Well, I feel like I'm married to a psychopath. He even agrees he is. It fits him to a T. He wants a divorce. He's given me the ILYBINILWY speech once again. This time though, he's hasn't left. He has abandoned us before (4 years ago), when the kids were babies. That time he went to jail for theft and was in over Christmas. Turned out he was having an affair, and he says he's still has feelings for this person to this day. He said he felt something with her he has never felt for me. Right now he's in an Internet relationship. This is the first time I didn't tell him I knew as soon as I did. We are supposively getting a divorce the "right way" this time (instead of him leaving me a SAHM and penniless and him getting fired or laid off from another job). We are actually on vacation right now and I had to call the police on him last night. (He has ups and downs, he will go months of being fairly 'normal' to him acting out). Last night, he would not give me the key cards to our hotel room (the kids were inside) and he threw our debit card out into the courtyard (turns out it wasn't the debit card but I did not find this out until talking with an officer). He also kept telling me to kill myself, even pointing where my head should land so I would be successful. So I'm just at a loss. I've pointing out most of his bad qualities in the post, he doesn't want to be married to me, never had he says and I love him very much but I do not want his instabilities to hurt our children. I've been with him half my life, since we were 15. (I'm 30 now, married for 7 years). This is all very general, I could say much more specific instances of cheating, him 'winning' me back. It just shocks me this is my life. I just want love and to feel safe.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Well, I feel like I'm married to a psychopath. He even agrees he is. It fits him to a T. Does he have a doctor he sees?
He wants a divorce. He's given me the ILYBINILWY speech once again. This time though, he's hasn't left. He has abandoned us before (4 years ago), when the kids were babies. That time he went to jail for theft and was in over Christmas. So are you saying last time "he left" by going to jail, whereas this time he's just wanting out and acting horribly?
Maybe there is a pattern, but you don't see it b/c the jail altered it?
Turned out he was having an affair, and he says he's still has feelings for this person to this day. He said he felt something with her he has never felt for me. Right now he's in an Internet relationship. This is the first time I didn't tell him I knew as soon as I did. okay so he says he wants a divorce, he's having an affair, he acts crazy and says really hurtful things. Sounds like YOUR needs are not being met by a long shot.
Are you okay with ^^ that?
How would being divorced be different or worse for you than this?
Is it all financial fears? (I'm not making light of that, but your h doesn't have a great job history from your post, and so you may be overlooking the possibly good financial impact that could happen from divorcing, IN TIME...)
We are supposively getting a divorce the "right way" this time (instead of him leaving me a SAHM and penniless and him getting fired or laid off from another job). We are actually on vacation right now and I had to call the police on him last night. (He has ups and downs, he will go months of being fairly 'normal' to him acting out).
are you getting any counseling for you? This^^^ is a lot of drama for your kids to witness and it cannot be okay for you. Or your h, come to think of it.
Last night, he would not give me the key cards to our hotel room (the kids were inside) and he threw our debit card out into the courtyard (turns out it wasn't the debit card but I did not find this out until talking with an officer). He also kept telling me to kill myself, even pointing where my head should land so I would be successful. So I'm just at a loss. What if there had been a fire or drowning in the bathtub? Trees, what are you waiting to have happen before you say "enough"?
I mean, what would it take for you to think it's better for you to be apart?
I've pointing out most of his bad qualities in the post, he doesn't want to be married to me, never had he says and I love him very much but I do not want his instabilities to hurt our children. So you cannot remain with him as he is... None of your options are painless and that is hard to hear, but it's also the reality for most people on this site.
I've been with him half my life, since we were 15. (I'm 30 now, married for 7 years). This is all very general, I could say much more specific instances of cheating, him 'winning' me back. It just shocks me this is my life. I just want love and to feel safe. [color:#3333FF] I understand your attachment. Please notice my length of marriage...We began dating when I was 19...so I really do get it.
Seems Your life is taking an unwanted turn. I think you being 30 y/o and being rudely awakened, is tough.
But from where I sit it is a lot better than waking up at age 40 or 50 or 57...and realizing that you have spent a lot of years in a marriage that did not improve much, for long, and that you are now older...
Another regret I have is that I did not model a healthy m for my kids AND I let my fears of being divorced stall me.
I also kept seeing things in the marriage (after our reconciliation in 2007) that validated my choice to stay, instead of really digging in deep to address the underlying issues
or ending the m back then.
[/color]
I need help!!
Trees,
I am so sorry you are going thru this. If you check people's signature blocks it helps a lot to include your kids ages, your h's age, and length of marriage. (I know you did include some of that in the post, but it's easy to see in later posts when you may not mention it otherwise.)
Anyhow, you need to see a lawyer b/c - for a lot of reasons. Mainly to protect your kids and yourself.
