Thanks guys, honestly sometimes the guy drives me up the wall. Bill, you said you think he's unsure of his decisions and putting that on me....do you think he's unsure of the decision to not see OW? (if it's still in effect)....Or testing the waters of an as yet unannounced decision to stay? I have searched my soul over our sitch and it was not great before and I certainly did many things in a less than optimal way, but I sure as heck was a lot more giving and caring and warm and less controlling than many people I observe in relationships. and it wasnt all my fault....some of what transpired was because of his own stuff....
His actions/statements the last couple of days show what makes me so mixed up and confused...he's so smothered that a good-night kiss "sucks up all his air", yet I go shopping in the afternoon while he's doing yard work and I'm back to my "old ways" and ignoring him; I get up too early and am too helpful and I'm "hawkeyeing and clinging", I stay in bed and let him do chores at his suggestion and I'm back to my old self not helping....I flirt and come on to him and I'm "making a good thing bad" because he "likes sex but not 24/7", then last night he sets quietly at the table and kind of sulks and says he's going to bed because I'm piddling around cleaning up (after he complains about things being messy) and then grabs me when we get to the bed room and is "into" it. Go figure. I am clueless, and the more I think about it the more clueless I am. the conclusion I come to typing this is the guy's nuts and I must be to put up with him! Then I recall that for years he's been the tenderest, truest, most steadfast person I've ever known, and I think he's truely lost it, what ever "it" is. It has to be MLC, and really is like the mother ship came by and sucked up my H and dropped an alien look-alike in his place. I thought the alien was slowly inching back to the ship, but then this week he seems to have come running back. I wonder if OW is playing some part in this? don't have a clue what it would be, maybe she's stepped up the pressure, more whiny and clingy? S has told me he thinks she was "feeding him a line about what a raw deal he has here at home".
I also wonder if maybe he does know his mothers plans for Saturday, she told him way back in Jan. or Feb. about them, I know, so maybe he's feeling anxious or pressured or....????
and of course, today he's here in this office, in the same building as OW, and probably having lunch w/her... kind of weird, I don't feel as "blown away" by that as I usually do...maybe I am getting to detachment....
Amazing, after all this I realize I do still love the guy. I must really be out of my mind!
I do believe that OW has something to do with it. It doesn't have to be any pressure from her - but he very likely is comparing the old and the new. And honestly, it's hard to compete. Not until she's old too!
He keeps asking of you the opposite of what you are giving. There is no way to win here - not right now. He is not thinking rationally, he's being tugged from two sides.
You need to give him space, if he wants sex, I guess give him that too. But I think at this point, I'd sit down and have a talk with him about him letting you know what HIS needs are. Not a deep R talk, but just letting him know that if he wants help with things, he should let you know, etc. That is what I'd do. It is preferable to going nuts.
yeah, you're right dfb, just telling/asking sometimes is helpful, I would do better to concentrate on that. H really is off the wall, I think some of it is testing behavior as well....do I REALLY love him enough to forgive him and go on after all he's done, or will I turn on him in the long run....
then that's kind of scary, because he did tell me a month ago he hadnt told me about not seeing OW (1 of several reasons) because he thought if he did I would just go back to the "old ways"....so it scares the bejeebers out of me if he really sees things that way.... I havent quit on the sex because I'm selfish. I like it. but it also is a good connection for us. oh well..... what is the name of your thread, dfb?
I am starting to feel on a more permanent basis ( I think) that I'm going to be ok....It's hard to explain, I just feel calmer and more centered, but ironically and frighteningly more "in love" w/H than ever....It's taken me 5 months to get to this point, seems like forever. I guess part of it is I just feel deep down that in the end he is not going to go anywhere, and I don't know if that's irrational false hope, setting myself up, or not, but that's what's in my "gut".... None of the positives in my sitch that I posted last week have changed....even if he is all over the place. Maybe that's a sign of his anxiety over the sitch....
Strange thing is, after being kind of weird and pouty last night in the evening, H was pretty wild and enthusiastic about ML, even though he'd been complaining earlier in the day about being tired. another point of confusion...What to make of this? Do you guy type people have any thoughts? ......I am as usual totally clueless.
I did have the thought the other day, as I was "pondering" my DB efforts, that I wasnt completely sure what to do to bring about the positive changes I want, but I was absolutely sure what I could do to "blow things up", and that maybe "doing the opposite" was something for careful thought.
