fully opened the cage door and let them go, so it usually gets worse before it gets better.

Just remember that this will pass and you will be happy again, and so will your kids.

Acc

Thanks Dusty! If you don't mind my asking, when were y'all planning on telling the kids? I think I've been following your sitch, but my head's not really on straight right now.

Acc, thanks for the advice. I think I'm done talking about the OM with W. I've said what I needed to say, I'm convinced of what's going on, and that's it. I have a feeling she'll try to bring it up several times and convince me there's nothing there. But I really don't want to talk about it, and I'm not sure it really matters all that much any more. (She actually emailed me her travel details finally today after our conversation, and made a point to tell me I was listed as her emergency contact.) On the legal front, I guess I can meet with them and see what they propose.

One little thing I'd like to mention is that during our discussion this morning, W asked me how long ago I "hacked" her phone. I told her that's none of her business. So at this point she really doesn't know if I know more than what I said.

Just my opinion...

I originally thought I'd forgo having a lawyer because everything seemed so cut-and-dry and it didn't seem like it would be worth the cost of getting my own lawyer. I eventually decided to get a lawyer, largely because I felt like it would it would be a show of strength to have my own lawyer. By the time I was divorced, I was very thankful that I had my own lawyer.

Retaining a lawyer boosted my confidence and the lawyer explained the entire process so I was more relaxed while awaiting the actual divorce. In addition, my lawyer handled all the divorce communications between my wife's lawyer and the court system. I didn't have to worry about checking the mail and making sure the appropriate forms were filled-out. I was never served divorce papers because my lawyer handled everything. When mediation day came, everything went very smoothly, there was no stress, and I had a very good resolution.

I highly recommend retaining a lawyer unless you absolutely can't afford one. It's one more signal to your wife that you're ready to move on and that you'll be fine without her.

holding, Of course I would like to never tell the kids, but we were supposed to tell them two weeks ago and then nothing! I honestly think she chickened out, since this is her doing 100% she will be the one who determines when we talk. I am prepared for whatever comes up and what to say. No more lies in my house, I am and will continue to be an open book for anyone that comes in contact with me! I believe her plan is to talk to them next week, I hate to do it but.... with the link Christy sent me from MWD on how to talk to the kids when one parent wants the divorce and other posts I have read I am prepared to talk to them. It will kill me to look at there faces when this happens, like you said that your youngest son will be crushed, I think all my kids especially my D11 will be devastated. I hate that innocent children are now collateral damage because my WW thinks she can make a better life for herself. I also feel that once they know I can really 180/LRT and detach, this has been hard from me while keeping our sitch from the kids.

We told our D's both 8 and 6 about 5 weeks right before my wife moved out. All 4 of us cried however I found that they really took it ok. Now, we had to put it in more kiddie terms and I actually have the notes my wife typed out if you want me to share. It really pissed me off but it actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong I was so angry for my W to even put our children in this position however I had to suck it up for my children and act like my W and I were a team.

Once again, thanks for the feedback, y'all! Telling the kids is going to be very rough.

Smokey, I'd love to see those notes if it's not an inconvenience.

Dusty, thanks for sharing that. I get what you're saying about it being easier when the kids know. I'll no longer have to put on a show for them, which'll be nice. I'm thinking of asking W to move out of the MBR, since the marriage bed is for people who want to be married.

Doodler, I think getting my own lawyer is a good idea. I just need a few days to process things. This just happened today, so my head's still not here 100%.