Going to be a tough day for me emotionally, this is/was supposed to be our 20th anniversary! The past few days I have tried to detach even more, not coming home after work when I usually do, went to a park the other day to walk the path and clear my head. When I got home the kids all wondered where I was and my wife had asked the kids if I contacted them, she was curious as to my whereabouts. I have also tried to be even more pleasant at home especially around the WW, this has actually been a positive because she seems to be open up and talk, not about anything in particular, mostly logistical stuff about the kids. Since she filed this has been non existent so much so as the kids want to know if we are mad at each other. We haven't told them as we are waiting for school to end next week. My kids will be destroyed!!
Me 46 WW 43 T25 yrs M20 S16 S13 D11 BD 3/15/17 Filed for D 5/31/17 D 12/2017?
An anniversary is tough. You will make it through.
It is good you are concerned about your kids. At the same time, you need to be the example for them that things will be okay. They will follow your lead in this. If you aren't destroyed, they won't be.
Let them know this is between you and W and not about them, that it doesn't change the love you and W have for them.
If you really think they will be unable to handle it, start looking for ICs that specialize on children.
So what is the plan? GAL? What night is she watching the kids so you can go out (and be very vague about what you are doing)?
I've just caught up on your situation. I feel for you. I too spent my 20th anniversary separated.
When life is in turmoil do everything differently. You will reap all kinds of benefits. If you shop at walmart - go to target. If you normally wear jeans, wear dress pants, if you go to starbucks everyday - take a thermos of coffee.
Mixing the small things up really can help you get a different perspective. Also, much more interesting to the people around you. Being brave enough to change is admirable.
Also, jump on that to do list. If the stairs need painting do it, if your taxes are late - get them sent in, etc, etc.
A sense of accomplishment really builds confidence.
I would agree with some of the other posters. Don't bend over backwards for W. Put yourself and your kids 1st.
I was a little too rigid with my WAW/WW when it came to many things e.g. switching parenting time, routines for S11, etc. I was criticized for it by many people and she thought I was too inflexible. It worked for me.
One post I saw 15 months ago was - who is your favourite movie tough guy? Then ask would "James Bond" do this for her.
Don't be mean - just tough.
We are rooting for you.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
WW and I didn't do anything for our 20th anniversary, no cards, no gifts, no dinner, just did kid stuff(sports) Doing my best at GAL, last Friday I did meet up with a family member for a couple drinks and WW sent messages wanting to know where I was and if everything was ok, I did not respond to these messages. When I got home I climbed into bed and WW was all over me, even though I told myself that I would not allow this to happen I gave in. I thought we had a great fathers day spent with my dad who is thankfully feeling a alot better. Lying in bed Sunday night WW wanted sex again, why can't I say no????? Very passionate sex, we have always had a very active physical relationship and this has been tough to say no. Yesterday was back to a very cold interaction with WW all day, so now I need to continue to buckle down on the 180/LRT, I am halfway thru DR book and as I read this along with how my WW is acting I'm not sure I even want to try to fix my marriage. I wanted to save my marriage to this point but I now believe this is clouding my ability to do the things I need to do for me and my kids. They are out of school now and that was our plan to tell the kids once they were out. I may tell the kids this weekend by myself as the WW is out of town. Lord give me the strength to be the best dad I can as my children are everything to me!!
Me 46 WW 43 T25 yrs M20 S16 S13 D11 BD 3/15/17 Filed for D 5/31/17 D 12/2017?
Dusty, regarding sex, this subject has come up a lot in the past (whether the LBS should continue having sex if the WAS is initiating). The general advice is it is OK to continue as long as it's not upsetting you. Sex is a way of maintaining an intimate connection even when going through this. I was shocked when my W and I were in MC and she told the C she wanted to continue having sex, and we did, but she still ended up moving out a few months later and at that point it stopped. So there's nothing wrong with continuing, just don't attach any expectations to it that it means recon is around the corner.
