In my therapy recently I have come to realize that I am suffering from depression myself and probably have been most of my life. I started taking Lexapro almost 3 weeks ago and feel a fog has lifted. I am have more energy, less negative self thoughts, and am so much more in touch with my emotions, which can be difficult.
And with my treatment I know I will survive whatever happens, but I still feel so much regret for what could have been. I try not to think about that too much because it doesn't help, but I now know I am capable of so much more and only wish I had the 2nd chance to show my wife.
you may get the chance, in time. The "math" of it is -
Small consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Another issue with my marriage that I haven't addressed here yet, and it was probably because of shame is that our sexual intimacy has been lacking for many months. When my wife had her post partum breakdown to me, she asked me to initiate more, be more aggressive sexually and take the lead.
Once I started working on this she shut down on me. For a period she stopped saying "I love you", showed no affection, and barely showed that she loved me in anyway. something was miscommunicated or misunderstood. How Did you address it?
Maybe in the future, you could say "hey, I love and desire you and I thought i was doing X.
But I've noticed a shift in your responsiveness. Can we talk this out? Can you be more specific in expressing your needs? Turns out I'm a horrible mind reader... "
She eventually told me that she was dealing with issues related to a sexual assault from years ago that were triggered by child birth and asked if we took sex off the table for a time. Which we did. OKAY that's different. And other than you being supportive, the rest is up to her. But yeah, you need to listen even more than most, to hear what she is really saying and to recap her comments to make sure you are understanding them, (and to show her that you are listening).
After several months, we talked about starting to have sex again and that is when everything that was going good, quickly turned bad. She told me she had no desire to have sex with me. And she told me that because of her assault, she wasn't capable of trying because it felt like a forced situation where she wasn't in control. And a few weeks after this is when she asked me to move out.
Have you and or your w ever seen a sex therapist?
Also, fwiw, I think there is something going on with your wife that has nothing to do with any OM.
Hang in there. If you can find "Crimson"s thread around here, he and his w separated and I THINK their divorce was finalized before they reconciled.
Check his out. There was no OM in the picture though I think they both eventually dated OPs.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm struggling with 2 things here: 1. I'm overanalyzing everything that my wife says and does. Everything I read says I need to stop doing this and detach. 2. One of the things I need to do to show my wife I can and have changed is be more communicative. I am struggling as to how to detach and be more communicative. It seems they are opposite goals in some way.
Does that make sense?
But I agree, when she initiates contact, I need to communicate better for sure.
you may get the chance, in time. The "math" of it is - Small consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
I can only hope. But I feel like hope is making me sick.
She knows she will need to find a job if we are divorced. And we will need to sell our townhouse. She talked about not doing this till the end of the summer to minimize changes for our son who is 15 months old. I don't know how doing this at the end of summer minimizes anything, but it gives me some time.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Have you and or your w ever seen a sex therapist?
The marriage counselor we are seeing is also a sex therapist. Sex was the main topic in our first sessions. I fear it's the thing that she won't be able to change her mind on. My wife is more experienced than me sexually and I don't know if she will get in a mindset to work on briding our gap ever again. The thing is that as I am feeling better and better while dealing with my depression, my sexual desire is growing and growing, and it's driving me nuts.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Also, fwiw, I think there is something going on with your wife that has nothing to do with any OM.
I think there are several things going on. One thing I have come to realize is that I don't think my wife has felt secure in our relationship as she has been in charge and I have been allowing her to make all the decisions in my passive ways. I see this so clearly now. I see how much healthier it would be for me to take the lead. However, my wife's parents when through a nasty divorce and she never felt secure as a child. A coping mechanism of hers is to take charge of a situation, and make decisions which is somewhat counter to what she wants from me. So ultimately I just need to be more present and involved.
After work, I went to see my son for dinner and tubby. I found it difficult to interact with her. I just wasn't in the mood. I wasn't impolite but not very interactive. Being around her is a struggle, and it's even more so when she tells me about every day things and makes jokes and laughs around me when we are going through this. It tortures me. I keep thinking it's good signs, but I have to know it's not. I would feel better if I didn't have to see her. I don't want to be her friend at the end of this. I know she is the mother of her child, but I don't think I will be capable of that.
When I was about to leave, I asked her about a friend of hers that is having a difficult pregnancy, and the topic of her and my son possibly moving into their house to help out came up and then the topic of her aggressively getting back to finding a mediator came up, so that we could figure out the next steps. The way she said it was so matter of factly, as if it wasn't a big deal for her. I couldn't even respond I was so crushed. I was crushed again because I keep holding onto hope. It's not good healthy for me.
I don't want to quit, but I don't know how much longer I can put myself through this. I want some control over this situation where I have no control. I'm struggling.
In our marriage counseling, I haven't spoken how I really feel about this situation. I feel I need to, even if it's only for my benefit. And I feel the need to tell her I need to limit my interaction with her for my benefit. And I don't want to continue the marriage counseling unless it's for the purpose of working on our marriage. While my wife wants divorce I don't see the point. I can spend the time working on myself. I almost wonder if rejecting her in this way will have some effect. Maybe it will, maybe it won't.
As I said, it was a rough day. I don't know if I'll feel the same about all of this tomorrow. But I do know that I hate my life right now and I cannot handle being in limbo, not having any control over what is going to happen.
