She has got a point. You arrived out of the blue with no notice. You also said she "owed" you a face to face which is all very pressuring. She was probably shocked you were there and didn't know how to handle it. I am sure lots of confusion and fear ran through her and while you were there she didn't know how to handle it because it was a surprise. Maybe, just maybe others were right that the sneak attack wasn't the best idea? Perhaps if this was planned, she would have had time to take it all in and sit down with you?
You said you did this all with no expectation. But your anger is because of what you expected to happen and it didn't, and something else completely different is happening. All your anger is from expectations. Of what you expected and didn't expect.
Right now you feel insulted, angry, and your ego is bruised.
When all that calms down, try to look at it from her shoes. It won't work until you calm down. You are feeling slighted because this did not play out the way your knight in shining armour plan was supposed to.
She wants to talk. Want don't you hear what she has to say when you are in a bettr place?
you did say something along the lines of "we should" have a face to face, which I totally thought was legit.
But yes, it was similar to saying she owed it to you. And I wouldn't get bogged down in that wording. What difference does it make?
Here is what we know...
1) during the m, she was lonely a lot, and away from her family/support system too. This was communicated to you.
2) there were some personal issues between you two that resulted in her feeling less than desirable, and that's a tough thing for any woman, let alone a young one...
3) she left - and then you both communicated by text, for the most part.
I assume the reason you did not fly out immediately or call her, is b/c she said she wanted space and you felt like texting was the way to go. And for the last time, I promise, you did not offer to quit the job or move back east - for some amount of time, but instead tried to persuade her that it was not the solution to her troubles.
4) she filed for divorce/you went to see her
5) she was not or did not make herself available.
6) She's reaching out to you now.
Questions - You've said before that her family is supporting her in filing for divorce, as well as her friends. Other than single men who may want to date her, why would they support a divorce over remaining married? What is your r like with her family?
Finally, What do you want to do now, if you know?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She has got a point. You arrived out of the blue with no notice. You also said she "owed" you a face to face which is all very pressuring. She was probably shocked you were there and didn't know how to handle it. I am sure lots of confusion and fear ran through her and while you were there she didn't know how to handle it because it was a surprise. Maybe, just maybe others were right that the sneak attack wasn't the best idea? Perhaps if this was planned, she would have had time to take it all in and sit down with you?
You said you did this all with no expectation. But your anger is because of what you expected to happen and it didn't, and something else completely different is happening. All your anger is from expectations. Of what you expected and didn't expect.
Right now you feel insulted, angry, and your ego is bruised.
When all that calms down, try to look at it from her shoes. It won't work until you calm down. You are feeling slighted because this did not play out the way your knight in shining armour plan was supposed to.
She wants to talk. Want don't you hear what she has to say when you are in a bettr place?
This couldn't be more wrong! I wasn't mad about us not meeting up. I was happy leaving it as it was with the text saying she couldn't meet up with me and to have fun with my buddy. I did go with no expectations of us meeting or working things out. What irks me is she waits until hours later to ask if she could call me and then puts it off over and over again to ultimately never call me like she said she would. I can't stand it when people are no good for their word. What makes me angry is the fact that she suddenly wants to talk now after I have made nothing but efforts to talk to her. What makes me mad is that she has the nerve to say that I probably don't care about things! What makes me mad is that she thinks she deserves to have closure when I asked for it over and over again.
I had a great time catching up with one of my oldest and dearest friends I have and I really enjoyed our nations capitol and the Smithsonian museums! They are awesome!
She has got a point. You arrived out of the blue with no notice. You also said she "owed" you a face to face which is all very pressuring. She was probably shocked you were there and didn't know how to handle it. I am sure lots of confusion and fear ran through her and while you were there she didn't know how to handle it because it was a surprise. Maybe, just maybe others were right that the sneak attack wasn't the best idea? Perhaps if this was planned, she would have had time to take it all in and sit down with you?
You said you did this all with no expectation. But your anger is because of what you expected to happen and it didn't, and something else completely different is happening. All your anger is from expectations. Of what you expected and didn't expect.
Right now you feel insulted, angry, and your ego is bruised.
When all that calms down, try to look at it from her shoes. It won't work until you calm down. You are feeling slighted because this did not play out the way your knight in shining armour plan was supposed to.
She wants to talk. Want don't you hear what she has to say when you are in a bettr place?
She wants to talk and I just have to drop everything for her now. Where I come from respect is a two way street. I gave her all the time and space she needed when she asked for it and I know she knows I'm in Hawaii right now and she can't just let me enjoy it without texting me.
