Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Here again part 6

Hi everyone,

I was super lucky at the office this morning and too many providers showed up and there weren't enough patients on the schedule so they told me to go home and enjoy my baby. This being gone 3 days a week stinks.

I'm looking for some advice. I'm feeling very very defeated and like H moving out is looming and I'm trying to avoid that

We haven't been to C. H hasn't done anything the C asked. So I picked up the advice that C gave him and I've been doing the things the C said for him to do. I text him during the day. Just pictures. I usually will tell him to have a good day or ask him how his day is. I've seen no change in H. He continues to kiss me when he leaves for work when he gets home and before bed. Not saying ILY as much.

He is super cold and distant. We only talk if I initiate conversation and even then. It's like pulling teeth. I've been loving .. I will go up and kiss him or tell him I love him. Not a lot but occasionally. He reciprocates but doesn't initiate anything. I haven't had any major discussions with him except for asking him to meet me halfway. That I love him and he is important to me and I don't want to lose him or our family. He just says okay or I don't know. So I haven't said anything since then.

My gut feels like he's done and it's over.

Just wondering what I should be doing. Should I stop pursuing him at this point. I cancelled our C appointment. I don't see a point in going when he's just going to say he's done again and when he isn't doing anything the C is asking him to do. So if he asks about going I'll make an appointment. If he doesn't bring it up I'll leave it be.

I just feel lost on my best course of action. I've been making his lunch making sure he has things he likes to snack on in the house doing the things I used to do to be thoughtful. I'm just not sure if that's the wrong thing to do and if I should just be polite but stop kissing him, showing affection and doing things for him when he cannot make any effort.

TO:

What is your fear about him moving out?

Do you not believe that if he lives the life he thinks he is missing that he may come to some conclusions about what he really wants?

Ultimatums can be withdrawn. You could tell him, lovingly, that being there doesn't seem to be making him happy, and as a result you are not happy, and as a result it is not a good situation for your children.

He seems like sand slipping through your fingers and you are clenching as tightly as you can.

Seems like sometimes you might also benefit from the space and distance.

I have read lots and lots of threads on these and other boards. I know it is anecdotal, but I don't think there is anything suggesting that either approach is more successful than the other.

In this situation you have tried to the best of your ability to keep him there, but he seems to drive you crazy and keep you constantly in an unsettled state.

I kept my H home for 5 or more years after I knew we had problems (an emotional affair, talk of divorce, coldness, distancing, withholding). I can tell you that as hard as it was when I saw him go, that it is still easier to have him gone. I would never have made him leave (twice) had my children not told me that it is what they wanted, and I thought I was keeping him here for me.

Ultimately it is your decision and you have to make it. But ask yourself this, is going on this way for the next 2, 5, 10 years the way you want to live? If this is all he has for you, is it enough? How is being alone any worse than that?

Hello TO324,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

I would hold off on continuing with C at this point. However there are things that could work and make a difference. I suggest you speak to a DB coach, as they are experts in looking at what has happened to bring you to this point in your relationship and what is the best way to interact with him, so that you are most likely to bring him closer and not push him any further away. Your coach's expertise will help you come up with a very specific plan (that may be counter intuitive to what you feel like saying and doing) on how to best turn things around.

I wish you all the best and would be happy to discuss the coaching with you.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

T0



look, on one hand,

I could slap my forehead about how many times you have said "I just think HE'S done"
and "I just need some reassurance from him that..."

only to then say YOU are "just done", And then you return here to ask for advice after.

You are as confused as he is and the impasse rages on.

Neither one of you has been able to change, first...in any lasting way


I don't see that changing. So let him go, or live this way and stop hoping for more.

I don't want to tell you what you SHOULD want or need, you need what you need.

Imo, IF there is a way for you two to find your way back to each other,

it will only come with time apart. It's certainly not happening inside the home.

What about making a decision and leaving it be, for a year?

((( )))

25

When he leaves it will be for good. There is no coming back.

I won't do this twice and I won't put the kids through him leaving and coming back. We've been through that before.

Right now the kids know nothing ...

Sorry hit enter too soon.

I am not done with the M.


He knows I'm not. I've told him that I'm not...

But nothing I do makes a difference.

Yes I say here I'm done but not to him I don't...

So I guess I have my answer. If leaving is what's best and I am not ready for that step then I will try to act as if he's already gone.

TO:

Again, obviously your choice, but why the line on the sand for him leaving and coming back? What if you ask him to leave to go and figure out on his own what he wants. That is not the same thing as him packing up and moving out.

It is impossible to predict how anyone will react under a different set of circumstances in a different point in time. What if the H who wanted to come back worked through his issues, realized what an a$$ he has been and wants to come back and do right by his family.

How does all of you staying together to the bitter end with him not working on the marriage and you being unwilling to do so until he does any better?

I told my H he couldn't come back again. The guy who left cannot. But if he showed up with remorse, understanding and a conscientious desire to be a better husband and father, and I had not moved on otherwise in my life, I like to think I would give him another chance.

What are you accomplishing by keeping him there under the present conditions?

I just can't allow him to leave and come back for a second time. It's just how I feel. He was remorseful last time and changed and I thought it was for good and we worked on our issues to avoid this again but we didn't.

I don't want to let him go. My heart is in a million pieces. I want us to enjoy our new baby and our family.

I know what I want doesn't matter. It just hurts tremendously.

