Hi Treasur, thanks for stopping by I read through some of your story yesterday and your sitch is very similar to mine without the kids obviously. I think the fact that it is so obviously MLC is what is making it so much more painful because reading everything about MLC leaves me with no hope for M for a very long time if at all and that is devastating as you know.
Your comments are spot on and I know I have an amazing support network, I am a very strong independent woman, you can't be an army wife for so many years and not be. I am spinning and yesterday and today are bad, yesterday was probably worse and I said last night that I wasn't going to allow him to define my life in this way but I am and although today is slightly better it's still not great and I have to be for the kids.
I don't know how to detach me and the kids from him without them feeling as though they have to take sides or that Daddy is wrong even though he is?
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I think you need a clear schedule. Why should he be allowed to come and go as he pleases while you are stuck waiting on finding out if he has plans or not before you can go out? If he is going to have custody in the future, I think this should be established now. I will caution you - try not to judge what he is doing on 'his time' without the kids and try not to be a bully about the schedule in terms of trying to make it impossible for him to see OW. Instead, pick what days are important for you and go from there.
He is dictating to me but not consistently what he is doing an when. Most of what I do involves the kids so doesn't matter to me when he sees them for my benefit. I have asked him to have them one weekend at the end of August as I have 2 weddings. Honestly, I am scared that he will take them to her house if I'm not around and I think it's way too soon for that?
You do know that there is never a good time to do this right? To me, it feels like you are waiting, because if you keep putting it off, theres a chance it wont happen.
I know there is never a good time but one more week in school and he was fine with next weekend until he spoke to OW. He only told me 5 weeks ago. Why should she get to dictate when he tells our kids. I can see why this would be seen as me being controlling but it's OK for her.
Why are you OK with this?
I shouldn't be but it felt OK at the time as we were discussing the kids and he was being kind.
What is your reasoning for doing these 'family days'? He just told you hes going to be sleeping at OW's when he wants and only being with you when it's convenient for him.
Because the kids don't know yet but even when they do is it not right for them? This is something I keep questioning myself as if we do family stuff it's nice for them but it's allowing them to have his cake and eat it? Then I think if I don't do it I'm punishing them for what he has done? This is a genuine question that I would really appreciate advice on.
Next time, Id tell him it isnt any of his business.
Point taken :-)
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Hey sweetie...spinning happens (s*cks but it happens), key seems to be to chew a bit, walk away, chew a bit more and do nothing for a bit.
Yup, MLC is disheartening...but in a way, the practical stuff is the same whether it is MLC, aliens kidnap or an allergy to fish right?
Just like a new posting in a horrible spot...what are the short-term priorities for an army wife? (My parents were ex-RAF and my Mum could do this stuff really well too!)
First of all, you have to get tough & accept that HE has chosen to (partially) detach from you & the kids already by saying yes to an open-ended posting to OWstan. His choice and he forgot to discuss it with you as his W. Just like thousands of army wives, you're left to figure out what a good positive life looks like for you and the kids while he is 'away'. I'm sure you've had to do this in the past and if I remember right, the trick is to keep things calm and steady, focus on what now & next rather than what will happen in 6 months, cry when you need to and use the support you have. Different challenge, but similar skill set. So, you know already you can do this.
There are other people here better than me to advise on the kids. Calm boundaries seem to be the key to detachment generally, I think. From what I can gather, most MLC spouses are pretty unreliable and that includes kid stuff too but there are folks here who can advise you.
As a 'non child owner', but blessed with a great set of parents...love matters but truth is important too. I guess it is natural to want to protect them, but healthy adults always need to learn resilience - actually a lot of the DB stuff, now I think about it. That they are loved and enough. That life sometimes throws up tough stuff we can't fix or control. That we can choose how we respond to it and do our best to not let the yucky stuff overwrite the good stuff.
I can't remember...have you two had a conversation with the kids yet?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
We have been married unaccompanied for my job for his whole career so new posting in a yucky place is not something I've had to deal with fortunately. Although until my DO was 8 months old I commuted between hometown and where he was based every week, including 12 months to Northern Ireland and back every Thursday night to Monday night from when my S was 10 weeks old.
I like the idea of the posting to OWstan although sadly he keeps popping back to remind me this isn't quite the case. I have literally prayed he would get posted somewhere for a while to make this easier on us but then I'm only putting off the inevitable.
No we haven't told the children yet. He wanted to tell then weekend just gone but then agreed to wait to this weekend when they have finished school. 4 hours later after speaking to OW he suddenly had plans for this weekend so I don't know when that conversation is going to happen. Currently I think he's coming to see them tomorrow night and then I assume next Monday but not sure. Very fortunately because they are used to Daddy not being around so much they tend not to ask. That said this last 14 months he has been posted closer to home for the first time and has only really been away 1 night a week until I kicked him out 3 weeks ago but if they have noticed they haven't said. I think they're more than happy that Mummy's not working for the first time in their lives.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