== so now I need to continue to buckle down on the 180/LRT==
LRT is called "last resort" for a reason. It is a cutting off of all contact because the LBS thinks all hope is lost. It is really more to help the LBS move on. I don't think you're there yet. Just pull back, give her time and space, work on you. Please understand this doesn't mean ignoring or being rude to the WAS. Read Sandi's rules and notice the emphasis on being friendly, polite and cheerful. When you say "I did not respond to these messages." that is NOT DB'ing. You SHOULD respond to messages. Maybe not right away, but do respond. ESPECIALLY if it's in regards to the kids. DB'ing is simply not INITIATING contact. If the WAS contacts the LBS then it's fine to respond. That's not pursuit behavior.
==I may tell the kids this weekend by myself as the WW is out of town.==
I would suggest you not tell them without your W there. This is a big step and if you do it without your W's consent she is going to resent you for it. My W and I talked about when to tell the kids, and we set up a day and time and sat down at the dinner table and discussed it with them. I was very careful not to place ANY blame on my W, and we both emphasized that we both loved them very much and would continue to support them together as parents even though we were separating. It was the most difficult conversation I think I've ever had in my life, I was sick to my stomach. But we got through it fine, and I think it was helpful for the kids to have us both present for the conversation, it gave them assurances that neither one of us would be abandoning them.
Thank you for the advice, I have been pulling back, not initiating the conversation as you said. I understand telling the kids together and that is what I will most likely do but it is so hard to not let them know why she is doing this. We have had two other divorces in our families that was because of infidelity, my kids know this and they have told me before that they could never forgive someone that cheats! I am going for as much custody as possible and my lawyer has told me I have a good shot at this because I have proof and a voicemail admission to help my case. Since this "awakening" in March I have grown so close to all my kids where my wife has pushed away from them as well. Her close friends and EA/AP have told her the kids will be fine. I am so unprepared for the reaction my kids will have, I hate to say but I want them to have a real over the top reaction to sting my WW. She has yet to suffer any loss in this sitch(mostly my fault for this) Their reaction will be the first loss for her, the next will most likely be when she is out of the MBR or house. I will talk to my lawyer tomorrow to map out my plan.
Me 46 WW 43 T25 yrs M20 S16 S13 D11 BD 3/15/17 Filed for D 5/31/17 D 12/2017?
I hate to say but I want them to have a real over the top reaction to sting my WW. She has yet to suffer any loss in this sitch(mostly my fault for this) Their reaction will be the first loss for her, the next will most likely be when she is out of the MBR or house. I will talk to my lawyer tomorrow to map out my plan.
I really hope you don't follow through with your "desires" to make her hurt.
I did the worst things I could think of to "get even" with my WW when she did things to me, I wanted her to hurt and I wanted to be the one to do it.
A year later I really don't like the part of me that I saw when I did that.. Two things are going to eventually happen, either you both get to a place where you consider reconciliation, and memories of things you did to her could get in the way of that. Or, you both move on, and you are left on your own, and you have to deal with the things you did to the person you professed to love so much at the time.
And no matter what, don't use your kids as a weapon. Regardless what they or say or do to your wife at the time, that knowledge is something that they will always carry with them, and that's their mom... I would not want to feel that way about my mom, and I would resent anyone who instigated me disliking my mom.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coconut, poor choice of words by me, I don't want my kids to hurt one bit from anything I do. I said what I said because people are telling my wife that the kids will be fine, there reaction to us talking to them could have a large impact on her, I will not use my kids as a pawn to get back at her. They will find out on their own over time as to what she has done to our family. Through this entire ordeal to date she hasn't shown any signs of being affected like me, I feel like i'm dying inside and not sure how to fix me. She sleeps at night and carry's on like it's no big deal! As much as I GAL and take care of me I still struggle, I have lost over 50lbs in 3 months, I sleep maybe 4 hours a night. I know it's a marathon that I never thought I would be running, one day at a time, thank god for this site,my therapist and my kids!