I think H could easily become jealous and feel very slighted.....which leads me to the same conclusion, the guy's irrational right now.
Just remember to take his issues with you with a grain of salt. If you believe there is a problem, fix it. Ex-b said a bunch of things to me that weren't nice once ex-ow was in the picture, but a lot of them were NOT TRUE. He even would be like "you didn't let me do xx (like go see friends in another town)". It was like - we never DISCUSSED it! He was like "well, I assumed". He is great at talking - we communicate well on so many levels. But if he had any problems whatsoever, he had to tell me.
Nearly anytime we've discussed issues - not that its been often, it ends up being strained because he'll get extremely defensive over any little thing. We should be able to just sit down and talk like 2 adults.
Oh yeah - he has always said that people can't change. He didn't believe me when I said I had been pretty independent, and essentially said that I couldn't change. But hey - he believed ex-OW could! "Oh, she's different" (yeah, bullcrap!) She was the same - she will likely NEVER change. And your H is probably believing you won't ever change either. If he believes that right now, it will be very hard to covince him otherwise while he's still in his funk.
from my earlier post, still wondering: Strange thing is, after being kind of weird and pouty last night in the evening, H was pretty wild and enthusiastic about ML, even though he'd been complaining earlier in the day about being tired. another point of confusion...What to make of this? Do you guy type people have any thoughts? ......I am as usual totally clueless.
Deb - he may have just been horny. My ex-b had said just over a month ago (about 5 weeks now) that he felt I pushed too hard on sex, that he just wanted us to be friends. I called him and we talked - he seems to think that sex (to me) means we are a couple, or is making me feel too close to him, etc. That isnt' it at all. The fact that he calls me every day - that feels a lot more bonding to me. I told him so. I also let him know that I enjoyed our physical R, and that I didn't expect anything.
To be honest, things have gotten a lot better since that talk. I have no idea why. Of course, they could go down the toilet at any time, but I've been enjoying our time together. We've spent most of the last 4 weekends together, I've stayed over, he's initiated, etc. I don't know why. Things with us have been much more fun, more flirty. If it ended tomorrow, I'd be happy with the time we've spent together.
BUT, the point is - guys can often separate being romantic and being horny. Just because they have sex doesn't mean they are feeling loving. I know there are a lot of women like that too, but it seems to me to be more specific to men. So - I don't expect that ex-b currently wants any long-term R with me. But if he wants sex, that is okay with me. Not forever - but I haven't anyone else I'm interested in now. I'm otherwise working on me to prepare myself for someone else (or ex-b if he makes a good decision!)
And I'm giving ex-b this coming weekend off if he wants. Last weekend he was planning to at least spend Saturday alone, had said he'd wanted to chill by himself since we have spent so much time together (and we have, lots of good, quality time). But then I mentioned tacos and that piqued his interest. So I got there Sat evening and left late Sunday afternoon. If he wants this weekend off, I'm not even going to bring anything up. He's earned it.
Oh - and if ex-b is in the mood, I never say no. I never really have. But if I am - I may get it, may not. It sounds the same in your sit!
Hi dfb...yeah, just horny occured to me (really it did!)....I'm thinking the lesson here for me it that I am doing the right thing by backing off a little to let him get to that point!
I'm still a little calmer today than I have been in the past, even though today is kind of a challenge with annual meeting tonight. I kind of slipped up w/dbing this morning before work and asked H "do I get to sit w/you tonight" and he said "well I don't know" in (i think) a teasing way. I told him he was being a tormenter, and he agreed. H is really grumpy about having to go to this meeting anyway, and I really am kind of anxious about OW being there. It's gonna be awkward for somebody....I gotta really work on the "as if" attitude and getting centered between now and 6 pm. I will be so glad when it's over. I may need to repost my positive/negative list from last week here for help with the "centering".
Good luck, don't ask him questions like that, though. And just remember - you are the wife, and she is the OW. You are the one who should have her head held up high (and a sexy business casual dress with something ultra sexy underneath!)
But I think at this point, I'd sit down and have a talk with him about him letting you know what HIS needs are. Not a deep R talk, but just letting him know that if he wants help with things, he should let you know, etc. That is what I'd do. It is preferable to going nuts.