Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Here again part 9

To, I don't mean to bombard you with feedback, but I really have to say that I think less is more. Your texting appears that you are trying too hard to look like you are detached, which could be perceive as just that. He knows you are hurt, so this appears unnatural. I honestly don't think you should call him or text him at all. There is no reason to make nice or appear friendly with the man that just broke your heart and walked out on your family. The "haha" and trying to connect about the kids is something that comes months or years down the line after detachment has occurred IMO.

Now I am not in your (very painful) shoes, but as an outsider there is a giant discrepancy between how you feel and your actions and I think he is bound to pick up on that. Plus, why let him think he can just walk out and you are still are going to be buddies with him? That's not a healthy response of a person with any self confidence. I am not suggesting you be rude or play games, but you do not have to pursue this type of dynamic at all. Let him do all initiating and pursing of communication, and you can step back and give him no hints of where you are at. He is not safe for you right now.

Can you go as dark as possible and take an all business approach? At least for a few months so your emotions can simmer down? I would say no calling and texting unless a medical emergency. In terms of a schedule with kids, I would email a very simple/concise, matter of fact format, schedule proposal. One that leaves little room for negotiation or ongoing discussions. You can also include that he please stick to it and that you and the kids need consistency right now. The email also keeps an organozed paper-trail. And personally, I would not allow him to come/go late at night or even spend the night on the couch, as he is not even helpful.

Sorry if this is blunt. I tend to take a very firm line approach to people like your H, and I did the same with mine. I had to teach him how to treat me. IMO, less is always more--less communication, less interactions, less seeing him at all, no pretend family time or he pretends to help, etc--just keep that in mind, when in doubt. Until he feels the consequences of his actions or the loss of you, he has no reason to want to come back.

More so, don't you deserve better than this? And don't you kids? Really think about it. Do you want to be buddies with someone that treats you like crap? He gets a friendly text from his Ex when he starts treating her and the kids with kindness and respect. That can take a long time for anyone tho.

Blu

T0 - sorry...

you are getting great feedback. What Bluwave said really resonated with me - for you, and I hope you will read her words, again.

Sometimes I think there is skimming going on with you b/c you'll outright say you must let go, and are working on moving forward and

accepting that he's NOT the man for you now and you're working on that,

but 2 hours later you'll post about how to behave around him or how to text him something so that you can "sound like 'X' but not too much of 'Y'"...and the loop repeats.

The brutal reality is that your h is not available for you now. So, Other than making things more annoying for either one of you, by small choices of daily interactions,

the reality is you have only one course of action available for your sanity. And it's to detach soooooo much more than you have been and so much more consistently.

I know it's hard and it's not linear!

Maybe the harder thing for you (which I recognize from personal experience) is that deep down we suspect this 2nd time around, the whole DB and GAL and PMA stuff is not nearly as likely to work itself out. I bet that is empirically verifiable, okay?

But That ^^ changes nothing. You still have to detach, probably more so.

Without detachment, you won't get to the other side of this. Without detachment you will continue to spin and cycle, and spew now & then (which your h richly deserves, but which gets you nowhere),

and after a bit, your baby will turn 1, or 3 or 5...??


I can say from experience that (other than not hoarding money),

my biggest regret is spending so much time not believing what was in front of me - until it was too obvious to ignore, and too energy consuming for the illusion to remain.

You said you have the legal info you need, correct? Okay so,

Here is the good news.

Your course of action to save this marriage - is the exact same course of action you must take to save yourself.

Does this^^ make sense to you?

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the insight on the communication Blu and Another ... outside perspective besides mine is good because when I think my communication is 'right' it obviously isn't from a DB standpoint.

25 - I think I'm getting there with detachment. I'm accepting well getting there on what is right now.