After work, I went to see my son for dinner and tubby. I found it difficult to interact with her. I just wasn't in the mood. I wasn't impolite but not very interactive. Being around her is a struggle, and it's even more so when she tells me about every day things and makes jokes and laughs around me when we are going through this. It tortures me. You need an attitude adjustment time. EVEN IF you believe she only acts "as if all is well" to make things easier for her (and thinks it's for you)
The alternative to you going along with it, is UNAPPEALING. NO one gets retracted to a moping "woe is me" guy. It's not a strong position. What are you bringing to the table as a man?? Show that. Even if it's really really hard
I keep thinking it's good signs, but I have to know it's not. Does not matter what it means is in HER head. Throntons wife cried the whole time she moved out...to set him up for plan B if her plan A doesn't work out. Don't take that bait. The "ALL IS HAPPY" is another type of show, so that they can feel all sure of their choices and not confuse you.
Again, ^^^HER HEADSPACE is not yours. Stay in your snadbox and project the most "together" h -- as in, be a husband only a fool would leave.
Not a sad mad guy who pouts and wants his way NOW!!!
I would feel better if I didn't have to see her. I don't want to be her friend at the end of this. I know she is the mother of her child, but I don't think I will be capable of that. Not needed today. In time, cordiality is all that is minimally required, and will probably come. Then maybe friends since you have a HUGE person in common and maybe down the road, you two can build on that friendship....
When I was about to leave, I asked her about a friend of hers that is having a difficult pregnancy, and the topic of her and my son possibly moving into their house to help out came up and then the topic of her aggressively getting back to finding a mediator came up, so that we could figure out the next steps. The way she said it was so matter of factly, as if it wasn't a big deal for her. I couldn't even respond I was so crushed. I was crushed again because I keep holding onto hope. It's not good healthy for me.
understood but don't mind read HER emotions. She may have been striving not to show any, who knows? No mind reading. However on YOUR end...
1) derail the topic, "sorry I asked about friend, b/c this isn't the time for us to discuss that..."
OR " 2) sorry but I have to table that for now...gotta go, (then have some GAL to attend to, and be UPBEAT when you leave, not mad or morose.
it's just that YOU ARE super busy, meeting new cool people, going to exciting places and doing fun interesting things, catch you sometime (vague) later! buh bye!
I don't want to quit, but I don't know how much longer I can put myself through this. I want some control over this situation where I have no control. I'm struggling. wanting control where there is so little, is a core universal piece of this experience. We know and we feel for you as we have been OR ARE in the same boat.
Exercise control where you can, let it go where you cant and find some peace, anyhow.
In our marriage counseling, I haven't spoken how I really feel about this situation. I feel I need to, even if it's only for my benefit. if not now, when?? Speak up man. It's your duty to yourself Truly. Be calm, but show passion, and be prepared but be vocal.
And I feel the need to tell her I need to limit my interaction with her for my benefit. And I don't want to continue the marriage counseling unless it's for the purpose of working on our marriage.
While my wife wants divorce I don't see the point. I can spend the time working on myself. I almost wonder if rejecting her in this way will have some effect. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. As I said, it was a rough day. I don't know if I'll feel the same about all of this tomorrow. But I do know that I hate my life right now and I cannot handle being in limbo, not having any control over what is going to happen.
understood. How are the GAL things going ?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
We had a marriage session today and it ended with me feeling terrible, so I need to work it out here.
I brought up how I was mad at my wife for doing this. And that I understood that she was mad at me too. She said she was mad because she asked me to make the changes I was making several times and I didn't. She felt the breakthroughs in my understanding of myself and my depression, we had talked about before, and that I clearly hadn't been listening to her. She broke down a few times in the past few years regarding our marriage and the things I needed to work on and felt I dismissed her with the idea of "she would get over it". I think I did to some extent. My wife is extremely emotional. Perhaps more emotional than I am capable of handling. This was my first major relationship and I didn't have the experience or skills to handle it. My friend made the metaphor that I went into this relationship with her knowing long division when I needed to know calculus. I am a sensitive person and she basically exploded on me from time to time about things. I became small when she did this, this was my learned pattern from childhood. And I think I lost the message with the emotions. When the emotions were calm again, I felt safe again and forgot about the message.
Me cowering from her emotions made her feel abusive and she will not forgive me for making her feel that way. I also cannot help but think that her emotional volatility made me withdraw from her in many ways. I had an idea of the type of husband I would be and I didn't live up to it. We went through several major life events in the span of 2 years: engagement, buying a house, wedding, and a baby. The stresses added up and I don't think either of us handled it well, and not together as a couple should have. And that is our downfall. I tried to do my best to make things easier for my wife for sure, in regards to errands, cooking, cleaning grocery shopping, but I didn't do enough after that. I had nothing left to give after dealing with my anxieties of having a new baby, a volatile wife and a job that was not going well at the time. For my own sake, and health I think I need to talk about this in our next session.
I'm feeling pretty down on myself. I have let her down in a way I cannot fix. And our marriage is going to end. I think I am accepting that now. She will not change her mind. I cannot change it. I can only focusing on becoming the person that I want to become as that will set me up for the rest of my life. I am so sad that it will not be with her because I will always wonder "what could have been". I am trying to focus on the positives that will result from our marriage ending. This feels wrong in some ways, but it is helping me cope. I now get to reinvent parts of myself and my life in ways that I may have not been able to do so in our marriage. And I will have the opportunity to look for a partner that I will be more compatible with. I think I could accept this all much easier if we didn't have a child together. I mourn what he will miss out on having parents that are together. But I cannot control that.
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