Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers LiM: One Year into Piecing

Hi Lim

I think the overall fantasy is that our walkaways will wake up, realize how much they love and miss us, validate the error of their ways, and come back with restored affection and commitment. That's what happens in the movies right?

Sometimes they just do not have the feelings for us that we would like our partners to have. This could be because of anything... FOO issues, addiction issues ( I know you're wife struggles with alcoholism and I am learning that an addict will never really be able to love another more then their addicted substance) personality disorders, etc

You can try your hardest, be the ultimate good guy. But for some partners it just doesn't matter.

The good new is, that you do have a rather simple choice. You can remain in a marriage with someone that you do not feel loves you the way you would like to be. Or you can leave the marriage and perhaps find some one that does.

Many walkaways do the former. However, I think there is a HUGE difference between a partner that walks away because of those feelings and a partner that decides to walk away after infidelity. Not so black and white.

I have recently found out that my ex was an addict. I was always questioning him and demanding love and time. I am so much happier now by myself, then being with someone that will never, ever be able to truly love and commit to me and his son.

The main problem here is that she didn't tell me about it. So she is hiding something: feelings for him that still remain. I actually would have been ok with it if she had told me that she saw him there and that for a brief moment, her heart fluttered and some of those old feelings came back. That would have been understandable.

Instead, she texted two friends, mentioned how good he looked, that she missed him and that he has a good heart. In my mind, he still holds a place in her heart, she puts him on a pedestal and she still believe the fantasy that was the A. I don't expect her to hate him but I guess I do expect her to be so disgusted with herself for what she did that she won't hold on to positive feelings related to the whole thing.

No, she's not a spoiled Daddy's girl but I do agree that she isn't doing as much as she could be doing. The issue here I think is confusion over healthy boundaries. In most of our relationship, I (inappropriately) expected her to be responsible for my happiness. I expected her to be responsible for making things ok in our relationship. I didn't do my part. That has all changed now. I see the error of my ways and will not be that person anymore. I know that I am responsible for MY happiness. Its not her job to carry me through life. BUT, she resists being as responsible to me for the A as much as she should be. She IS responsible for helping me heal from that but she's afraid of going back to the old ways of her becoming responsible for things that are not her responsibility. I've tried to explain that I'm not asking for her to take on more than is right in this situation. This coupled with the fact that she still pines for OM, at least on some level, is what keeps us from truly moving beyond this.

Am I happy with ME? Yes, I am in such a better place personally that I was before all of this. I am in control of my happiness, I don't place burdens on myself that are not mine to carry and I am present and loving for my family.
Amy I happy with my M? No. Its not where I want it to be. I'm working hard to do my part in all of this. I'm trying to be patient while she works through her issues. Its clear to me that we are not on the same healing schedule. There is still a LOT of work that she needs to do on herself. I can choose to be patient and supportive if I feel that she is still moving forward or I can decide that she's never going to get it and its just better if I move on.

My W referred to OM a few months ago as "ass.hole" in a text to a friend. So I kinda see where your W and mine differ on opinions on the OM.

This hurts to read, LiM. I fear that by you bringing it up, she may dismiss your feelings and make YOU feel bad about reading it.

I'm all for snooping. I still do and it rebuilds trust. That's just me.

I wish I had some better advice for you. If it were me, I'd bring it up immediately in MC. I think it needs to be addressed. Sometimes our waywards need steering, even though they think what they're doing isn't bad or wrong. I told you about my W sending the bikini pic. She totally thought nothing of it. NOW she sees how screwed up it was. It WON'T happen again.

You and I are alike and that we're probably very codependent. I'm sure I could use a lot more therapy in that department. But don't get too down on yourself. You DID file for divorce. You DIDN'T sit around and play "woe is me". You DIDN'T beg her back (like I stupidly did). Sure, you probably let her back too soon - we're all guilty of that because we want the pain to go away and things to return to normal.

Keep working on yourself. You've got nowhere to go but up. Look at some of the women out there, recently divorced or separated, how they feel - think about how you can meet someone like them, someone that so badly wants a loving, caring relationship? How you could eventually meet someone like that. How the NEW AND IMPROVED LiM would treat that new person. And how that person would wonder, "wow, where was this guy my whole life?"

