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Hi Coconut,

1. As I said if there is any shred I don't want them to know yet. When he was at home he wasn't as stressy as he has been since I kicked him out. I know his focus is on OW but he wants to play happy families and so I can set boundaries with regards to phone time, which is the only real issue when he's here and with me in a different place in terms of not working could be better?

2. I do think him coming home would remove some of the stress, not sure if that's good or bad but for the kids good. I think if he's here I could get closer to my goal and also demonstrate to him easier that I am GAL. I can go to the gym in the evenings when the kids are in bed so not leaving them with him as such and also doing something completely different for me that I want to do. If he's not here I can't as I would have to pay for childcare and I can't afford that financially.

3. I strangely think that with him here it would make it easier for me to GAL and become the person I was before M. getting my motorbike back and going out riding, seeing friends and doing stuff with the kids as if I'm OK with his decision but NEVER talking about OW or a future together.

4. He hasn't got a schedule for seeing the kids after telling them which is the conversation I wanted to have in the car on Thursday. If he goes ahead with telling them, what are his plans what is the schedule because they will need structure and not him being here when it's suits him.

I really don't know and I am not saying this to disagree with you, your points are very valid, I am just trying to think about what's best for them. They didn't ask for this any more than I did and I just want to for the very best I can for them and as a mother protect them from the devastating hurt for as long as I can.

Hi OwnIt

How do I find Andrews thread please?

SJ x

I am tonight sitting with my thoughts and thinking I need to do this for me. H has moved on and the kids may as well know now as nothing is going to change so time to get them used to it. I don't have to go to the funeral, I would like to show my respects but it's one of MIL's friends and it wouldn't really matter if I didn't. MIL wants me to go because she thinks it will do H good to spend time with me as if we're still a couple but it won't, he's checked out already. I am going to work to say goodbye to everyone tomorrow and will decide either tomorrow night or Thursday morning, he can go on his own if I decide not to.

Maybe H not having you there at the funeral might make him realize what he misses?

He's checked out. It's his Mum's friend he's not really bothered only going for his family and they will seriously lay into him which in turn means he won't be happy, because they'll tell him what he doesn't want to hear, which is why I am seriously thinking about not going.

If I go and drive him he will drink and drink and drink to blank out what his family are saying and then I will have to witness it and drive him back and he'll hate me, even thought it's not my fault. As much as I want to show my respects and be a part of the family I really don't think now is the right time

Sounds like it will be a major drain on you to go. Can you just send a letter to MIL offering your condolences and explaining that you didn't feel it was appropriate to go, given then circumstances?

I can call her tomorrow or even Thursday morning if I decide not to go. I'm all over the place as you can see by my recent posts. I am overthinking everything or am I? I am trying to work out what is best for my kids first and foremost. I am questioning my reasons for going, is it to spend pretend time with him as a couple, yes probably but then I know it will turn into carnage so probably best that I don't?

You do seem to be going through a rough spot. As a master overthinker myself, I knows it when I sees it!

You kicked H out, and now you want him to move back in, without any progress on his part. I totally understand you want to protect your kids. But you're breaking your own boundary by having him move back in. Helping S settle in school, and avoiding having "the talk" with the kids for now, isn't a really good reason to torture yourself.

The funeral thing seems like it'll really stress you out. You won't be a couple there - you'll be going with a memory of him, while the new unrecognizable him mocks that memory.

Thanks Holding I think you're right about the funeral, my MIL is hoping it will bring us closer but she doesn't really understand.

He hasn't progressed but he has in some ways gone backwards, in particular towards the kids which I really don't like, which is why I was thinking about letting him come back for a while.

More thinking and soul searching for me I think. I hold the cards and in reality he can't do anything without my agreement in terms of the kids.

You're right about him mocking the memory. Me going will be to ease his guilt or justify his actions when his family start having a go at him. Let him deal with it and I can explain that to my MIL.

Thank you
SJ x