I don't know that we are at the impasse. I have reached out stepped out. What more am I or was I supposed to do ??

Oh T0...I could be wrong but to me, the impasse is kind of clear.


But there are a few other things I want to share with you. I fully grasp that you cannot do another DB deal. I get it. For many of us, probably most, it's a once in a life time deal

My question is what do you REALLY know?

No - I don't mean the OW thing - which still seems vague and incomplete.
I mean the whole "WTF is going on with my m??" this DB ordeal going on in your heart/head. How many times can you endure this?

I journaled here 10 years ago that if H had another Alaskan episode OR if there was an OW, I'd "walk away and not look back."

It helped to find that journal entry. Yet I still struggle. Maybe not so much with the DBing but with just accepting that many years were all for what?

It's like a gambler's syndrome. You play & play poker (or a slot machine or whatever you related to)

but the house wins most of the time. Not always, but usually...and you are losing money...

Sure, you win some hands. So you decide you CAN keep playing. (You CAN stay in the m!)

B/c sometimes you do get a payoff...but you mostly lose little amounts, often... or bigger amounts, and you lose bigger hands, your feelings are hurt more or there are nastier fights or longer periods of distance and coldness...

times you try to call him on a bluff but your radar is off...you cannot see what is exactly happening...or you fear you really are losing out...

So you keep playing even in the face of believing that you really probably are not going to win the game. WHY do you keep playing?

Because if you fold and walk away, then all those chips, (the years of m, the history you built, AND the future you planned)

seem all lost on the table. OMG All wasted? NO it Surely cannot be true! Surely the house would not cheat or just keep winning. Surely If I play correctly, I will win the big payoff and it'll all be worth it then...

So you keep playing. And at some point there are players who cannot play anymore b/c the house has won all their chips. They've lost it all.

And for some there comes a time when you just fold. So You take your remaining chips to play something else, or somewhere else or you save & INVEST the chips somewhere and you get a different type of payoff....or at least you lose no more.

Do I hope at some level that my h will awaken and see the wreckage AND want to repair it? That he will be SO SORRY...YES I admit that.

Of course there is. At this moment, I think it's mostly ego. B/c I don't see him paying back all my chips. I don't see ever being made whole...f

I don't think I have a big sincere desire to reconcile (b/c I certainly doubt we'd have the strength to piece), so it's mostly ego, and a desire for my kids to see that if you lie, are selfish, keep secrets, you don't win...(the "justice" of it all)


So, T0 What are your fears of divorce? Losing all the chips on the table? Losing the m or losing this man, or your past m and not getting it all back, or the future you wanted to have (but now, at some level, realize it likely won't happen even if you remain m??)

Maybe the only thing worse than being alone is wishing you were...

I hate being the rejected person, even though I filed (and I THINK h pretends he felt "hurt" by me filing, which is nutty) and i hate the financial fears and If I were you I'd feel "saddled/blessed" by 3 LOVELY boys b/c in the dating market I'd think I was hampered...

(like being 57 is).

and yet, are these^^ fears and self doubts truly reason for staying m?

I am not sure what this^^ offers you in terms of insight.

I admit My main goal before a month ago was to get you to the birth and then see. And what I see, is nothing has changed for you.

IF I were to say what I would do in your shoes, but NOT knowing your h


I'd fold. I'd cut my losses and stop the internal churning. Whether it's your own neurosis, and or combined with his, or worse on his end, it almost does not matter now.

HOWEVER I will stand by whatever decision you make.

I'm not here to be right. I'm not here looking for validation of my opinion.
I'm here to be supportive of someone in a lousy position.

TO,

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I'm sure you have a rush of feelings-particularly post new snuggly baby.

25 makes some good points. I get it. I do. You are in a difficult place. And I'm not sure if others have mentioned this, however I find something a bit interesting about your situation. It reminds me of friend of mine. He and his wife have been together 20 years. They are both 40. They have separated 3 times but no one wants to divorce. They are both nice people and loving parents. Without going into specifics, when things get shaky, he "seeks" attention from others. Yes, we all like an ego strike and I'm certainly no exception. However, I think there are certain personalities both male and female that are pre-disposed to really seek that when times are uncertain. I am certainly not telling you to walk out or leave your marriage. I could never make that decision for someone. I had a difficult enough time making it for myself. However, if nothing is really any different then I agree with the others and what's the harm in letting him go? Your h certainly does not sound like a bad person. He may be one of those people though that will always be looking for affirmation from other women if things aren't going a certain way. THAT may be a very difficult battle to fight-for the duration of your marriage.

25 makes another interesting point about relationships with young kids. My kids are now 14,12 and 7. When x Mr. GB left a little over three years ago, I knew that it would be a lot to ask of someone to handle my stuff. I wouldn't sign up for it and I'm fun, hilarious, independent and cute some days. :-) And three years later I feel the same. However, I am at peace with that because I realize we all have stuff. My children are wonderful, however it is a lot to take on. I know you were younger than I am but there will probably come a time when you want to enter into another relationship. I am certainly not saying you should stay married just because you don't want to deal with the aftermath or a future with dating and kids and comingling families. It DOES make my head spin.

Why not for now, focus on school and your kids. If the situation seems super contentious with him in the house, then perhaps a conversation should be had. Being miserable or walking around on eggshells is not a way to live.

Sending you a hug.