The anger against family is right were my W is now. She's spewing guilt at everyone else and making stands against people who are there to support her. In her eyes though, she thinks they're judging her for her decisions and I think you know how that all goes.
Kudos on graduating and working on your anxiety and depression. I'm also seeing an IC on my depression issues and learning more and more about anxiety around issues I've never recognized until now. It is very freeing and providing a lot of strength.
Keep up the good work that you're doing.
All the best.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Today is hard. I'm questioning if I'm making the right choice by not contacting her for at least 2 more weeks. So far I've gotten nothing from her. Part of me feels like I'm just giving her the clean break she seems to desire. Her father said he'd call when he gets home tonight and I'm going to get his opinion on things because I value it a lot. I'm kinda doubting he'll actually call tonight though, it's along drive home and they usually leave late. Headache all day has left me feeling more down than when I got up. I am having a hard time convincing myself to start a project. Really want to get my basket started, it just feel like a mountain at the moment.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
I suggest you talk to a DB Coach. Be careful about no contact, if your wife commonly complained about not getting enough of your attention, or not feeling loved and appreciated. I don't remember whether she complained about that, but just throwing that out there. The most important thing is to do whatever seems to work with her, and avoid the things that seem to make things worse. Look for baby steps in the right direction. One small step leads to another, and another, typically. And remember that it's a marathon, rather than a sprint.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Wsh - I'd love the DB coaching but until the house is sold or I get the job I can't afford it. She complained that I wouldn't answer the phone right away when she was driving home or that I wouldn't pay attention on the phone during her driving 2 hours home (I can't pay attention that long, not active listening at the least). I felt like I was getting somewhere with her before but then she shut down and continuing as it was resulted in her saying that she felt "crushed" again. Since she was shutting out everyone in her life (her family) my counselor and the people close to me suggested to give her a couple weeks.
During the time I'm hoping to get a new job and mid-late June a new apartment which will bring new decisions. The biggest thing I've taken away was that with my depression I stopped leading at all (in part because that's what she wanted) so I've been working on that. Any ideas or viewpoints I might be missing are obviously appreciated. I'll talk to my counselor again on Tuesday as I'm back to every week with that to keep my sanity.
Thornton - That's encouraging to hear because my mind obviously goes to the worst places. With how stubborn she is under normal circumstances I have trouble finding the way for her to move forward with me. Some days are better than others but losing my friend to this exploding ankle is a blow to my GAL activities.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Just keep making your positive changes. And even if she doesn't comment on them and praise you for them, know that she takes notice. It's also important that she has the opportunity to see your changes, but never point your changes out to her, because then she may feel like you are only doing them to get her back -- afraid that you will revert once you win her back.
You definitely need to give her space, but make sure you also give her the things she complained you didn't give her before, if you have the opportunity to. You have to figure out how much space is enough. I'm not sure about telling her how long you are going to go without contacting her. I haven't heard of people doing that before. My wife also complained that I didn't pay attention and listen.
About your friend's ankle, part of your GAL can be helping him. One of the big benefits in GAL is that it helps you derive purpose and happiness in other things than your wife, and gets her off your mind some. Your friend now needs people to help him. A broken ankle also doesn't stop you from hanging out with him to talk, watch a movie together, etc. If you were playing tennis or something with him, find someone else. It can be good for you to branch out and make new friends as well, especially if you are short on friends.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I'm trying with the changes. Honestly I'm not sure what else I should change. Counselor has said I can't keep searching for things to change as I've already made some. Can't change who I am either. Those won't last.
Telling her I wouldn't be talking for a while is something I also wasn't sure about. The last time I went NC (only for a week) she tried to use it against me. That along with the fact it gives me a timeline to follow is why the counselor suggested it, her father also mentioned telling her. I dunno if it's the right thing or not, I'm not avoiding her calls or texts if she decides to reach out. I'll get back when I have a moment to. I just feel like it's not going to happen.
I'm working on making some new friends. Unfortunately most of the people I've been meeting and talking to have been women because of the nature of my work. I'm hoping if I get this new job I'll have more opportunities. Brought my friend home today from the hospital. He's staying at his girlfriends tomorrow and plans to be there the next week or so, so I'll have to find other things to focus on.
Thanks for the replies everyone, I check this site pretty often trying to get perspectives.
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
Talked with Counselor today. Really having second thoughts about going no contact for 2 more weeks. It's been 1 of absolutely no contact and 2+ discounting a photo I texted her on mothers day and the call to ask about her needing more space (to which she replied what we've been doing is fine). It felt like we had been making some progress before she pushed back and started limiting the length of our conversations. I'm going to talk with her father tonight to get his opinion, I value it pretty highly.
Counselor and I discussed pros and cons and other options. It's been 3 months and she's no closer to divorce as far as I know, she still hasn't used the word at all. I feel like going full NC at this point is a step backwards and might be giving her the feeling of a "clean break" or making it too easy on her to just walk away. Michelle mentions a 1-2 week timeline to see if something is working or not and then adjust. I'm just so unsure of what to do...
Still haven't got an email about the follow up interview which was supposed to be for tomorrow. I'm hoping I still have the interview at this point because getting the job would allow many pieces in my life to fall into place. I believe for the relationship to go forward we need new surroundings which means moving, but I am scared of that and don't know where I'm going until I find a job.
Called a doctor today to get an appointment set up for antidepressants. Yoga isn't cutting it anymore. Feeling like I want parts of my old life back...
Together 7 years Married 3 Said she was taking long way home late January Left to get some space 2/19/17 BD 3/1/17 ILYB
I suggest you talk to a DB Coach. Be careful about no contact, if your wife commonly complained about not getting enough of your attention, or not feeling loved and appreciated. I don't remember whether she complained about that, but just throwing that out there. The most important thing is to do whatever seems to work with her, and avoid the things that seem to make things worse. Look for baby steps in the right direction. One small step leads to another, and another, typically. And remember that it's a marathon, rather than a sprint.
Hello giftd,
Big congratulations on your graduation! Good luck with interviewing. That is some serious GAL!
WshIKnw- Thanks for the vote of confidence regarding the DB telephone coaching.
I hope your friend is on the mend and has a speedy recovery. Super nice of you to help him.
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