Two nights ago H was here... long story short he told me he was 'done' that it was over he's moving on with his life. And no I didn't bring up this conversation. Someone can only take so much and that him being gone has made him realize how happy he is without me. That he looks at me and feels nothing for me besides being the Mom of his boys. That he will always love me because of that but doesnt love me or have feelings for me as a wife. I replied as curtly as I could and just said I was sorry he felt that way. I understand how he could feel that way after being here and having weekly talks about our future. I then said I was sorry he felt there was better out there for him. I told him it was no longer in my best interest for him to continuing coming here and staying the night. He said we can still do things as a family go to dinner do things wit the kids. I told him no. You have removed me as your wife so WE are no longer a family. He said so what's best for the kids is us to do those things and that's how you're going to be. I said well what's really best for the kids is to be in an intact family but that's not an option so the rest will get sorted out. I didn't yell cry or anything. I got up after saying that and went to my room.

He still showed up here the last two nights. Came in said hello, took the baby so I could do my homework. Text me about some bills he was taking care of and has come in to say goodnight which he had never been doing. PLEASE don't read into me explaining these things as I think they mean anything. I don't.

I'm taking the day to enjoy the boys and will be tackling the issue of him continuing to come over after I enjoy the weekend with the boys. After digesting that conversation I just needed to focus on school my test and my papers that were due. Everything was completed as of last night so today is my first day off to enjoy it. I made a few calls to other L yesterday to set up a few more consultations. Plus even if I don't use them it just means H can't since I had a consult and it's a conflict of interest

I can confidently say he has no idea the road he is about to embark on. He really thinks we're going to be buddies.

Plus I swear if I have to hear I'm done or I'm moving on or it's over one more time my head might spin around and explode.

I think you are on the right track, TO.

Keep moving forward without him. This guy isn't a prize.

TO:

You are going to hear the best interest of the kids argument every time you don't give him what he wants or the two of you disagree. Your strength will get you through this.

That's how he feels right now. It could change in months, weeks or even 5 minutes.



GOOD!!!! You put him on notice that you are not going to be a party to his cake-eating. Now stick to those boundaries!



Right, like this is YOUR fault! The stuff that comes out of their mouths just boggles the mind.



It's a temperature check. He wants you to beg/ plead/ cry. He wants to have control even in separation. If he says it again then just smile and say "I've decided to move on as well." I bet if you do he'll break into full pursuit mode. That doesn't mean he wants you back, but he DOES want you to stay on as Plan B.

Man T0 you sounded great! Formerly T0, now T3?? AS is right, he's feeling you out. I think we are all guilty of saying crazy things like that sometimes just to see what the reaction will be. He sounds like I used to be. Just very stubborn and prideful. Pouting almost. If you continue like you did last post, you going to be quite alright;)

T3
((( )))


It hurts and then, yes, it gets better. It's NOT Linear so don't get mad at yourself for backslides. They happen.

Please do yourself a favor and check out the site ... b/c she is spot on in how she portrays WAS's, and she is helpful AND hilarious and she lists various ways we can get gas lighted by our spouse. It helps us to know we are not fools to believe in a spouse, and to be gentle with ourselves. Plus, she's hilarious.

Your h is Not a special unicorn. This is round 2, and there's a new baby here and yet, he's being - how he's being.

So Even if he woke up, slapped his forehead and said "OMG I want back in!"

you'd need months or years to work it out. (And that might still happen!)

But It cannot happen for a long time, if ever.

So, Dig into your deep wells of resilience. Your sons need you. You need you.

((( )))

Wow. I missed some things!

T, you may have addressed this and I missed it, but did you reveal to H that you know about OW?

I'll have to look into that 25. Thank you.

I'm really not thinking about the future because it overwhelms me right now.

Train- H said in the conversation there's nobody else. I said you can look at me and tell me you haven't been around town with another woman or been talking to someone. He said nope. I Just said I'm not stupid H and didn't say anything else.

He told me that he only left because he couldn't be with me because of how I think of him as a liar and a cheater and that's how I really think of him.

He said I was calling him every day calling him a liar and a cheater. I didn't respond. Because I know that's so far from the truth.

I didn't want to get into the OW conversation besides just saying I am not dumb and leaving it there. I didn't even want to have that conversation to begin with.

If I see them out or get more evidence then I may change that.