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25yearsmlc,

I appreciate that. Strangely thaht feeling just came from nowhere. I wasn't thionking about W or anything. Just sitting up late making a sandwich. Out of town for training for the week and had to fight the urge to call my W apologizing and professing my love for her. Definitely going to check out that app.

Tread

it's incredibly distracting to be with friends (on a boat, no less) and some weird trigger comes up and suddenly you are OUT of the activity happening and in your head.

Man, I am having to learn some serious "redirecting" of my thoughts in those moments.

The night time ordeals are lousy to awaken to, so I actually prefer them at 2am when I can use the app. and go back to sleep.

OR in the day if I'm alone (no offense to my dog) then I have to regroup mentally. There are short day time pieces on that app.

Finding a job with purpose is going to be a huge asset for me (not just financially I mean).

I'm volunteering and getting out and Lord knows that helps. Every time I'm glad I've GAL.

But even then, there are those moments.

I've stopped wondering if "still h" has those. Reminders or regrets - as He is not in contact with our 2 older kids and barely texts our youngest. H is excellent at having blinders on in the operating room and I believe in his personal choices he's very good at it too. Lots of cognitive dissonance for him and almost a double life. Heck, why do I say "almost"?? It WAS a double life...anyhow...back to US...

Oh, I had a small "aha" moment the other night. A friend who is in my divorceCare group (huge asset and they are national, btw)

told me his separation of 7 months will end soon, b/c his still wife, wants to MARRY her "new" bf.

I blurted out "what an idiot." and I meant it.

Because Only a fool would marry an AP that soon, if ever.

And it hit me that it's probably what my h will do. To prove that blowing up our family & 35 year m was right after all! See how happy HE is??!! What prior marriage? I'm not even sure his new fan base knows I exist, OR he tells them what he told his former employer "gone our separate ways"...just wish I had known before they did.

Must have been me/the kids - obstacles to his happiness.

And it struck me as so absurd and so mentally unwell, I really do care less. I worry the other shoe is about to drop but, one day at a time.

I'm rambling. Anyhow, check out site if you want some revelations and definitely some laughs.

((( )))

I wasn't certain, but I think there maybe an OM2 in the picture. There was a guy she used to work with a few year's back, that she contact every couple of months. Guy has a W and 3 kids. But ever since W told him that she wanted a divorce these two have been in contact with each other see veral times I a month.

Now this did mention in a text when he first found out that things were going bad between us that he always had wanted to be with my W. And since then, they have been in contact more than ever. When I confronted W about it months ago, she claimed that they contact each other every now and then for more support. And haven't even seen each other. Honestly I didn't even worry too much, because this guy isn't even attractive. Dude is fat and out of shape.

But I received a parking ticket from June 22 that my W received while parked in front of potential OM2 job. On that day she was texting me and then suddenly didn't respond back for an hour. During this time period she received the parking ticket. Now in my W defense, she used to work at this place and on occasion would visit old co-workers. But she usually would have told that she caught up with these folks. But according to her, she hasn't been there in months. So my plan is to check the phone records in a few day s and if W did contact him prior to getting that ticket. Then I was wrong and there is another OM in the picture now.

At first I assumed she was just being cool with this guy, because liked the attention. Seeking nonstop attention on social media and otherwise seems to be her thing the last couple of months.

Just confirmed through phone records that W and OM are back in communication through texting again. Guess my suspicions were right. Also OM2(not sure if just friends or not. But I'll call him this for now.) was talking on the phone with W for over 2 hours, during one of the nights on was out GAL. I decide to detach and W pursues OM1 and OM2 even harder. Clearly my W wants attention, but me pulling away seems to have the opposite affect. Anyone have any suggestions? At this point, I'm cool with letting W go. But I don't recent actions to be the reason why when I may have been on the right path.

So yesterday was my first day training for this marathon. Considering that I spent Saturday playing basketball with S13. And then spent Sunday afternoon playing flag football with a bunch of 20 somethings. My legs were in pain by Monday. But yet I still managed to run 5 miles with the group with no issues. So my confidence is pretty good right now and I'll probably sign up for the 5K in two weeks.