I just got another Hi text from her. It's freaking past midnight there. She should just go to sleep and think about things and maybe she can look at it from my shoes once. I doubt she ever will. I'm just tired of being disrespected when I gave her nothing but respect for what her decision was. It's clear I am not responding to her so why does she care and why can't she respect me now?
you did say something along the lines of "we should" have a face to face, which I totally thought was legit.
But yes, it was similar to saying she owed it to you. And I wouldn't get bogged down in that wording. What difference does it make?
Here is what we know...
1) during the m, she was lonely a lot, and away from her family/support system too. This was communicated to you.
2) there were some personal issues between you two that resulted in her feeling less than desirable, and that's a tough thing for any woman, let alone a young one...
3) she left - and then you both communicated by text, for the most part.
I assume the reason you did not fly out immediately or call her, is b/c she said she wanted space and you felt like texting was the way to go. And for the last time, I promise, you did not offer to quit the job or move back east - for some amount of time, but instead tried to persuade her that it was not the solution to her troubles.
4) she filed for divorce/you went to see her
5) she was not or did not make herself available.
6) She's reaching out to you now.
All this is true other than I chose to go see her before I knew there were divorce papers coming.
Questions - You've said before that her family is supporting her in filing for divorce, as well as her friends. Other than single men who may want to date her, why would they support a divorce over remaining married? What is your r like with her family?
Her family life has never been a good one and that is coming from her own words. Her mother and father constantly fought and her mother routinely left without a word and would disappear for days only to come back when she wanted too. Her mother was a horrible influence on her when she was younger telling her things about men that were absolutely wrong and should have never been said to a young girl. Her mother constantly chased off friends my wife would make and sheltered my wife a lot. Her family Holidays were usually just her and her dad staying home with her mother no were in sight and they usually didn't do much together as a family. Her father was always leveled headed, but was constantly gone because he was a Major in the Army. There is more, but that gives me an idea.
I haven't heard a word out of her parents since all of this happened. I called and talked to her dad once and he just said that her mother did similar things and that they won't get involved in the kids lives unless they ask. Although, they have no problem paying for everything and letting her come back home when she gets bored of her husband. The only interaction I have had from any of her family is a thank you for a gift on mother day and fathers day. Her parents didn't like my political view and were upset that my wife was in agreement with me. This probably plays a factor more then they would like to admit. It's sad really all because I wanted to vote for someone they didn't want to. My family has supported my wife through everything and including when she left us all behind. Her family won't give me the time of day. I honestly think race has something to do with it too. I know her sister has tried to get her to move out to Georgia while back too, so basically to leave me behind.
Finally, What do you want to do now, if you know?
Did you read her last text messages to me after I got to Hawaii? It doesn't seem like there is much care from her about things at all. She wants nothing else then to divorce and to forget about a life she once started with me, so why oh why does she insist on doing what she is doing. Why does she reach out to me if it isn't going to change anything? I don't know what I want to do? I have been clear from the beginning that I want our marriage to work and that is way to much to ask for as her husband so what left is there. What could she actually have to say to me that will matter at all? I feel she is disrespecting more now then she has this entire time and I will not be walked on like that.
I asked and tried to talk to her many many times and she wouldn't have it.
I asked for simple closure and to have a real understanding of all the things and reasons for this, but she wouldn't give me the time of day.
Now she expects me to give her everything she asks for and I am the bad guy when it's exactly what she has been asking for. I have changed the way I was dealing with her and being validating and understanding and very soft towards her. That is not the way I would normally deal with someone who is doing the things she is doing and I wouldn't normally fight for someone to be in my life when they want out so bad. My honestly to goodness reaction to this kind of behavior is to be done with them and take them out of my life, but because she is my wife and I understand I hurt her that I gave her the time and grace she asked for. I was very understanding of what she was going through and I didn't want to be the one to call it off.
It's funny to me how when she finally sees that I have had enough she reaches out to me. That right there stinks to high heaven of games being played. So tear this way of thinking apart so I can understand if I am going about this all wrong. The one thing I haven't done is say a word to her because I don't know what I want to say or where I want to go with this. I have kept my cool with it.
I do know this! The way she did things is completely wrong and that is a view that will not change. In a marriage you work on things and you don't give up and abandon your family. Vows were made and that is very important. When I take a step back and look at our problems none of it deserves the treatment she is giving and neither do my family, which was her family. She can think she is right all she wants in her head, but she can't change the fact that deep down she knows she is wrong.....that is only if she ever truly loved me and my family.
Oh in case I forgot to mention she just sent me another Hi text. I am feeling that she won't even follow through with texting me the things she wants to say to me. I married a coward!
