Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers ILYBINILWY - OW - what to do next

OK that's good, I didn't get that impression from your first post.



You mentioned this and the comment about him being like an alien, those are comments usually made about people in MLC. Do you think he's going through MLC? That's a different situation completely from dealing with a WAH.



Good! Yes, it's not going to be resolved in a day or week or month, you've got plenty of time!

I definitely think it's a MLC over the past few months we have been discussing our future plans (in a very positive way which is why this is such a shock) and preparing for him leaving the Army next year (completed his full service), he turns 40 next year, just got a new sportier car, new clothes and hair dye for his grey!!

Is it Ok to say to him that I do not want an open marriage and whilst he remains in the house the A has stop?

Of course, just don't expect him to listen.

Just like a teenager does not listen.

Oh wow. That's sounding like textbook MLC for sure. The advice for dealing with an MLCer can be quite different, not sure if you've explored the MLC forum much but it might help:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=28&page=1

So I cracked he didn't get home for the kids AGAIN! Told him I'm not prepared to have an open marriage with him in the house still carrying on with the A and he has until Sunday to decide, not between me and her but between staying at home for his children or leaving. He said he needs to speak OW. I need to focus on me and the kids

I think I've gone through every emotion in the past 24 hours and now I just feel completely drained and devastated.

He went to work this morning, except he didn't he went to her house. I know I shouldn't snoop only torturing myself and I even asked him last night to change his icloud password but he hasn't and I couldn't help myself.

I took the day off and took the kids to school then probably angry because he was with her again rang him and told him he doesn't get to decide he needs to move out. He said OK you know I'll only be staying at work in the short term don't you. I said he couldn't afford to stay anywhere else until the house was sold to which he responded we need to discuss finances.

I know I'll keep going through all the different emotions. I know I need to keep focused and be strong for myself and my kids but right now I just feel so low. I feel like I need to have a really good cry and let it all out but it just won't come.

Just reading about validation and I'm confused. Am I supposed to validate his R with OW?

Hi SJW,

I'm so sorry you had to join us.

"Just reading about validation and I'm confused. Am I supposed to validate his R with OW?"

I'm sure there is a thread on here about validating but I would never validate the A. I want to work on my M even though my W is having a PA I might be wrong but I validate her when she mentions something she's done at work (solved problems, promotions or such) or when she feels a bit down with her appearance or mood, I basically cheerlead and build her up I know it sounds counterintuitive but...

For me and I might be wrong but I'm showing her that I'm invested in what she does except anything to do with the A or R, I'm being there for her and providing a safe place. I know there is a train of thought that goes against this "nice guy" syndrome but I do this as an investment. If and when she comes to her senses I want her to know I'm her best option and always have been.

Please search for the thread on validation and look into boundaries as a start re-read the DB & DR books and I'm sure you will start to gain some stability. If anything I take from all this is that I need to be consistent this is key.

Be strong for those who need you and take care.

Mark.

Hi Mark

I'm sorry you're here to it really [censored] but at least we have support.

Thank you your comments really helped.

I've pulled myself together a bit got a shower put my make up on and he's on his way home. We have a weekend of family activities and reading some other posts I need to focus on making happy memories for the children and put my own feelings to one side.

I just need to keep reminding myself that they are the most important thing in all of this and I need to be there for them even more whilst he's doing his thing.