Lim,

from what I've seen on here from many years on the boards.....

When piecing with a spouse who cheated, we want them to feel "disgusted with themselves" as you mentioned. We want them to outwardly feel the utmost remorse and show it.

I think that's where the piecing becomes not doable for some. A WAS rarely lives up to that expectation. Because then they feel awful about themselves, unworthy of your love, and they distance and go back to a feeling they considered "good". I don't think it has to do with a feeling of a "spoiled daddy's girl" There is a chance sometimes when they know they hurt someone they love so much, they have a hard time looking in the eye of the pain they caused their spouse who is giving them a second chance. I think you personally will know if that's the case, or if she truly isn't remorseful.

It's tough, and I honestly don't know if I could have done it, especially since my ex is very unfamiliar with the feeling of remorse. Her comments to her friends? She may still just mis the feeling she had with him, not so much him. I am not making excuses for her. You will find out what the real truth is. But you may have to read between the lines.

I will add. And this is very personal. I hurt a friend very badly once in my late teens. I made every excuse and rationality in my head as to why I did it, why it really wasn't "so bad" and every reason I gave myself was ridiculous, but it was because I just couldn't deal with the pain I caused her. I felt awful about what I did I just wanted to find every reason why she shouldn't hurt that bad.

I grew up, paid the price, trust me, karma got me. We are friends now. I was finally able to face the wrong in what I did. And she had forgiven me before I even did that. I think her forgiveness helped me.

Yes, I agree that is what I want to see if I have to be honest. Maybe that's not fair. Its not for me to decide how someone should feel about something. My W HAS shown remorse. And when she expresses that, it helps with my healing. But I know I can't expect her to always be an emotional, crying mess just to make me feel better. I realize that if she were to stay in that place, then she and we will never fully heal. We've both got to find a way to move beyond this. And I'm trying to do my part. Just this morning, I ordered a book called How to Stop the Pain.

My W never chose to stop the A. The A ended when OM confessed to his W 3 days after I filed for D. I had found out that the A was still going when I was under the impression we were working on our R. My W did not tell OM that I knew the A was still going on; only that I had served her. My feeling (mind reading) was that she didn't tell him I knew because she wanted to keep it going at all cost. If he knew that I knew, then he would potentially withdraw from her out of fear of exposure. In the end, I imagine he felt that because I had filed, I no longer had a reason to keep the A from his W and that is why he confessed.

I guess my biggest concern about this most recent issue was that my W did not tell me about the encounter even though she knows she should have. I would have preferred that she told me about seeing him and that when she did, it brought back some of the feelings she had for him. I would have been ok with that. Instead, she goes to some friends and talks about how hot he looked, how much she misses him and how good of a heart he has. Ugh.

My feeling is that she still puts him on a pedestal. He is a cowardly, cheating POS. On top of that, he dumped HER. As awful as my W believes that his W is, he chose HER over my W. So how much did he really care for my W? On top of that, my W has told me that she felt "manipulated" in that R. So why keep this guy on a pedestal?

Anyways, over the past 48 hours, I've worked on detaching emotionally from her. And I've noticed a SIGNIFICANT change in my W. She has been much more affectionate and talkative. Maybe this needs to be my new normal for a while so that she becomes the pursuer. In the past year of our piecing, it has DEFINITELY been ME that has been the pursuer.

LIM,

IMO your looking at it from a man's POV (logically), he rejected her, he is a POS, how can she put him on a pedestal? In her POV (emotionally) he rejected her that makes her want him even more. Tony Robbins has a quote "Rejection breeds Obsession" especially if she was always pursuing her father's love.

Just to clarify, did you begin piecing as soon as OM dumped her?

Yep, a week later. As soon as she showed true remorse, I took her back. I shouldn't have. I should have continued with the D process, at least for a time. She needed to see that she lost me because of what she did. She didn't have to work to get me to let her back. That's not to say she hasn't done work since then; she has. But I made it WAY to easy for her to come back.

She remained in her rent house during the first month of our piecing while we began dating, ML and spending time together. She started sleeping every night at our home at the beginning of month two and was fully moved back in before the end of the second month of piecing.