Further more if she thinks that any of the reason I am not responding to her now has to do with the fact that we didn't meet up with I just showed up in Virginia then she truly doesn't know me at all or the kind of man I am.
OK, so I tapered down the letter I wrote I really jotted down in a not so intelligent organization. Haha! Anyway here it is.
I came to Virginia so we could have a face to face and you can see me telling you how I feel. I wanted to see you because you are all that is important to me!
You were the best choice I have ever made in my life and I cherished all of our time together. My passion for you isn’t lost and it never has been. I was afraid of the things happening to you and thought so much about your health that I was scared to make love to you. I hated seeing you hurt more than anything and it was constantly on my mind.
You were always first in my mind and I would do anything for you. I wish had moved to the East Coast from the start. I wish I had trained less. I wish I had planned to go on dates with you every week. I should have made time for us. These are simple changes. I looked forward to starting a family with you when you were ready. I could have just opened my mouth and talked to you.
I always appreciated how you would get all dressed up for me when I returned home from work and I was never able to express it correctly to you because I was stubborn. You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on and I was absolutely winning the jackpot when you agreed to marry me! I loved your sense of humor, your laugh, your beautiful smile, you’re intelligence and love for life! The way you treated me and my family and friends was a blessing and I thank for being the woman you are.
I have learnt a lot about myself these last few months. I used to think you didn’t always talk to me. But I guess the real question is, why I won’t hear you. I became rigid and forgot how to relate to you in a way that works, for which I’m sorry for. I just don’t know how to pour out my feelings for you.
Simply and to the point….I messed up, I love you and miss you. I’m sorry for any hurt I’ve ever caused you, you are the love of my life.
First, is this a letter you want to send now? Because I'm not sure I would...but I know waiting a few days won't matter - so I suggest you hold off for now.
Second, some of the things you posted here are things I missed in your threads or you didn't mention earlier and they matter.
If you are of different races, a LOT of families have subconscious or overt problems with that. The issues may be invisible to the naked eye, but might be simply dormant , and will come out when marital issues rise. That is relevant.
Also, the political differences - as superficial as they may be to me/you and many others, they are managed different recently.
Added to the racial difference - if I'm understanding you correctly, feeds into a lot of people's perceptions at this time.
I would strongly suggest saying nothing that disagrees with them, other than when specifically asked. Then you stress what you do agree on (i.e. safety net for the disabled, and things that all sides agree on).
You will not persuade anyone otherwise. I get the sense that you really do believe your views are better thought out than theirs and that you feel the need to make points, not knowing that you're getting nowhere fast. But imo, There is No political issue worth falling on your sword for, with inlaws.
I've consumed many cups of STFU when my inlaws said things I totally disagreed with or found offensive, over the past 37+years. The good news is they stopped asking my opinion and we all mellowed over time.
Next - And her own mother did this to her dad? That's fascinating to me. Not in a good way, but in a "Sure Wish I'd known before" way.
It's probably incredibly relevant, Cali. These ^^ are the types of details that would have helped to know earlier, tbh.
If you didn't mention this^^^ before, that's baffling to me. Do you see how that specific information matters?
Anyhow, the last form of communication I'd choose if I were you, is texting. It's the most likely to be misinterpreted and once it's written, it can be forwarded to anyone.
And you said above in an above post that you were "not angry" she didn't make time for you in Virginia.
That's patently false.
You even admit it was disrespectful and cowardly of her, in your later posts. It would also be weird if you did not feel disappointed. (As if seeing your wife didn't matter when it was THE reason you went out there).
and yes I know you got divorce papers the day before. I just linked them in terms of when she sent them/you made travel plans.
Cali, there is some cognitive dissonance in your posts and you need to know it's okay to be confused. It's normal to have conflicting emotions now.
What's of concern to me is how insistent you are that all is fine and you'll come out on top and this doesn't hurt...when of course it does.
In any case, she is sending mixed signals, I agree. But the loudest & clearest signal was the divorce filing.
Take your time responding. Silence is a response. And you can speak later, but you cannot retract.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You are off the charts angry about her not calling when she said she would. That stems from expectations. First, she not only was able to see you, which mad her not calling when she said she would which makes her so disrespectful, not caring about your M, and all the other things you mentioned. Because you have all these expectations about when and how she should be answering you.
What did she mean by "not that you would care?" She was giving you a reason why she couldn't see you. Because you snuck in on her and she wasn't there. She is saying you wouldn't care what her reason is, not that you don't care about her.
Is she asking for closure now? I don't think she is. She does want to talk, but if you feel she missed the boat and its not going the way you want it to, don't do it.
But really, I think she froze when it came to talking to you. She was processing your surprise trip and was probably scared.
