Once again here you come with the great advice. Just a question in regards to a 180 I've been working on. Neglect was my issue and I have turned that around big time. So how do I balance doing my own thing, while not neglecting W. Because to her, not paying attention to her just seems like business as usual.
That is a very good question and I'm the first to admit I think it's a slippery slope and would want a DB coach or another veteran of neglecting their spouse to chime in. I'm always unsure of this one. The last thing in the world you want to do is be clingy. That is hugely unattractive. I've pondered myself how you detach, and move on if you were being accused of neglect in the first place. It seems counter-intuitive. In my own case neither of us actually neglected the other. We had just become a very old married couple decades before we were very old. Not really neglect but no spark either. I recognized it and so did she but she turned 45 and coped with that by flipping out. I coped with it by buying a Harley and getting back into riding.
The 180 is doing the opposite of what you were doing in the M that broke it, and is breaking your chances at R. If you were neglecting her needs or not reliable doing things you said you'd do then the 180 should be that you're attentive to needs and you do all the things you say you'll do. The standard advice, however, is to stay at arm's length and give them space.
I guess you could not bug her, do your own thing, but if she needs something then you could help. Be dependable and attentive.
And that's where the dilemma is with me. I was always dependable, but we noth got neglectful. Now I have turned that around. Burbs still wants to leave. And now I am at the point of detaching. But I still habe to keep up with the 180 of not not neglecting her. So I have kept my space and done my own thing, while being available to W. But it seems to make detaching difficult.
I hear you. This is complicated stuff. To be honest these things fail more than they succeed but I do think you're doing well. You're much further along than I was at this same point. I'd say just be the best person that you can be inside and out. Stay the course. Don't initiate R talk. Be dependable and attentive. You're doing fine. Try not to overthink it.
My opinion is that although what you did needs improvement it is not the thing that broke your marriage. Right now you have been fired as a husband and pursuing, begging and pleading is not going to get that back. I would stick with the 180 of detaching, GAL and making you into the best person you can be. She will notice, although by the time it happens it may be too late for her.
Once again here you come with the great advice. Just a question in regards to a 180 I've been working on. Neglect was my issue and I have turned that around big time. So how do I balance doing my own thing, while not neglecting W. Because to her, not paying attention to her just seems like business as usual.
I agree with Cadet, "neglect" is usually more of a tool in the WAS's toolbox to bring out as an excuse of "why it will never work" rather than a genuine problem in the M. Yes we become complacent in M and don't spend as much time with our spouse nurturing them and such, but that cuts both ways. It's not neglect, it's life. When you're single you can devote an inordinate amount of time to a R, when you're married and have jobs and kids, not so much.
Anyway, you're not in a position to show W a lot of care and attention right now, that is pursuit. However, when you do have interactions with her you can make sure to listen and validate. Read the thread on validation, it's great stuff. Listening and validating is a complete 180 for most of us guys and is one thing you CAN do effectively even if separated.
The crazy thing is that I've been listening and validating for years. Also been very encouraging. But the way W tells it, I didn't do those things. And I am for certain that I at least did those things right. So when I have listened and validated these past couple of months. W thanks me for listening, but I laugh to myself because that's what I've been doing in that department for the last 17 years...LOL
Quick question. Out best friends, another married couple are in town visiting. They have been in full support if me throughout this whole ordeal and habe let W know what she is doing is flat out wrong. They're very religious and don't believe in divorce. Also they had some issue early in their own marriage and are now the perfect couple. The wives are meeting up in a few hour's to meet for coffee. I know the topic of the marriage is going to come up. So I am wondering if I should contact our friend and tell her not to mention the MR or just let her say what she plans on saying? Not sure if them preaching morality is going to make things better. But at this point they are getting fed up with W lies. And they seem to be distancing themselves from her. W is so arrogant that she doesn't even see what her actions gave caused.
Quick question. Out best friends, another married couple are in town visiting. They have been in full support if me throughout this whole ordeal and habe let W know what she is doing is flat out wrong. They're very religious and don't believe in divorce. Also they had some issue early in their own marriage and are now the perfect couple. The wives are meeting up in a few hour's to meet for coffee. I know the topic of the marriage is going to come up. So I am wondering if I should contact our friend and tell her not to mention the MR or just let her say what she plans on saying? Not sure if them preaching morality is going to make things better. But at this point they are getting fed up with W lies. And they seem to be distancing themselves from her. W is so arrogant that she doesn't even see what her actions gave caused.
Hello Tread,
You are so smart to recognize that it could be a tricky situation between your W and the friend. Having them preaching morality isn't going to make things better between you and your wife. If they are already distancing themselves from your W, that is up to them. Even if your W is too arrogant to see it right now, these will be will be her consequences, not yours.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
The first people W told she cheated was her best friends since 9 year's old and his W. Dude tried to tel l my W to stay away from dude before I found out. W being as stubborn as she is didn't listen and I found out soon later. Him and jis W got so disgusted by the way she talked about me and her lack of remorse. Also they found out she had lied to them about a lot of things. They just stopped talking with her all together. If she loses these friends, then that is all the people closest to her next to myself. Which is why she is seriously wanting to be friends with me. Hoping these things will knock her out of her fog before it's too late.
