Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 25yearsMLC - 10 yrs Later I File D (pt 5)

25,

What if the start of the letter was about D19 in general and the focus was about her college experience and how important that is for her? What if there is only a small section in the letter about your financial concerns and that you are reaching out to them for advice and any/all help they can offer? Is there a way you can weave in the financial sitch with H--not as the focus of the letter, but as a sidenote? If you come to them showing them you are at their mercy and need their guidance on what to do (more openended) might you get a better response?

I don't know them or their psychology. I am just trying to think of the most effective strategy while preserving a good R with them in the future.

Blu

25, I like the letter. I think it was reasonable and generous. I think you're already at last resort stage, considering the timing. I hope your in-laws are generous and helpful. I wouldn't count on it, but I think you would regret it if you didn't send the letter and your D19 had to drop out of school.

I also wouldn't delay sending it because it is hard to say what actions they might need to take to get the amount of cash that is needed to get her registered.

I would also ask if there is some kind of payment program at your D19's school? I know that my university had one that was not need-based. You might pay a slight up charge spreading the payments out over the term rather than paying the lump at registration time, but the advantages would be: 1) the amount of money you need to ask the in-laws for could be reduced; 2) it buys you time to get your STBX to pay his share or start paying you the support he owes; 3) perhaps your D19 can get a job to pay a portion of it in the event that you end up having to pay her tuition.

In my state, I was told by my lawyers that the courts can't compel a parent to pay for college. I've been trying to prepare myself to pay for it on my own, knowing Mr. Fantastic's spending habits. I hope you can find a good solution for your D19 and that she doesn't end up having to eat a sh!t sandwich.

You've been doing marvelously, considering the chain of events you've been working with. I hope you feel very proud of yourself.

Does your daughter know about this letter?
If so, how does she feel about it?

She might feel like you are opening up a can of worms that she will have to deal with later... before you do this, make sure she is on board, please...

I always knew in my heart of hearts that my ex could not be relied upon if some health catastrophe ever happened to me. A terrible thing to think about your husband of 24 years but true. And now that all three of our children in their twenties have mental health issues, he is proving to be pretty useless there as well. He doesn't cope well with the disappointment of having imperfect (but wonderful) children.

The great thing for you is, your future is wide open now. You can get out there and take risks, do things YOU want to do without your ex's negative comments on your ambitions.

This has been the biggest positive from my divorce. I am doing work I love, and have made a big enough name for myself that I am invited to lecture to other physicians. I learned to play the drums at 53, then a little vibraphone and glockenspiel. My best friend, a professional singer songwriter, had me play on her latest album and just begged me to join her for part of a tour opening for a famous band from the 80's. I've written a chapter in a medical book and would like to write more.

None of this would likely have happened if my ex had stayed. This isn't the life i expected, but in some ways, it's better. If you throw off the shackles of doubt and just get out there, great things can happen. We women are at the height of our powers at this stage in life!

25,
I just wanted to thank you for mentioning several times to T0 that she needed to check out ... I'll have to say, since I could not sleep this morning about 1:30AM, I decided to check it out. It is now 6:46AM, and I am still reading, laughing, and growing stronger by the minute. You have set me onto a gold mine. Thank you so much!!!!!

25, wrt your niece and her fiancé, I'll just say, their attitude is not unusual nor limited to their age. I meet with people of all ages to talk about finances and NONE of them, even those with close relatives who've had sickness or injury or death or unemployment get in the way of their happily-ever-afters don't believe it could happen to them. And yet, I've known firsthand people who died YOUNG (like 50 and younger, with young children at home) every single year since I was 25. I know more than one person who was struck by lightning. Older people are no better -- try to talk to them about preparing for a long-term care event in their old age and they insist they will die before that happens to them, or they'll commit suicide ("But what if you're suffering from dementia and don't know to??") or that their loved ones have promised to shoot them.

What I'm trying to say is... maybe it's the idea of the wedding itself that's troubling you, because the couple's attitude is the same as what all our attitudes were as our weddings approached. Life could not be bearable if we looked ahead to what "For better or worse, in sickness or health" really means, or the ways it could break us. We'd never take a step into the unknown if we thought like that in those moments.

And that being said, they may not be prepared now, but perhaps they'll rise to the challenge. Mr. Fantastic's sister and best friend married each other at 21 and 23. This year will be 20 years for them (as it would have been for us) and they are VERY happy together... in spite of the fact that shortly after their twins were born 14 years ago, she developed a moderately crippling and disfiguring disease. You wouldn't have thought from looking at them that they were particularly prepared for the challenges they've faced together but they are clearly a team.

You've been doing beautifully but I wonder if you're not trying to untangle the skein a little bit these last few days. I don't want to rush your process but it might be worthwhile to consider that. You're being treated abominably and your tunnel is pretty dark at the moment (like T384's) but you also have the advantage of knowing with more certainty that the light is there. Try to keep your eye on that. This WILL end at some point.

And you may not be a wife, or a daughter-in-law anymore, but you are still a mother, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, an aunt, and eventually will add colleague and other roles to your list as well. Maybe even wife, again. Who knows? Are you a grandmother yet? You've lost a couple of labels but they weren't all of you. And you're still a daughter, just as your children will always be your children. Just the roles evolve, as they are meant to, because life is change.

One other thing that you've always been for me is Wise Woman. When I was going through my darkest times, reading your posts always gave me a sense of calm and excitement for the future that helped carry me through. Because of you, I decided to make 2014 my Year of Yes and I can't tell you how much richer and more fun my life has been because of it. Thank you for that.

Last thing: I was a CPA before kids, and spent several years out of the workforce being a SAHM. I regret that now, professionally, but also, I don't. Because if I'd stayed pigeon-holed in the CPA career, which I never especially enjoyed, I would not be out taking scary risks now. HOWEVER, I stairstepped my way into it. My first job during the darkest days was one I could do in my sleep, which is almost how I did it during that time. When I was alert enough to want more, I moved into something more challenging.

When you're ready to find a job, don't put a ton of pressure on yourself to find the Right job. Just find something that is kind of GAL for you, and get back out there. Use it as a stepping stone for the next thing and you'll be OK. Maybe not where you intended to be, but you'll find the right thing over time. There's no point in spending any more time on professional regrets. Just start from where you are.

I hope this is helpful -- I would like to be able to think (selfishly) that I'm able to return some of the calm and reassurance you gave me when all I wanted to do was scream. You're doing awesome. The fact he doesn't have an ice pick sticking out of his head shows what a wonderfully gracious woman you are.

Take care, 25, and HUGS.