Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 180man Thread 4

*crack open DR again...damn typos

Have you read the pursuit and distance thread?

I understand that your wife is a vanisher however I do not think that pursuing her will get you closer to your goal.

Yes re-read DR.

Yeah, I have read that thread but it has been a while. I'll go through it again per your recommendation. And open DR tonight. Thanks Cadet.

Welcome back from vacation 180. Glad it well.

I'm with Cadet on reaching out to your W. Keep doing what you're doing.

Question for you. When you were on vacation, how often did you think about your W?

Not to point fingers 180, but something I've noticed a few peeps on the board say. They say things like I was emotionally distant in the relationship so my 180 would be to pursue, etc. Things along those lines. I do recall seeing one line in DR about that, but seriously, these people all want space. Please listen to your gentlemen guides on this and let her be.

OwnIt,

I find myself having the same issue. Neglect is what got me here. So my 180 would be paying W more attention. Which goes against the pursuing rule. My W wanted nothing but space at first and I gave it to her. And after awhile she makes a point to come to me. So when I get moments I show my 180, but it doesn't seem like much because I know I shouldn't pursue.

Any advice on this would be appreciated. Also where is the pursuit and distance thread located?

Tread, I put the link in your thread and answered as best I can.

Pursuit/Distance Thread for anyone looking for it.



Thanks LITB. When I got back I felt a conflict between two emotions. On one hand I felt a little better because I felt slightly more detached from her. On the other hand, I was scared that I was detaching from her, that we were losing our connection more and more each day. I understand the detachment theory, it just seems like there may be a threshold which you cross that may make it near impossible to ever cross back over again. Not sure if that makes sense.

To answer your question, it was on and off. I suppose I went several hours at a time before thinking about her, and then she would be on my mind for a while before I was able to distract myself with another activity.



OwnIt, I've seen those same statements and I remember the line or two in DR regarding that. The bold text above really stuck out at me, I suppose I hadn't thought of it in that way. I'll have to let that tumble around in my skull for a little bit. Thanks.

Can you all play some devil's advocate with me? I'm only about halfway through the P/D thread, but I wanted to ask this question since it keeps coming up as I'm reading:

Is there a scenario in which the P/D theory does not hold true? In other words, have people had situations in which even though one person may have been the pursuer and the other the distancer, the circumstances of their situation changed or were unique in some manner in which the P/D theory didn't hold up? I may not be explaining this thought well, it was much easier to envision in my mind. Are there cases in which P/D didn't work and something else was required, and if so, what did that look like?

Second question now that we're talking about this: Does sending a card to my MIL and Step-MIL count as pursuit or can it simply be the decent thing to do as the SIL, estranged or otherwise?

Look within yourself.

Is it?

Why are you doing it? What are your expectations?

I doubt you'll listen to me b/c you don't like what I have to say. However, in case someone else has tuned in......I will tell you how the card giving, birthdays & anniversaries, and breaking contact looks to a WW. It's pursuit! You can wrap it up in a pretty package and label it as "decent" or "opening up" or "something positive" or "reaching out" or anything else you think sounds like a good excuse. But to the wayward it is pursuit.

Actually, you may be hurting your own chances by sending these cards to the MIL and Step-MIL. When they mention it to your WW, she will see it as you just wanting to be on the good side of her family. And b/c of the resentful mindset of the WW, it doesn't usually set well when the LBH tries to kiss up to her family. Where as you may find positive reasons to do these things, your WW will see negative in your actions. They aren't called wayward for nothing! Your wife knows you, and she knows the true intentions of you wanting to mail cards to her relatives...maybe better than you know yourself. The only way I would say to do it is if you were always the one who picked out cards for them on Mother's Day and signed them, and you intend to continue doing this every year in the future. But as for sending a birthday or anniversary card to your WW........seriously?? Have you considered how it can make a man look pretty desperate to do those type of things when his wayward wife is trying to D him? Yes, it is pursuit!

Initiating contact is not a good idea, IMO. If anything screams of pursuit to the WW.....that certainly does. Instead of her wondering if she's making the wrong decision and/or she may be throwing you away......you contact her, and it assures her you are still there, being her backup plan.

180man, I'm sorry you are going through this pain. I really am. It tears me up to see all these LBS's who cannot believe their spouse has turned into this selfish, hateful stranger. I try to help by telling them the patterns and mindset of a wayward, but it's up to the individual to do the tough stuff. They keep hoping their situation is exceptional, and that their wayward wife is different than other WW's. I wish I could tell them they are correct.