Now my plan to detach isn't going exactly as planned. Its hard to do this when W is constantly in your face, joking, being playful and wanting to talk about her day. Yesterday I had planned on watching the second Planet of the Apes with S13 before going out to see the new one tonight. W decided to join in the living room and still was talking about a lot of things as the movie was getting started. I listened and validated, since these were my 180s. But I couldn't help but to thing that this isn't detaching.

Also I find it hard to completely detach when W is specifically making me my favorite meals and being nice. So I find myself doing things for her, which I normally did. But it would just be bad if stopped doing things for her, while she was doing things for me. If it wasn't for her being in an EA with OM. You would think things were normal. I still want her gone. But then there are moments where everything is good, friendly and were having a great time. Before dating we were good friends, so being friendly throughout the MR was never an issue. But then I feel stupid being friendly because I know OM is back in the picture. And why would I be cool with someone leaving her family to fool around with someone else's H?

On another note the parking ticket my W got a few weeks ago was actually given while she was attending a woman's group meeting at the Mayor's Office. Same street where potential OM2 works on, but way on the other side. Due to the time of the meeting and the time she contacted me from her office. I doubt that met up. So even though this guy is trying to get at my W, while pretending to just be a friend. So far no signs of anything happening. So that's at least a good thing. So any advice on this current detaching situation would be much appreciated.

Tread,

There's an OM and a potential OM2 and you can't detach? I think I'd be raining down the h3ll fires of perdition and I'm a nice guy.

This is a quote from my MC/IC, "Listen, this is how marriage works, if one spouse doesn't like the other spouse's friend, then the friend has to go." And, doodler's embellishment to the quote is, "...that goes doubly for freakin' boyfriends."

Isn't your W being nice a good sign? Maybe she is looking for attention, maybe she is hoping that her being nice to you means you will be nice and that maybe just maybe the two of you can get back on track. You are clearly skeptical so you won't end up getting hurt. Maybe do something nice for her something you never did before.

Her speaking with OM1 and OM2 [censored]. And it is problematic. But unless you know what she is talking about and maybe she is afraid that when you GAL it is YOU who may have found someone else. I think ultimately that is why so many of these sitch are so complex and nuanced. There might be a lot of overlaps but I think each of us has a specific set of actions that need to be taken. Yes, detaching and GAL and validating is important and plays a role for all of us but I think this is why the point about "observe what works and what doesn't work" is ultimately the best advice.

As to your post at the top of this page about thinking it's all your fault. I think it actually is a blessing that while she had OM1 that there are things you did wrong. This means that whatever hope for your MR that BOTH of you need to change. Suppose you were flawless and she cheated. That is hard. That will not give you necessarily the tools to be graceful.

My approach - and I may be criticized for this - is that I am trying to act as kind and loving as possible without pressuring W. If she plays me for a fool and is just waiting for the time to get out she is leaving behind someone who treated her with respect and kindness. I am showing her a glimpse of what she will walk away from. I am not saying I love you, I am not doing much overly romance but I don't shy away from moments of intimacy. Sometimes she initiates, sometimes I do. Part of that is because I didn't always show the best side of me in those moments. Her ACTIONS based on this have been almost consistently positive. I have stopped demanding she talks to OM and like I have said in my sitch I don't even know how much she still talks to him. I have accepted the possibility that the ONLY reason he is still in her phone is because she is afraid and I have given her reasons to be afraid. I am removing a lot of the reasons without telling her that everything will be fine even with him involved in whatever capacity.

In your sitch: even if you don't know what will happen. Why is it so bad to have a more nice and kind interaction with her? Is it the impatience of wanting to KNOW if there is a future? The impatience to not open your heart and get hurt AGAIN or even more? That is a risk. I am taking it knowing FULL well that it can all be over. But I can feel better about myself than I did when I first discovered the PA. Part of this feeling better is because of ACTIONS from my W. Something about your post made me think maybe your W is also trying to make her way back.

Tobias,

You may well be right, but something about Tread's post made me think CAKE. As in very large multi-layered cake (with lots of icing). And, she doesn't just want a slice, she wants the whole thing.

Doodler: yeah and I think THAT's the hardest part of sitch like this. It's the not knowing.

But if she is cake eating why would it be bad to exchange nice interactions with each other? Isn't detaching and GAL also about trying not to think too much about OM? I understand the importance of not validating OM and whatever R they have...