Sounds like Your h is not stable, he's not well, he's not safe and he's not good for you. OR the kids. I'm not saying this is easy - at all. But this is also not complicated.
Perhaps if you leave him he might change his ways, but staying with him sounds really dangerous & unhealthy to several of you.
What is it that you fear most, about leaving?
(*Understand that leaving does not mean the entire marriage ends, forever, but the way you are going right now is clearly not working, would you agree? So a different approach is called for).
And do you have family support around nearby?
Finally, please read Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy b/c those books form the basis of this approach. So much more of what we say will make sense.
We are pro marriage here, but not at all costs.
Keep posting b/c you'll start to get more responses.
And hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for your insight! I updated my signature. I would have replied sooner, but are still on vacation so I have to find the right time.
Does he have a doctor he sees?
He refuses to get help. He says he doesn't need it. In the past, when I could get him to go, he would not stick with it. He's been told before he had anxiety and maybe depression and was prescribed Xanax and something else, Zoloft maybe, but he only took it for a short while. When we reconciled after one of the times he abandoned us, I told him he has to be evaluated at a behavioral health place. He did, and he was one point away from being put in inpatient, but they decided to let him go with the recommendation of outpatient treatment, which of course, he never would get.
So are you saying last time "he left" by going to jail, whereas this time he's just wanting out and acting horribly?
Maybe there is a pattern, but you don't see it b/c the jail altered it?
No, he went to jail after he already abandoned us. He up and left and I was devastated. Later while he was gone, I found out he was having an affair at work. He ended up getting fired, hanging out with a bad influence from his childhood (who he still keeps contact with off and on) and the guy is a known thief, and my husband was with him and went to jail for several days. He got out of jail and slept in his car for a while running around drinking and partying so I consulted with a lawyer. The lawyer told me that there was "no way in hades" he would get custody of our children. I contacted the woman he was having an affair with a couple times and she ended up leaving him alone so he came back around wanting to work things out with me so we reconciled. I think everytime he's done this, he's wanted out. He tells me he never wanted to get married or have kids.
okay so he says he wants a divorce, he's having an affair, he acts crazy and says really hurtful things. Sounds like YOUR needs are not being met by a long shot.
Are you okay with ^^ that?
How would being divorced be different or worse for you than this?
Is it all financial fears? (I'm not making light of that, but your h doesn't have a great job history from your post, and so you may be overlooking the possibly good financial impact that could happen from divorcing, IN TIME...)
My needs have not been met in a long time and I'm NOT okay with that! Honestly, I do not know how much more I can take. It's affecting my health physically as well. I think my main concerns are financial and I guess in a way I'm scared of being alone because the intense emotional feelings and guilt I go through when we are separated is almost more than I can take.
Currently, my husband has a good job that is stable and pays well. There's always that lingering concern that he may mess up and lose his job, so I drive an older, smaller car because the last thing I want is a vehicle to be taken away from me and the children. I never finished my bachelors degree, I haven't worked in 9 years, I really do not know how well I could support the kids. I think my husband would pay child support for a while, but he's so unstable, he could get fired sometime and that would be that. So I think in a lot of ways, divorce would be better, but I would struggle to support the children. I also am torn between him not being good for the children, to them being hurt he's gone. They do not understand how he is, I've been careful to hide and cover all this from the children, which is exhausting in itself.
are you getting any counseling for you? This^^^ is a lot of drama for your kids to witness and it cannot be okay for you. Or your h, come to think of it.
I just started counseling (one session so far) before vacation. Our insurance somehow recently got cut off, so I will be paying cash each week, but I've wanted this for so long. I'm glad I finally bit the bullet and started counseling. My husband refuses to go. I hide most of it from the kids, we've only started to bicker some in front of the kids. For years, I always made sure we took it outside. Kids are smart, but I would never tell them the things he was doing or that he was in jail.
What if there had been a fire or drowning in the bathtub? Trees, what are you waiting to have happen before you say "enough"?
I mean, what would it take for you to think it's better for you to be apart?
I have no idea. I never in a million years thought I would let things go this far. I always thought I would leave someone if they cheated on me. I used to be so convinced that staying with him was better for the kids, but I think otherwise now even though sometimes I feel guilty. He plays a lot of mind games with me. He told me a couple days ago that he was been acting out and pushing me trying to get me to the point to want a divorce like he does, so I will divorce him. I do not know why he does not just divorce me, but I guess that's a good thing. I plan on seeing a lawyer soon.
So you cannot remain with him as he is... None of your options are painless and that is hard to hear, but it's also the reality for most people on this site.
Thank you. I figured that, but I really needed to hear it.
I understand your attachment. Please notice my length of marriage...We began dating when I was 19...so I really do get it.
Seems Your life is taking an unwanted turn. I think you being 30 y/o and being rudely awakened, is tough.
