1. How to handle WW when she crosses a boundary? It depends a little on what your boundary is. But, basically, if you set a boundary, then you need to stick to it. For example, if you say that you wont tolerate her disrespecting you, then you need to do SOMETHING if she disrespects you. If it's a conversation, then you walk away and resume it again later. If it's through an email or text, then dont respond. Is there a specific boundary you are looking at with this question?
2. What are the examples of losses that could possibly shake a WW out of the fantasy fog? Id say it's different for everyone. But basically, they need to feel the results of their choices. If you are still there as her plan B emotionally, financially, etc, then there is no loss and no reason to change course. Does she have fear of actually losing you?
3. Best way of detaching that would catch the attention and GAL of a WW? Some of the things I'm doing are interesting to W, but she would never want to participate in. The point of detaching is that you arent doing it to catch her attention. You do it to make you feel good which is, in turn, attractive.
4. How to be tough and a non-nice guy without coming off as your old self? You can still be nice without being a 'nice guy'. Think about why you are or are not doing certain things. Do you have expectations of her? Would you behave the same if your expectations were truly at zero?
Can't lock W out since both our names on the lease. But I have considered it...lol. I feel disrespected that my W is claiming and continues to be friends with OM. Who basically threatened me when I contact led his W a few months back. Every time I bring this up, it leads to an argument. So how do I handle this situation. Can't control a grown person.
Not doing the GAL to catch her attention. But I was curious to know if the W interest in a particular activity would peek her interest more. The last coupl e of months, I may have been a little too nice. Mainly to keep the peace and just trying not to come off as this angry guy. DB book did say to come off happy.
You should be happy. You do that by filling your life with things that make you happy. Your W does not make you happy right now so she needs to take up less and less of your life and your brain space.
If you want to do a GAL activity then do it...for you. If it's something she's interested in then you can be excited about it (for yourself) and talk to her the same way you would a stranger that asks.
As for OM who cares. That's her dirty business. Her mud to wallow in. You're too good for that. Leave her to her mud.
You can't control her, you can control you. If she wants OM in her life, that's fine, then you don't want her. Boundaries. Don't file, just ghost her. Live your life for you as if she doesn't exist.
Can't lock W out since both our names on the lease. But I have considered it...lol. I feel disrespected that my W is claiming and continues to be friends with OM. Who basically threatened me when I contact led his W a few months back. Every time I bring this up, it leads to an argument.
Heres what I dont really understand. What is there to 'argue' about? Its not a he said, she said. If you feel disrespect, then say you arent interested in being in a relationship with her if she is going to continue to contact OM. Then be prepared to follow through. You cant control her, but you are in charge of what you will accept in your relationship.
Originally Posted By: Tread
But I was curious to know if the W interest in a particular activity would peek her interest more.
I mean you know your wife best. But, I would GAL how YOU want to. That will bring the most confidence and satisfaction for you, which is the whole point of GAL to begin with.
Originally Posted By: Tread
DB book did say to come off happy.
Happy is good. Nobody wants to be around an Eeyore.
Other than occasionally arguing about OM every other month. We generally our getting along just fine. You wouldn't think there was a DB on the horizon. The problem is that W wants to leave the MR. So making a divorce an ultimatum for continuing to associate with OM is nothing more than a joke to her. So right now I feel like a clawless/toothless tiger in regards to that. All I can do at this point is just continue to detach. That's why I am seeking advice in regards to that piece of disrespect.
[quote=TreadThe problem is that W wants to leave the MR. So making a divorce an ultimatum for continuing to associate with OM is nothing more than a joke to her.[/quote] Who said anything about an ultimatum? Its about what YOU will accept in a relationship. If you wont accept having OM as a part of your marriage and she wont stop contacting OM, then you have no choice but to stop being a part of it, right?
It's only a joke to her, because you arent willing to walk away yet.
Point taken. My absence should consequence enough I suppose. Guess I am off to prepare for that future without W. Because her stubborn self claims her friendship with him isn't wrong. Even though I know for a fact that she is still flirting with him.
At this point the consequence is that she's not included in your great new life that you're building....which you better be building! ;-)
No need to file for D....yet. That day may come. When it does you'll want it more than she does. By then you'll be in shape, living a life worth envy, and have a very bright future. She'll want in on that. A lot of women will.
For now stop focusing on your M or your wife. Don't engage in R talks. Don't issue ultimatums but also don't lie. Plan your future as if she doesn't exist. If she questions that say you have to plan your future without her since she's still in contact with OM and you won't be in a marriage like that. Then you disengage from that conversation. Not another word. If she says she has not contacted him, and you know that's a lie, then say that's not true and you walk away. Disengage. You're too good to be pulled into a Jerry Springer type argument over a cheating wife and a douche bag AP.
I think your sitch will go like mine did but you do have to keep working on yourself. Don't get complacent, don't take days off. I did all kinds of stuff. I even took a cooking class. Met a really nice lady there. Divorcee. We didn't date but we bonded at the class and if my cheating wife hadn't stopped what she was doing I would have dated this woman.
GAL your butt off. Find your passions and put all your energy into them. No need in reserving any energy for your spouse because she's not worthy of it right now.
Leave the marriage be and build the better you. Don't be moody, angry, passive aggressive, dark, brooding, etc. Be positive, confident, and happy.
