I just don't know why she wants to even call me suddenly. Is it solely because I haven't responded to her? What good could come of it and I don't want any charity from her in the least, so I still haven't responded to it. I still on the fence. I need more convincing I suppose....
25year, I forgot to clarify while I talked about how beautiful my wife is. I did mention a lot of that letter was in direct correlation to what she wrote to my buddies wife and the fact the she told me that she felt that she was ugly to me and I think she was pretty anymore.
Like I said I wished the divorce papers came a couple days earlier and then I wouldn't have come at all.
On the one hand I get it. But if that is true....then you cant possibly say you went with no expectations.
To me, the divorce papers are just that...papers.
I mean, if you were actually divorced right this second, would anything in your life be any different?
So to me, the timing isnt great in that it looks like you planned a trip because o the papers. But I dont really see how the direction should change for you.
I have read a lot about validation and not just on here, so no it's not what you thought....
Put it into practice. Reading is one thing. Practicing is another. I've seen nothing in your lengthy posts that indicates you understand validation or have ever tried it with your W. You spend all your time defending yourself instead, and that has just pushed her so far away that she sees D as the only way out.
25year, I forgot to clarify while I talked about how beautiful my wife is. I did mention a lot of that letter was in direct correlation to what she wrote to my buddies wife and the fact the she told me that she felt that she was ugly to me and I think she was pretty anymore.
Be proactive, not reactive. Who cares what she wrote to your buddy's W, it may mean something but probably means nothing. You talk about how you know your W better than us and better than anyone else, so why are you putting so much stock into junk that she wrote to someone else's wife? And trying to model your behavior to things in that letter is reactive anyway, you're trying to plug holes in the dyke instead of building a stronger dyke. You already know her LL is WoA with secondary being PT. You can't practice PT in your current sitch, and always going on and on about her physical beauty is NOT WoA. So what can you do to fill her emotional tank with WoA?
By the way, the above argumentativeness is exactly what I'm talking about. Why do you always feel it's necessary to defend your position on stuff like this? You get so bogged down in defending yourself that it doesn't seem like you absorb the advice and put it into practice. This is one area where a 180 would greatly benefit you for a number of reasons.
I have read a lot about validation and not just on here, so no it's not what you thought....
Put it into practice. Reading is one thing. Practicing is another. I've seen nothing in your lengthy posts that indicates you understand validation or have ever tried it with your W. You spend all your time defending yourself instead, and that has just pushed her so far away that she sees D as the only way out.
You're wrong again, I have put it into use when ever I have talked on the phone with my wife. I even made a cheat sheet.
25year, I forgot to clarify while I talked about how beautiful my wife is. I did mention a lot of that letter was in direct correlation to what she wrote to my buddies wife and the fact the she told me that she felt that she was ugly to me and I think she was pretty anymore.
Be proactive, not reactive. Who cares what she wrote to your buddy's W, it may mean something but probably means nothing. You talk about how you know your W better than us and better than anyone else, so why are you putting so much stock into junk that she wrote to someone else's wife? And trying to model your behavior to things in that letter is reactive anyway, you're trying to plug holes in the dyke instead of building a stronger dyke. You already know her LL is WoA with secondary being PT. You can't practice PT in your current sitch, and always going on and on about her physical beauty is NOT WoA. So what can you do to fill her emotional tank with WoA?
By the way, the above argumentativeness is exactly what I'm talking about. Why do you always feel it's necessary to defend your position on stuff like this? You get so bogged down in defending yourself that it doesn't seem like you absorb the advice and put it into practice. This is one area where a 180 would greatly benefit you for a number of reasons.
This is answering the question that was asked of me by 25year.
I asked you how you felt about the beauty comments & literally not having any other qualities of hers which you love. I know they exist, but I asked you how you felt (seeing that in writing.)
Other than what you "think" about things and how you wish you had done things, I miss hearing what you FEEL about it all.
To be clear - I believe you feel deep emotions, though I"m not sure you let yourself really go there. I'm not a T. But I wonder why you have not talked to someone.
Not my business but I sure as heck did not have the tools I needed to get through this.
Oh, telling AS that he's "wrong again" is sort of proving his point.
Cali, you are hurting and we get it. But stick around a bit after this weekend and we will all benefit.
Plus, a D paper is only that. A piece of paper. Your w has not faced the loss of you and your family and the m, in full yet.
You've been facing it more than she has b/c of the geography and social circumtances that go with it.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You're wrong again, I have put it into use when ever I have talked on the phone with my wife. I even made a cheat sheet.
Validation is a tricky subject. A lot of people here, and I mean a LOT, think they are validating when they're really not. As I said, I have seen nothing in any of your posts (and you have posted a lot of your text convos with W) that sounds even remotely like validation. I think you misunderstand what validation is. It is NOT complimenting someone. You've certainly done your lion's share of complimenting your wife's beauty, and that's great but that's not validation. And as 25 pointed out, to a WAS that can make them think "well yeah, but what's going to be your attitude when I'm not young and pretty anymore."
Instead of rushing so quick to call me (or anyone else here) wrong, just take a deep breath and read the comments again and ask yourself if there isn't something there you need to work on. We're just trying to help you buddy, this isn't a contest or a debate where someone is "right" and someone is "wrong". It's just people who have walked in your shoes (or are still walking in them) trying to help one another through this craziness.
I asked you how you felt about the beauty comments & literally not having any other qualities of hers which you love. I know they exist, but I asked you how you felt (seeing that in writing.)
Other than what you "think" about things and how you wish you had done things, I miss hearing what you FEEL about it all.
To be clear - I believe you feel deep emotions, though I"m not sure you let yourself really go there. I'm not a T. But I wonder why you have not talked to someone.
Not my business but I sure as heck did not have the tools I needed to get through this.
Oh, telling AS that he's "wrong again" is sort of proving his point.
Cali, you are hurting and we get it. But stick around a bit after this weekend and we will all benefit.
Plus, a D paper is only that. A piece of paper. Your w has not faced the loss of you and your family and the m, in full yet.
You've been facing it more than she has b/c of the geography and social circumtances that go with it.
((( )))
I'm not seeing a T. I know it's really hard for you guys to understand me and how I am able to deal with things because it isn't anywhere near the norm and maybe it's abnormal, but I am truly fine and I will always be fine. I deal with things really easily and I have thought about this in depth before when trying to understand why I don't have the same break downs as most others do. I look at it very realistically and although I am donig the part to try to save my marriage I truly know, as I have this entire time, I will be just fine and know life goes on and there is no reason for me to let anything ruin my life, even for a little bit. I am very optomistic about how things always turn out and I will always come out on top. This is just my view of life. I have learned a great deal through the kind of things I train in and coach. I know how to perform optimally and at my very best under high stress situations because I put myself in those situations all the time. I also coach this very aspect as a mental game to othe
I am able to process things at much faster rate at least this is how I see it or the way I reason for why I don't go through the same internal turmoil that a lot do.