But from where I sit it is a lot better than waking up at age 40 or 50 or 57...and realizing that you have spent a lot of years in a marriage that did not improve much, for long, and that you are now older...
Another regret I have is that I did not model a healthy m for my kids AND I let my fears of being divorced stall me.
I also kept seeing things in the marriage (after our reconciliation in 2007) that validated my choice to stay, instead of really digging in deep to address the underlying issues
You have said what I've thought many times and even have told my husband. I don't want to wake up in another 15, 20, 30 years and regret I did not leave before. Whenever I get close to leaving now even, my stomach gets in knots thinking how did I let it get this far. Did your marriage go well those ten years before he went to Alaska again? I'm sorry you are going through this as well. I see you have filed. How is that going? I will look for your posts. Alaska has been a nightmare in a lot of ways for me. My sister lives up there, and my dad went to visit the summer of 2015 and decided to visit through Christmas. He started to feel sick in November and found out he had cancer that had spread massively so I booked a ticket and left in less than 48 hours, and my daddy passed away 2 hours before I got there. The doctor had given him 6 months to live 2 days before that. I was (and still am!!) a complete wreck, and I found out my husband wanted a divorce once again a month later and was involved in another affair that began the month after all this took place!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you. I read suggested links and newcomer's posts before I signed up, and I'll be ordering the book today. I'll be reading the book in addition to..., which my counselor suggested I read and highlight and discuss with her.
Also, I've been leaving no trace as well. Thanks again! I'll be posting.
Last edited by Cristy; 05/22/1702:48 PM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
We started dating when we were 15. He's manipulated me from the beginning and I was very naive. I thought everything was fine for 6 months, aside from a couple of red flags. (He had been smoking since he was 13 and I had caught him in some lies.) We had started dating in December, and for Christmas I had got a diamond ring and tennis bracelet from my mom. I just loved this set. He started wearing my ring on a chain around his neck shortly after and he wore it every day. I thought it was so romantic. After we had been dating 6 months, suddenly my ring was gone. He said he lost it. A few days later, I was telling his friend about my ring and he told me he knew where it was. He said his mom had it and my future H had gave it to her. I was devastated! Turns out he actually sold it to her for drugs. (I had no clue he did drugs or what different kinds of drugs there even were in the world.) So i tried to scrape up $20 to buy it back from her, and I was only able to come up with, between me and my sister, $14 and some hoop earrings to trade. So I walked over there and prayed the whole way she would accept my deal, and she did. I got my ring back. So the next day, my H (bf at the time) walked over my house and we went for our daily walk and talk all the while I could not wait for him to see the ring on my finger. I could see him eyeballing it so I broke up with him. I was done! He began to cry and beg and beg, promising me to quit all drugs and be a great guy to me, etc. He laid it on so thick and I was a sucker and took him back. In my heart, I knew this was not good, but my heart felt so much pain. I could not believe how in love I already was at a young age. Even though I was saving myself for marriage and he knew this, I had already lost my virginity to him. He told me he was a virgin too. I just found out recently that was not the truth. He revealed this bomb maybe a year ago, but told me the other day while drunk that he had already slept with two other people before me. Also, when I found out at 15 he was doing drugs, I found he had cheated on me as well. He has been trouble from the beginning with periods of what seems to be some straightening up. I will add more to this later.
Another thing he told me the other day while drunk on vacation (we are still on vacation currently), is that he has never been in love with me. That I was a trophy to him because I was a cheerleader and he was an outcast, that he had what everyone else wanted. That he would have done anything to keep me in the past because of basically the rewards I brought him. Pretty much, I'm just an object. And that he knows that he'll continue to have sex with me after our divorce, and the more I tell him no, the more he wants it. Ive noticed he doesn't seem to want it when I do, and it's been like this for years.
Thank you. I read suggested links and newcomer's posts before I signed up, and I'll be ordering the book today. I'll be reading the book in addition to..., which my counselor suggested I read and highlight and discuss with her.
Also, I've been leaving no trace as well. Thanks again! I'll be posting.
This is a great site that exists for a lousy but important reason.
You'll get good help here and I'll address your other questions about my own situation, later
Suffice to say if I knew then what I know now, and I were in your shoes, I'd take the hits now before more time had passed. I don't see any positives about your marriage and h that are not more than offset by serious negatives.
Including danger to the kids, which is as clear a deal breaker as any.
Life is shorter than we realize, as you know. (I'm also very sorry about your dad.) Are you close to your family?
Keep posting and keep getting T. Maybe updating your insurance will help defray the costs.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
T = therapy? I didn't see it on the abbreviations list.
I agree, I'm not seeing much positive either and I'm still working on not being blinded by love or false promises and to see things for what they really are.
I have a lot of family that live in the same town as me. I'm close with my mom, although she is very hard to deal with because she has emotional issues.
